[Softballjunkie8]

Sooo...this is going to be kind of long. This is my 2nd post in this forum. My 1st one was about how my husband up and left me out of the clear blue and wanted a divorce. Left me with all the bills and no job I was devastated to say the least. Well good news. I was able to get a job and am now working. I am slowly trying to pick my self off the floor and then bam...my husband trys to start talking to me again.

I quit all communications with him because I felt it was best for me to try and move on. Well he about 2 weeks ago started coming by for some stuff he left and we started having "friendly" conversations It took everything in me not to lash out. I had done enough of that the 1st few times I talked to him. Everything seemed fair until last night. He called late and asked if he could come by and talk because he was really in a bad place. Reluctantly I agreed and he came over. We talked for about 3 hours and he told me regrets what he's doing but "doesn't want to be married." He said he cares for me and is still very attracted to me. He even said one day he'll realize what a good woman he left. He said he's in a bad place mentality and doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he has. He even toward the end of of discussion started to flirt with me!
This has really done wonders on my coping. I told him this and he said that if I ever needed to talk to him I could!?! This is all even more confusing. I am trying to accept the fact that the marriage is over. This has made me feel that he might want to go to counseling but then he says he made his mind up on divorce. He even said that he feels I'm the only person that he can really talk to but he is so sure about divorce. Everything he's saying is a contradiction and it's making things so much worse. I just don't know how to cope among all his confusing statements. He even mentioned being "friends" after the divorce!

[Skeezyks]

Hello Softballjunkie8: Thank you for sharing this difficult situation. I recall having read & replied to your previous post. I've given what you wrote some thought. I'm going to go out on a limb here & suggest that there is something your husband isn't telling you. I could be completely wrong about this. But my sense is that there is something in the background he's keeping to himself. It could be an affair. It could be some kind of sexual orientation or gender identity issue, or something else entirely. I don't know. But I suspect that there's something hiding in the background that is driving this.

Assuming this is the case, your husband may or may not ever be willing to share what is going on. If he does, of course, that would make things at least a bit easier. But if he chooses not to then, from my perspective, you will have to decide what you can & can't handle & establish some firm boundaries. I have had to do this in my marriage for reasons I won't go into here. Anyway, I wish you all the best with this most difficult situation. Please continue posting!

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by Softballjunkie8

Sooo...this is going to be kind of long. This is my 2nd post in this forum. My 1st one was about how my husband up and left me out of the clear blue and wanted a divorce. Left me with all the bills and no job I was devastated to say the least. Well good news. I was able to get a job and am now working. I am slowly trying to pick my self off the floor and then bam...my husband trys to start talking to me again.

I quit all communications with him because I felt it was best for me to try and move on. Well he about 2 weeks ago started coming by for some stuff he left and we started having "friendly" conversations It took everything in me not to lash out. I had done enough of that the 1st few times I talked to him. Everything seemed fair until last night. He called late and asked if he could come by and talk because he was really in a bad place. Reluctantly I agreed and he came over. We talked for about 3 hours and he told me regrets what he's doing but "doesn't want to be married." He said he cares for me and is still very attracted to me. He even said one day he'll realize what a good woman he left. He said he's in a bad place mentality and doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he has. He even toward the end of of discussion started to flirt with me!
This has really done wonders on my coping. I told him this and he said that if I ever needed to talk to him I could!?! This is all even more confusing. I am trying to accept the fact that the marriage is over. This has made me feel that he might want to go to counseling but then he says he made his mind up on divorce. He even said that he feels I'm the only person that he can really talk to but he is so sure about divorce. Everything he's saying is a contradiction and it's making things so much worse. I just don't know how to cope among all his confusing statements. He even mentioned being "friends" after the divorce!

Calling late and wanting to come over to talk, sounds like possibly he wanted a booty call. Especially with flirting with you. It could be he really wants to divorce you while still having you to emotionally support him and to have sex with you when he wants - cake and eat it too, you know? It's possible that in his eyes, why would he want to give all that up if he could have it with zero commitment? Pay zero attention to what he implies, only to what he says. If he says he wants a divorce, he might make it seem like he might want to go to counseling but don't read into it, if he doesn't actually say he wants to go to counseling that will only lead to heartache.

If he's in a bad place and he needs to talk to someone I'm sure he has friends and family other than you. He can also see a therapist. If I were in this situation, I would have very strong boundaries - no coming over late at night, no coming over unannounced, if he needs to pick something up he can make arrangements to move everything out because he can't just keep coming by.

[DBTDiva]

I went back and read your previous post, I remember it from when you posted before. Remembering how he was refusing to tell the coworker he was texting that he was married + what you've said really makes me think it's a "having his cake and eating it too" situation. If he can have you and that other woman and whatever other women he's talking to, it all works out really well for him!

[healingme4me]

A boundary can be, I can't be your therapist. Friendly chatter post divorce doesn't typically occur right away. We're talking years that need to go by combined with some life changing event.

Of course, what he's doing feels confusing. Sounds like he's confused, but certainly not authentically ready to change to a healthier type of relationship.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

. . . up and left you out of the clear blue . . .

That demonstrates a serious lack of integrity and a major character flaw. People can make mistakes but his type of "mistake" speaks to something else. Look out for your own best interests, which he surely has not been and currently is not doing.

Things will get better, your pain will subside . . . it will come to pass sooner if you keep a very good distance between you and him.

Take care of yourself!