[Jpander]

My wife and I are currently separated. We have been for about a month now. We have been married for two and a half years, and have been together six. Roughly six months ago things started to go downhill. I found out she was meeting someone on the side, no sex or anything between them, she just couldn't confide in me so she started talking to another male friend. I kind of drove her to that. I took her for granted and forgot that she was my wife. The sex stopped and we just didn't get along. We would sit in the same room and barely talk to each other. So on to the present, we went to counseling once and things were better for a month then it went back downhill. She has the house and I have my own apartment. She wanted the divorce now she isn't sure, but she gets mad when I bring up separation, says it makes her uncomfortable to talk about it. If she wanted it why would it make her uncomfortable? She says she possibly wants to reconcile but whenever I ask the only answer I get is "I don't know" and"I can't answer that right now" I'm just confused how can you want the divorce but now get angry when I bring it up. We got into a bad argue don't and I said just write it up and let's be done and she got so mad at me for it. I just don't understand. I love my wife and want to work it out but it's getting harder every day. I'm trying to keep communication lines open but if I didn't text her she prob wouldn't text me back. She asked me to move out and I did. I. Think she just wanted the easy way out but she realizes it may have been s mistake. I make the majority of the money for the household, or I did. I think she may be hanging on just for finances. I did ask her why she is hanging on I but she said she didn't want to talk about it. I want to stay with her but I don't know. Anyone have any advice or and insight to what they think she is thinking?

[healingme4me]

Before I read through to your question my line of thinking involved "grass isn't always greener" impressions.

The question needn't be what is she thinking, but is this the style of relationship that you truly want going into your future?

[Skeezyks]

Hello Jpander: I see this is your first post here on PC... so... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! May you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Realistically, I don't know what's going on with your wife. Perhaps she's just unable to commit to a course of action... either reconciliation or divorce. I noted that you said the two of you went to one counseling session. From my perspective, little of any lasting value can be anticipated from one session. I'm not a big fan of counseling or therapy. But if it is going to work, much more than one session is necessary. It is an ongoing commitment over a period of time.

Of course, at this point, your wife may or may not be interested in revisiting this option. And she may or may not be able to come to a decision with regard to what she wants to do. If that is the case, then at some point you may simply have to make a unilateral decision based on what you want for yourself. As healingme4me wrote: is this the style of relationship you want going into your future? I wish you well...

Jpander,

Even though my marriage was over after 8 months, it wasn't until one child and 6 years later that my wife filed for the divorce that I should have filed for at that 8 month juncture.

During that 6 years we separated, we had a few arguments and we reconciled. I didn't drive her into the affair that she had at 8 months, but I know that I drove her to file for the divorce. I think. She never told me the reason that she divorced me – maybe she was just the first to admit to being miserable (because I certainly was; just not enough to have my son suffer through a divorce).

Anyway, my wife flip-flopped, too. We didn't know that we had to stop sleeping together, for instance, before the filing could proceed. Little things, anytime that she might need my help, would make her cry and say, over and over, "I don't know how I'm going to make it without you."

So my wife (ex-wife... it's just simpler to write 'wife') was similar to yours in that she vacillated between wanting to divorce or continue our marriage. I loved my wife, too. I fought the divorce – something really stupid to try these days – and it wasn't until I moved out that the white Volvo was parked in our drive every evening that I completely caved and gave her far, far more than she'd asked for.

I can only see these things from my POV, naturally, but if I were you I would go ahead with the divorce as quickly as possible, move on and never look back. I was once a proponent of marriage at almost any cost, particularly with children involved. Maybe I still am in the latter cases.

But in your case it sounds as if there has been an irreconcilable breakdown in communications and, with that gone, the marriage might as well be over legally as well.

My ex-best friend's newly divorced father put it best, after 5 or 6 scotches: "Women are dirty, rottin', stinkin', liars, each and every one of 'em!" Well, not best maybe, but the point that he was trying to make, I think, is that trust is not easy to regain and that if you can't communicate about large and small concerns then you've lost one of the basic tenets of marriage.

I also used to believe that every partner who filed for divorce did so for selfish and self-motivated reasons. I still believe that to be the case frequently.

When I think, though, of the more probable happy outcome for both my wife and myself had I filed for divorce at the time of her infidelity, I cringe a bit. I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want to admit failure so soon and I loved her. I had other justifications, but my mind is going on vacation right now and my reasoning skills are going south.

It may seem more like the negotiation of a business contract but, were I you, I would create a schedule, with deadlines, to discuss the issues that you need to discuss with your wife. If she doesn't like the idea of a schedule or doesn't feel like discussing a subject at a scheduled time – tough. Marriage requires rules and schedules, too.

Who knows what she's thinking? Not allowing you in on what she's thinking, that's certain. If you don't want to go insane wondering what she wants you to think that she's thinking, I would consider putting an end date on that schedule. That may seem harsher and colder than the schedule itself but as my loss of sanity proves, you can't always trust your emotions. I wish that you could – I'd like to think that love is so pure that it would never lead you to make wayward decisions.

You and your wife will suffer regardless of the decisions that you both make. It doesn't matter which of you files, one or both of you will feel betrayed and/or rejected. Since you've been together for 6 years there may be 'things' that you've collected together that might cause petty squabbles. Really strange things might come up. You may find an inner-pettiness that you didn't know that you had. In a perfect world, every divorce would be a $400/30-day divorce – and if you do decide to divorce (and you have no children?) that kind of divorce is just as good as a divorce with a horde of lawyers on both sides.

I edited this to add something, but nodded off. I'll say it again. I hate this life. Good luck in making a decision. I hope that you'll not be confused for much longer and genuinely wish you the very best.

Just suggestions: suggestions I wish that I had thought of a long while ago.

[eskielover]

If the only answers you get from your wife are "I don't know" & "I don't want to talk about it now.", that is NOT communication. She either has a serious problem communicating or she's not wanting to be honest with you. Either problem makes a good marriage IMPOSSIBLE.

If you could find a good marriage counselor & you are both willing to work on making the marriage work because you care about each other & not just for financial reasons then you might get somewhere.

I lived for 33 years with a husband when asked a question how response was either "I don't know" or "whatever". Honestly by the time I finally did leave I was seeing red any time I had to have anything to do with him.

I left him 9 years ago & moved 2100 miles away. Gave him one chance to get his act together at my new farm I was able to buy after my mom died. Problem was that with the economy & finances, I haven't been able to afford even the low cost divorce. I have no interest in ever getting married again or having a guy in my life again after all those miserable years so the only reason I really need the divorce is to protect myself from his financial irresponsible behavior.

He was never capable of communicating of any emotional connection. Didn't realize the real picture of the relationship until after I left & was able to analyze all those years & realize that I left my problems with him which made me realize that I wasn't the one who was causing the problems in the first place.

Maybe your wife isn't communicating with you because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by being honest but it sounds more like her inability to communicate. Probably best to just end your marriage at this point rather than fighting & battling to make something impossible work when in the end you will be miserable anyway.

I believe in the marriage commitment but after my own experience, I do believe there are reasonable exceptions.