[valeriejayne]

Hi....
I'm new here. Am having a hard time warding off the depression of my situation. Last spring, my functional alcoholic husband asked for a separation. This was a surprise to me, as we had been married 33 years and neither of us believed in divorce. He doesn't really give a good reason other than we haven't gotten along for the last two years. I agree on that...we haven't gotten along in the last two years...
Because he has been drinking himself into oblivion the last 2 + years. And I have been itching about it the last 2 years! I started by just trying to talk to him because his drinking had been slowly increasing the last 4-5 years. The last couple of years he has been drinking himself to the point where he doesn't remember what he did the night before, the next day. This was happening about 3-5 times a week, every week. When he was obliverated from drinking, he would also need babysitting because he would do stupid stuff like want to drive, so he would go for the keys and then I had to physically take the keys away because he wouldn't want to give them to me....he fell out the window a couple of times (although not very high up) and he tends to forget where the bathroom is and urinated everywhere...in the baskets, in the corners, in the sinks...you get it.
So why am I so sad and depressed because he is gone? Why? Because I still love him...I met him when I was 15 and yes, he was an alcoholic back then...but, I did end up marrying him and had 2 off his children, now grown ups. Anyway...He, right now, lives in a different state...A state where most of OUR friends are...Although the friends tell me to run as fast as I can away from him while I have the chance....I'm missing him and just wanting to talk to him, although I haven't. You see..if I ask myself if I want to keep dealing with all the stuff that comes along with being with an alcoholic...then NO, I don't want him....but man...30 years I devoted my life to this man..through thck and thin....
Well since I can't type anymore because my hand if going numb...I will end my rant and question here...Need some feedback...I don't understand.

[Skeezyks]

Hello valeriejayne: Thank you for sharing your struggle. Thirty years & 2 children is a huge chunk out of your life! People have been laid low by much less. It will take time to grieve the loss of the future you had always hoped for. Perhaps even in the throes of your husband's alcoholism, somewhere in the back of your mind you hoped that things could get better. Now it has become apparent that this will not occur. It will take time to grieve this great loss. Please treat yourself gently...

[valeriejayne]

Thanks Skeezyks...This is so hard. I feel so alone. I know baby steps are the best way to go but I feel that since it has been almost a year since our separation, I am still stuck in a deep depression and not moving forwAnd it really hurts that he just cut the ties so fast and completely and won't even talk to me...so sad.

[hannabee]

IMO, it's time to start looking forward not backwards! You are still relatively young (50, I think?), so there is still time to meet someone who will respect and treat you better. You deserve it, you really do. Please get some help with the grieving process you are going through. It's a lot to lose that long of a relationship.
You made the choice when you were still a child really. Forgive yourself and move forward. Big hug for you. I hope you can lean on your kids a little!!!

[eskielover]

The best part of being alone after all these years of living in a dysfunctional relationship is that you can NOW. Learn who you are, what your values really are & learn to live around real functional people as you get involved in community activities. Don't go looking for someone to fill the void!!!! You need to spend time really learning who you are & all the capabilities you have other than giving your life to a dysfunctional husband.

Be thankful he finally left & gave you the freedom you deserved long before now.

Yes it's difficult not having someone to share a "did you see that?" or "look at this"......but one soon gets over that....it is all part of a grieving process but in the end we feel thankful for the loss.

Maybe it was easier for me because I was the one who finally got fed up & left but then I wasn't co-dependent which is something that most pushes of alcoholics end up growing to be & an issue that good therapy can help with. I was married for 33 years before finally leaving the bad marriage I was in. It wasn't an alcoholic situation but it was his inability to ever grow up or have an emotional connection. I knew I was miserable but not as much as I realized after I finally left.

You will get through the grieving & be more happy than you ever had & wonder why you put up with it so long

[valeriejayne]

I am doing a little better...especially since reading a lot of your posts...they have helped a lot. Yes, I was just a child myself when we met and married. I had his two children and then raised them by myself (their woods, not mins). The kids don't remember their dad ever being there for them...they said that they were with me all the time and I was the one that was there for them when they needed me. My boys are now 30 and 31 and have been a great boost to my feelings as they remember their childhood and the lack of their dad. That saddens me, but there is nothing I can do about it.
Three days ago I was told that he has a girlfriend. I wasn't shocked, but very hurt as this is the last thing on my mind for me. Although I am afraid that when I am ready to find someone, I won't be able to.
I feel like at 50, I am to old for the men out there. Although I am very loyal and communicative. When I give my heart I don't take it likely...I'm afraid this might scare men away...seems like when I look out there at the people I know, infidelity isn't a big deal anymore and open marriage is more accepted...that will never be for me...Like I said I am loyal to a fault and I don't know if men are just as loyal now days...obviously my husband wasn't.
Well..there goes my hands again...numbness prohibits anything further..thanks to all of you who have given me your stories as that has helped tremendously...Thank you all...I know it has to get better.