[musinglizzy]

I started seeing a psychologist in May. I had contacted a lawyer first, but then chickened out when they called me back for a consult, and went hunting for a therapist next. It was a pretty scary/new experience for me, but now, 9 months later, I believe it to be the best decision I have made. She's helping me try to heal a bunch of old wounds, plus helping me make sense of my current life.

Been married for 15 years, and hubby has shown he's not the hands-on dad to our son that I thought he'd be, but beyond that, he's started getting sneaky. I don't believe he would ever have an affair, no, but he's been getting sneaky with purchases the past few years, purchasing things after we talked about it and it was (I thought) agreed that we can't afford it. We live paycheck-to-paycheck, we have debt, we have no savings. The last straw was last spring when he tried to take out an 18K loan behind my back, not realizing that the bank would need to contact me prior. Unfortunately for them, they didn't contact me until two days before the loan closing, after they had done a lot of work setting this up, and then finding out from me that I would NOT be signing any papers for a loan, and also finding out through me that he lied about our list of assets. He took assets and property belonging to my family and used them as his own to get this loan. And the idiots that they are, they didn't look into those assets to see that they were not ours. Anyway, the list goes on, but trying to make a long story short here.

I no longer want to be married to this man. I need to financially separate myself from him to protect myself. If he's going to make decisions as if he's a single man, perhaps he needs to become one.

Actually going through with this will be difficult, and I don't know what kind of time frame I'm looking at. We have a 12 year old son. The house is in my family's name, so we're safe there, we do not own property together.

I need to make plans to find myself a different job, with benefits, and save up some money somehow, so I can become more self sufficient. I don't think hubby would see this coming, honestly. We have been sleeping in separate rooms (on separate floors of the house) for a couple of years now. There's very little arguing, but there is also no relationship anymore. No trust, no connection.

I'm just reaching out here, to see if there's anyone else who's been in this situation and given themselves time to try to prepare. I'm scared. And quite depressed, due to the path my life has taken.

[peaceseeker63]

I am sorry you are going througn this. i think your therapist is going to be your most valuable asset going forward because the process will be hard. I am in a somewhat similar situation but I am having trouble making the final cut from my husband. It is a very scary feeling to make the decision to leave a marriage. I have found a local support group, run by a therapist, for grieving separation and divorce. Very helpful to talk to other's who are going through the same thing.

I don't have any thing to say that will make this easier for you, but know that you are not alone and we are here to help support you through the process.

[musinglizzy]

Thank you so much! I'm not sure how busy this particular board is, but I was sure hoping to get some feedback. The minute I got home from work I fired up the computer to check this thread!

I keep trying to talk myself into the fact that I'm overreacting. My T says I'm underreacting. There is no connection, we do NOTHING together as a family. NOTHING. He goes to work, and comes home and sits in front of the TV. That's never bothered me because he works a very physical job. But the money stuff, a 4K TV one year (ordered, I made him cancel), this loan, new cell phone, and most recently a Playstation 4, which I've yet to see him play. We don't make a lot of money....he likes to try to live beyond our means. I used to beg him to just walk the dog with me, go for a walk. Nope. Family bike ride? NEVER. Took our son to a water park for his birthday last year, guess who didn't go? (it was a one night trip). Most recently, it was h's birthday, and son and I were making plans to take him out for dinner. He was invited out for dinner with is bro and SIL, so left us hanging. We weren't invited. Son was very upset. He has just simply ignored our son for a long time, doesn't do anything with him, but he has tried a little since last summer, when I put the fear of God into him. I did get him to go with me to my T once. But he wouldn't do counseling. The man also doesn't shower. And wonders why I'm pulling myself away from him. Ok, he showers every couple/few weeks. But again, physically demanding job every day. I told him once I believed him to be depressed, and there's no shame in asking for help. He won't. Instead, just keep pretending there's nothing wrong. I'm tired of working so hard to produce this happy family façade for family visits and things. Part of me believes I just spent my last Christmas gathering at his mom's house. Another part of me believes I'm overreacting, I can't live without him (financially), and I would never have the strength to follow through with this. Yet at the same time, we are not "a family," and I'm afraid our son is learning how to be a dad himself, by seeing his own dad. The song Cats In The Cradle really gets me. A friend of mine told me I need to get him to watch the old movie, On Golden Pond. I forgot what most of it is about....I can picture the old couple and their house on the lake, but that's it. I vaguely remember an estranged son.

I started seeing my T to help me get through this, but there is also so much trauma in my past that still affects how I think and feel today. So I made sure she knew what she was taking on from the beginning. I'm pretty damaged as it is. I feel hopeless. And aside from T, don't really feel comfortable talking to people about it. Not people IRL anyway....

[peaceseeker63]

It sounds like there is a lot going on, and he may be depressed, like you said. Unfortunately, he has to take responsibility for himself and seek help if he feels he needs it.

I understand the ambivalence...it's tough to take a stand and follow through after so many years. I've been married 25 years! But I am not happy in my marriage, my needs are not being met, and my husband is unable to meet them...his words! So I feel like I don't have a choice!

[shezbut]

((((hugs))))

Your situation does sound tough. Very sad way to live.

Have you ever talked with your son about things? Just wondering, because your hub's behavior does sound like depression to me, wouldn't want your son to take his father's behavior personally either way. Family counseling may be worth a shot, to hopefully build some trust & caring between your hub & son. You also don't want your son to grow up thinking that this is a "normal marriage".

Gentle hugs to you ~ best wishes!

[musinglizzy]

Thank you so much. He won't do therapy, and I cannot make him. I am going twice a week, however, trying to better myself at least.... I'm just at a dead end road here. And it scares the hell out of me. I need a full time job, I need health insurance, and I am so in love with my job it's unbelievable. No chance for more hours though. I've been with this place for 7 years.