[mymilliegirl]

I am 26 years old and have been married to my husband for a whopping 17 months. We have slept in separate bedrooms for about 8 months (mostly due to snoring problems), but I recently moved back to my parents house two weeks ago. I am having huge doubts that I married the wrong person. My husband is a great guy, and will no doubt always take care of me, but I don't feel like I love him. He's a great friend to me, but that's all I feel. I had doubts before we got married, but moved forward with our wedding because I was scared of what would happen if I said no, or thought that I could just "make it work." I know life would be comfortable with him if I stay, but am scared I will regret staying married to someone I don't really love. Any advice out there for a young, confused newlywed with her whole life ahead of her?

[DisfunctionJunction]

When was the last time you remember any spark between you two? How long were you together before you decided to get married? Relationships are hard work. Long term relationships require more than just passion, butterflies etc. There are ups and downs and sometimes it can feel more like living with your best friend not the fiery lover you fell for. But the true connection has to be there for any relationship to last. Communication, honesty, openness, sharing dreams, fears, highs and lows, and most importantly imho true mutual two way street RESPECT. I know it's a gut wrenching talk to have but my best advice is to have an honest conversation w your Hubble about how you are feeling... (kindly and tactfully of course) your partners response may or may not surprise you, but it might give you some reassurance on either way... But regardless, how ever the convo goes... If you still feel the same doubts after reflecting... Then you gotta do you! Yes you might hurt him by leaving but if it's just not working the sooner you break it off the less likely it is to cause long term damage to either of you.

[TishaBuv]

I suggest you really look into yourself to see if you have issues with trust and commitment. If it really is that you just don't love him, then good for you for being brave enough to get out now.

[JustJenny]

I am 28 and I have been married for 11 months, we got married after two years of dating. I can hardly imagine my life without him, my life seems right.

I am sorry you are in doubt. Is there anything that can be done to make you love him again? Would you love him if he brought you flowers once a week? Or if he became more adventurous? Or if he lost/gained weight or change something in the way he looks?

[B2008]

I wasn't in love with my husband when we were married either. However we were really great friends, he was definetly in love with me and I did have love for him. I was actually 26 and he was 24. I knew in my heart he was the right choice and hopefully love would come later. It took two years! We've been married 8 1/2 years now and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Love comes and goes in any relationship. The first years are definetly the hardest! As long as there's no violence or abuse in the marriage it's definetly worth pushing on until you know 100% for sure it just won't work. I remember trying to leave my husband once about a year and a half in. He held on so tight that I couldn't. And now I am so thankful he was able to love for me during the times I just couldn't! Lots of hope your way! I really hope you find a way through this and find what I found with my husband!

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

[Ocean Swimmer]

Love comes in many forms.
But I think people should wait to marry. You should travel and get a career and build your life.

My mom used to say,"And just what are you bringing to the party?".

It's easier to get in than out. You're 1/2 way out. Go for it.

[eskielover]

Ask yourself why? Why did you have doubts before the wedding. Put real words & real feelings to the why...not " just because"

It's not easy to understand the why & we & others are quick to brush it away especially when the person is nice. I know I had red flags before my wedding & didn't understand them well enough to truly explain the depth of what was going on. 33 years later I finally left for those same reasons the red flags existed & while living with him I couldn't figure it out until years after I left & finally good therapy.

He had attitudes that rubbed me the wrong way before we got married & they made me not respect him & love can never grow where there is no respect. We had only known each other from the beginning og the school year & he was a graduating senior with a BS in computer science with a really bad GPA. His reason was he didn't want to bother in the classes he KNEW he was smarter than the instructor in while my comment was one can always learn something no matter what if they put out some effort....I saw ARROGANCE. Then he went for a job interview to work in the programming department for the bank he worked at while getting his degree (didn't get it at the time but they moved him from teller & dealing with people to the back processing checks) while in school ( makes sense now). Anyway the bank refused to hire him because of his bad GPA. He was angry at them & said his GPA didn't reflect his intelligence or what he could do. I told him it reflected his attitude & they didn't want to hire someone who wouldn't do a job they thought below themselves. Add to that a bunch of immature friends. My mother assured me that he would grow up & be responsible when he had to......he never did.

I allowed my value on education to talk me into the fact that with it, he would be nothing like my uneducated father as I was sure that was why my dad was the way he was. Mind you...my parents were nice & so was H....but living around someone even when they are nice when there is conflict in attitude & thought & values will NEVER be an environment for love to grow in. I kick myself for not understanding those red flags but now realize I was living with totally dysfunctional parents who had no idea about the realities of relationships. I had no mentor to listen to or to discuss the situation with & to learn from to make a truly informed decision from at that time. I'm so glag that I have finally been able to see the real picture of what I lived with all my life so I will never make that mistake again if I were to ever find marriage a possibility in the future.

It's important to know yourself rather than defining yourself bu the person you are married to. Oh how I wish I had intelligent/wise parents to have guided me rather that figuring it all out on my own.

Being alone is not bad compared to living in a bad marriage. It took me years of research to finally understand what is behind the H's behavior & it opened the door to explaining why my dad was the way he was....while I thought education level fixed everything....I had a lot to learn.

But this is why I say...know the why & truly understand what you thought was the problem & honestly why you went ahead with the marriage. When I asked H at the end why he got married he said it was what people were supposed to do at that age with a person you like (he had no concept of what love was& neither did I)

Relationships are complicated but if we don't know ourselves well it only complicates it more.