[Whisper888]

I'm feeling disheartened. I've been preparing to seperate from my husband for the last 9 months. I just want to make this as easy on my kids as possible.it's become very obvious that I won't be ready till spring. It's taking alot longer then I had hoped. My marriage is feeling very ....hostile lately. I quit pretending that I'm ok with the way I have been treated in our marriage. My husband has been putting in an effort this past month...bUT it's just so...little. Normally I would encourage him and reciprocate, but honestly...I just don't care anymore.
I keep reminding myself how far I have come this past year. I drug myself out of a year long battle with anxiety and depression. After I started feeling better (or at least good enough) I had to start working full time, instead of part time. Get paperwork together, and bank accounts etc..
And things just keep going wrong...
Starting to feel like I will never be ready to leave. Now it's too close to Christmas...
I actually thought..maybe I should just stay for my kids. The thought made me Ill. I had the same thought 8 years ago, and I did stay. The problem with my husband is...I don't think he can change. If I stay, I am committing to the same life. And I just can't do that anymore because I'm not the same person.
I'm just wondering...is this normal? Is coming to a decision about divorce a long process? I know that ending a marriage after 20 years should be hard. But I am starting to feel like I am drawing out the process. Part of me feels badly about this, but the other part of me feels like if I could depend on my husband to help out with the kids financially (which I really cant) then I wouldn't have to be so prepared before I leave.
Any advice is helpful...I guess I'm just feeling weary

[oscillapram]

Hang in there. Setbacks and delays are to be expected. Resolve to stick to your plan, just adjust your schedule expectations.

[gayleggg]

Leaving a 20 year marriage is tough. It will bring up a lot of feelings, good and bad. Hang in there.

[fairydustgirl]

I left after 28 years, I moved out because there was no way I could afford the house and I hated the house anyway, nothing but bad memories in it. it wasn't easy and even though my kids were adults, one of them refused to talk to me for 10 months. that was the hardest part of everything because I lived for my kids. he has since come around and we are fairly close again. I just had to be patient. While I lived at the house, I lived in another bedroom the last 4 months. Getting the separation agreement worked out was very nerve wracking because we were going to the mediator together then coming home and trying to work things out. He didn't want to pay me any money, he was very stingy...the mediator read him the riot act and he behaved better after that. financially I am doing pretty well and just bought a house.

I NEVER bad mouthed my ex to either of my kids and I don't believe he did that to me either. As for my ex, about 3 months after I left, we tried to date again and after the following 3 months of that we talked about going back to counseling again. that night I had a meltdown, the following day I was in despair (didn't dress, shower, raise the blinds, I cried all day long) and just realized there was just no way I could go back to what I had left. honestly, we both cried, we hugged each other and acknowledged it just wasn't meant to be. I ended up filing about 7 months after I left and even though it was uncontested, it still didn't get finalized for another 7 months. So yeah, it took a while.

weird as it sounds, we both care about each other, I have been there for him for a few emergencies that have come up, he has helped me with my house and given me advice about things when I ask...we are friendly but we just can't be married. and yes, he did make me crazy, the anxiety I felt whenever I was around him was enormous and anxiety fuels my bipolar episodes. for my mental health, I had to go. subsequently, he is actually healthier as well, my son says his dad's blood pressure has improved and he has lost the weight that he needed to. it's so weird to hear him tell me how proud he is of me and that he is glad to see I am happy but I'm glad for it. It's been almost 2 years since I left.

[seaecho]

"An ex is an ex for a reason." I'm sure you've heard that a LOT. And it's so true. Sure, maybe you guys can be friends (and it sounds like you are headed that way) but not be married or in a relationship.

Divorce is an exhausting experience, mentally and physically. I know first hand, as I've been divorced three times. The fourth marriage was the charm. I am finally happy. It took me almost 50 years to find the right man! I would not even not even consider getting back with him if I were you. It would be very hard on the kids, and it would never work in the long run anyway. Things would not change and you'd ultimately end up getting divorced anyway. Getting divorced is not something to be ashamed of. It's the people who stay together and are miserable that are the foolish ones. They spend the rest of their lives in misery. The right man for you IS out there!

[Whisper888]

Thank you for sharing your stories. I appreciate them and take strength from them. I guess Im just exhausted. Tired of pretending to be ok. Tired of faking it. Tired of analyzing everything.