[hoping4best]

Hi all you wonderful people out there! this forum has helped me keep my sanity when i was going through difficult times in past. but now its the worst so far. I will try to keep it short - I'm a mother of a beautiful baby girl who is 18 months old, and I'm going through divorce. I didn't want this to happen but still its happening. I will also share the details someday, but for now, i really truly bliev that despite my faults I didnot deserve this to happen to me.

My soon to be Ex Husband knows this VERY well that I'm emotionally not strong. and still he is making me miserable. he was a loving father, really took care of our baby girl, But now he's not thinking about her at all. I'm from Pakistan and in our society the future of children of divorced parents is usually considred bleak and there's no way it will be a joint custody, she will just stay with me. he knows this and is still fine with it. which maks me think that am i so bad that in order to gt rid of me my husband is even willing to let go of his beloved daughter. one thing more, he is mainly doing this due to his family pressure but thats no excuse.

The main reason I'm here is that im finding it really hard to keep myself together. he has verbally divorced me and according to our religion im divorced. i also know this for fact that divorce papers are also ready and he might be sending them to me any time soon. h also said to me in when we last communicatd that he's going to re-marry real quick. and i hav heard that its going to happen in next 10 days. he divorcd me 20 days ago.. im really depressed..unable to think clearly and to be very frank im still in denial phase..im still kind of hoping that everything will be magically fine but yeah its quite impossible now. please help me in how to kep myself emotionally stable. i might already have undiagnosed bipolar and du to some prsonal reasons therapy is out of question for now.
i need to know that in my case - unwanted divorce - after how much tim i will start feeling normal again? im 30 years old. i want to get stable real quick so that i can be there for my baby girl. in my past i have been emotionally unstable and according to my husband he was tired of all this. but there were so many other factors, like his family, which i will tell the details later on.
my concerns plz....
1) how much it will take for me to accept this divorce and start the healing process?
2) Will i EVER be able to get over this divorce.
3) what should i do to bring myself together and to be emotionally stabl for my girl.

your kind responses will be highly appreciated. may God help us all!

[Whisper888]

I'm really sorry to hear about your divorce. Now is the time to focus on yourself and your daughter. Don't let your husband steal your light. The next few months will be hard...I wish I could lie and say they won't. But keep hanging in there. Find small things that relieve your stress or bring you joy. Lean on your friends and family if you need to. And most of all...don't let anyone judge you. Who cares what they think, your husband choose to leave. This makes him the bad guy in the story, not you. Of course you will feel sad...it's the loss of all the dreams you 2 built together. The end of a book, but now you have a chance to write a new story...after you take the time to rest and heal yourself. Please take care. Sending my thoughts to you and your daughter.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Try and keep your stress as low as possible even if that means staying away from some people or limiting outings for awhile.

If you have family or friends that are not judging towards you and supportive, lean on these people as they can help you through this.

Does the father of your girl have to pay child support? If so, make sure he follows through. Do your best.

On the bipolar....I don't know what treatment options are in your area. I can tell you this. Try and keep your stress as low as possible. Read a good book, spend time with a loving friend, play with your daughter, pray to your God, etc. This will help keep your moods stable. Do see a doctor if you can.

My thoughts are with you. YES, you will get through this. You will be ok.

Keep coming here and post about how you are doing. Post in others threads if you can support them. We can all help each other. A kind, caring word helps so much.

[eskielover]

I;m sorry you are going through this. Relationships are difficult enough to make work when everyone is well.

If you are as unstable as you say with possible undiagnosed bipolar I would think the first thing you would want to do is to get to a psychiatrist who could work with you on getting meds to stabilize you so that you would stop having the problems you are dealing with.....if your problem is bipolar, his parents are only adding to your problems but they aren't your problem.

Sadly, the longer you take to get stabilized the longer it's going to take you to get over the divorce & get on with your life especially if you want to be a positive force in your daughter's life.

I understand it's difficult but when we don't take care of our own selves & the problems we have we only end up hurting ourselves & our children worse & that is sad just like the break up of a marriage.

[highnrg1]

Divorce is so difficult when both people are in agreement that it needs to happen, so I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I do not think that your (possibly soon to be ex) husband can remarry until a LEGAL divorce has taken place (which if you have not drawn up or received divorce papers, hired a lawyer and secured a court date for your hearing, it has NOT taken place). I am assuming you are in the United States, and I realize (since you said you are from Pakistan), that if you are still in Pakistan that your laws may be completely different, so I apologize if my assumption is incorrect about you being in the US).
However, the first issue I saw is that the man you married was 10 years older than you in the first place. This is not always the case, but some men really have a penchant for younger women and feel they should "trade in" for a "younger model" after awhile. My dad was remarried 4 times (younger each time) after he and my mom got divorced and I was always bothered by that, but I know that is how some men think.
But please know this man's decision to abandon his family is NOT YOUR FAULT!!! He sounds like an egocentric narcissist who is only concerned about his own needs and wants. People that are like that try to hurl insults at others and blame other people for what really are THEIR shortcomings. So, first of all, PLEASE do not take on his lies as your realities. You definitely do not deserve that.
I can tell you are an amazing mom, because you mentioned throughout your post how concerned you are for your daughter. THAT will be what gets you through!!! Having someone to focus your love and care and attention on is a true gift through the process of divorce.
Now, that being said, it is a journey and you will have good days and bad days for quite some time.
First, you can't grieve your divorce effectively until it's actually been completed. I was separated for about 3 years before my divorce was finalized and then it was another 2 and 1/2 years before our house sold (neither of us lived there the last year, it was vacant) but then I eventually had a "clean" break from my ex. I know that "in between" time is often uncertain and can be very challenging. Like you said, "he divorced you verbally so, you are divorced in your culture". If that's true, then perhaps you can consider this a "positive" and allow yourself to begin the grieving process.
Part of my grieving process was choosing to see the FREEDOM that my divorce actually brought me. I listed many of the hurtful things my ex used to do on one side of a paper and several of the positive things I was going to miss about my marriage on another side of the paper. Most of the "positive" things were related to "being married", "having a friend/companion" or something like "always having someone to talk to." When I reviewed the list, most of the things I really valued in my marriage were not connected to my "ex" personally and were all things that I could one day find again, if and when I chose to pursue another relationship. I went through the list very frequently and said, "Today I am blessed because I don't have to be deal with (I'd name a problem from the list that I was freed from when I got divorced) and while I am missing (I'd pick something I was grieving from my marriage), I believe I can move forward and become stronger for me and my children by (I'd choose a positive action I would take to try to help myself feel more positive…things like 'listening to a song and let the beautiful lyrics be about me" or "watch a favorite movie and really enjoy it etc.).
I think the pain lasts as long as you choose to hold onto it. My grandparents got divorced after 30 years of marriage and my grandma lived for an additional 20 years after that. She was one of the most bitter people I know because she always blamed my grandpa for her misery and she always hoped that he would somehow return to her and they would be reunited. The main thing I learned from watching her do that was to "let go" of something that is "dead" or else you let that "dead" thing take over you!
Don't get me wrong, you are allowed to grieve and be upset and hurt by this. But the sooner you accept it and make a plan to recover from it, the better off you will be.
Finally, as for dating. I have been separated/divorced for more than 5 years. I am still not ready to date and also do not desire to do so. But every person is different. The one thing I can say is that it is NEVER a good idea to hurry into another relationship.
Maybe you can find a group or class that can help you deal with your pain and loss (A "Divorce Care" group at my church was extremely helpful to me). Find some books or resources that can help you deal with your pain and grief productively so you can grow stronger when you emerge from this dark place on the other side. So many people have similar stories and share how they have gotten through. Perhaps one of these books could help you as well, because we don't always have to go through hardships alone. Most of all, do not rush the process. Whatever time you need, you need. Allow yourself to have it (good days and bad) and at a certain point, you'll stand back and realize you are making GOOD progress and you'll know you're going to be OKAY.
Best of luck to you and please know that you are a caring, thoughtful mother and you should be very proud of that. You cannot make this man do right by your daughter no matter ho hard you try, so please don't put that burden on yourself. Perhaps he will, in the end, do right by her, but that is not your responsibility and the guilt and sadness that comes from his abandonment of your daughter is not yours to bear. That responsibility rests solely on HIS shoulders. As for BPD, (I have ADHD) everything is likely harder without treatment and/or meds, but know you still CAN do this if you make a plan, seek out help from others and explore resources to help you through this remarkably challenging times.
Let your commitment to being healthy for your daughter propel your decisions and reactions to this divorce and show her how much you care about her and that you will always do your part (and more) to keep her safe and ensure that she feels loved (as it is readily apparent you are committed to from your post). Keep up the great parenting and look for good moments (no matter how small) every day and celebrate them and maybe even keep them in a journal and revisit these successes from time to time.Best of luck to you and keep us posted!

[Blizz88]

Thank you for sharing, and I am sorry that you are going through all of this. Take things one day at a time. You are going through a lot all at once, and your way of life is changing. You will accept things and move on at your own pace. Time and healthy coping strategies may be the best thing for you. For example, try to find yourself a hobby. Engaging in a hobby can be very beneficial for your well-being. It can be writing, drawing, working out, crafts, and more. Also, keeping a journal can be helpful. It is a method for you in order to vent. I will say that the sooner you accept what is happening, the sooner you will be able to start healing and moving forward. You have a baby girl that will grow up looking up to you for being a strong, independent woman and mother.

[eskielover]

Are you from Pakistan & living in another country now? Sometimes the cultural thinking that comes from where we grew up & earned isn't the same where we end up living & that can help so much with the life that you & your daughter will live after the divorce. Though it's a known fact that it's important for father's to be a part of their children's lives, there are some father's who just don't want to be & honestly, the kids are better off, finding a better male role model for them to have as their experience growing up no matter what a good father he was in the first years of her life.

The good thing about becoming emotionally stable & being strong through this is that you daughter will sense that strength even at a young age as they are very sensitive to those kinds of things even at a young age. It can be a good teaching experience for her especially if you can be strong without holding a bitterness toward your ex or men in general but can show her the strength that women are very capable of handling life even though we honestly enjoy having a partner rather than having to do it along when the partner is the right person.