[Tuomtpi]

My wife of 30 years tells me she wants to leave our marriage because she is unhappy

[melmar838]

Originally Posted by Tuomtpi

My wife of 30 years tells me she wants to leave our marriage because she is unhappy

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. My sister is going through the same thing, after 20 years. She wanna to leave him, and he refuses to seek couples therapy. It's male pride. I'm going through a break up myself, 2 years together. I wish we would go through counseling, as I really do love him. But I fear it's too late. Take care, now is a good time to have a discussion about what it is you both want.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Tuomtpi: I'm sorry you are finding yourself in this difficult situation. Hopefully being here on PC can be of some comfort & support. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[eskielover]

I'm sure if you talk to her she might be able to tell you more about the things she is unhappy about but that may need to be done in a therapy setting where there is a T as the mediator to help with the understanding.

I was the wife that finally left after 33 years. By that point I was MORE than JUST UNHAPPY, but I didn't have the words to explain exactly what in the world was bothering me but it definitely wasn't a sudden thing. The previous 13 years, I was just living under the same roof but in my own wing of the house. Unfortunately, I was financially unable to get a divorce & he made it more difficult then kept saying that 2 can live cheaper than one. Finally at the end told me that he didn't want a divorce because then it made him look like a failure.

There were red flags along the way & looking back in my situation there were red flags I ended up remembering existed even before the wedding.

I'm guessing there must have been red flags in your marriage that maybe were just ignored? We did go to counseling with the T that I was assigned in the mental hospital after an abusive situation occured.

He just couldn't grasp the problems or make the changes needed to really make a marriage work & the only reason it worked that long was the first 20 years, I was into my degree & my career & basically was able to avoid the marriage except to constantly clean up the messes he made.

It wasn't until I finally left & was able to look back at the marriage with an logical mind rather than being emotionally involved that I was able to see clearly all the things that were wrong with it & the fact that neither of us were capable of emotionally connecting basically with anyone, not just each other.

Unfortunately he has issues that keep him from maturing. For me, my best growth personally has been after getting out of the marriage & not jumping into another relationship. Sorting out my issues, growing & learning who I really am. If another possible relationship does come along, I have grown to know how to emotionally connect with others as it was something that I didn't grow up with nor did I live with a H who was capable of emotionally connecting so I had NO IDEA what in the world it even felt like.

The important thing is to determine what it is that she is unhappy about & maybe she needs to go to therapy in order to find the words to express it if she's anything like I was.....I just knew that I felt unhappy but didn't truly understand why until I was finally able to analyze myself & my marriage from a distance.

Honestly, IF there was a foundation to your marriage in the beginning, then counseling can help bring back what was there in the first place if too much damage hasn't already been done. By the time I left, I was going to get out one way or another & I had already tried for years the other ways when I was feeling so trapped. Even private therapy didn't help me to see that until after I left.

[Fuzzybear]

[fairydustgirl]

I am sorry to hear that your wife has said this. I know there are two sides to everything, I was the wife who wanted to leave after 28 years. There was a LOT going on and neither side was right or wrong, it just was. The biggest issue though was ....he spent 5 years traveling to a job in another state after his military retirement...monday through friday he was gone. so basically we saw each other on saturdays and part of sunday...for 5 years. We went to counseling 5 different times over 8 years. bottom line was...he liked working like that (after being a workaholic for many years prior) and I didn't protest loud or long enough against his work life. I had even asked about moving to where his job was and he said 'no, I make more money like this'. (per diem, travel pay, gas allowance)

there's more to all of it obviously...my mental health issues that showed up after we were married 20 years...all of the separations from the military...we just...became different people who were not able to follow the same path together anymore.

I don't know what all has happened in your lives, if you have tried counseling, if there are mental health issues that are causing troubles. perhaps things can be fixed...or not. what I do know is, both parties have to be willing and IN IT...for counseling to work. for us. at first he was not...then as the last ditch effort I was not. and that is when he admitted that he had left me on purpose, because "I wasn't working on getting better"...I have bipolar 1...it doesn't get 'better' it is managed. it will never go away, be cured, or whatever he thought should happen. so. it is what it is. and we are divorced, initially it was pretty hard for us both, but he is doing better, I am doing better and we are happier apart. and somehow able to talk together, text sometimes and be in the same room together and be friendly.

I do wish you the best

[Grandessa]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello Tuomtpi: I'm sorry you are finding yourself in this difficult situation. Hopefully being here on PC can be of some comfort & support. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

I'm in a similar situation. My husband of 41 years told me 4 months ago he wanted a divorce. We are now separated with no communication. I feel like I'm in an emotional desert. This man was an integral part of me. There is no understanding this; I won't even try. Only acceptance and lots of grief to get through. Another post about remembering that things that didn't work instead of fixating on those that did, is a great piece of advice. Here I go!