Possible break-up in an hour or so-I need help, now

Ive posted a few times about recent issues with my boyfriend of two years and I am back again today to tell my story and hopefully...hopefully get some feedback. This will be a long one. He is 30 in December and I am 27 in January.

Right now, Im writing this out after I just got out of the shower-and ice cold one that I had to leave early for fear of fainting. I have just experienced my first panic attack in years.

I asked my boyfriend to come by at 10 tonight to talk. He said he should be able to and will let me know if he cant. Its 8:30 as I write this.

We are due to talk because, as the title says, we might be breaking up.

Flash Back: the past 4 months or so have been very rough on us. I made a friend at work who I developed a crush on and hid it from my partner while pursuing the friendship deeper with my coworker. When my partner found out, he was enraged. But he dealt with it as best he could until he has to break the silence. We spoke. We didnt just speak about that though, we also spoke about the other things he was unhappy with; the fact that I havnt returned to school. my bad sleeping habits, my smoking, not having a good job, etc. Thats was maybe 1.5 or 2 months ago. Since then, I have registered for another class, begun exploring options for my professional future, fixed my sleeping schedule, and have begun doing daily exercises to adress and heal my low self esteem which has caused jealousy in our relationship since the beginning.

Jealousy: the last time it reared its head was halloween. we had an amazing night and on the way home, I was drunk. So of course, my insecurities came out to play. I yelled and cried and cursed for all of 40 minutes about his new friend. his new "awesome" friend. She flirts with him a lot. He doesnt flirt back but I dont like the way she talks to him. Its possible im paranoid because of what I did to him with coworker.

The past week or so, he has become distant again (the first time was before the aforementioned conversation). He seems to be going through the motions of a happy boyfriend but there are times where his unhappiness shows itself. He used to cuddle with the blanket I crocheted him every night, he doesnt do that anymore. He thinks im always trying to argue, he seems to be looking for opportunities to get away from me, etc. Yesterday, I had enough. I broke down and my way of doing that was to be quiet and aloof the whole day (we we're together all day). He cuddled me last night. This morning he got mad about "complaining" about the noise he was making getting ready for work. I was mostly teasing him but I guess it didnt come out that way. When he dropped he off he wanted to kiss me but I said no and left the car. When I got inside, I texted him saying that I think its best if I give him space because he doesnt seem to be happy. He agreed. He said there are many things he loves about our relationship but twice as many that he doesnt like.

I told him that if that was the case, I think he simply doesnt want to be with me anymore and that thats okay. Later on, he asked if im okay and I asked him the same. He said the reality of the situation hasnt hit him yet. I said "the reality of the situation is that we're two people who love each other and want to make this work." I also asked is he came come by at 10 so we can sort this out. he said we do need to talk, that he needs time, and he doesnt know how he feels.

Its 845 now and I plan to ask him at 9 if he can make it at 10.

I wrote down in my phone memo all the things I want to say because I lose my train of thought easily. He knows that, reading from my phone wont be a big deal.

In what I have to say to him, I basically have: all the things listed that I corrected from the first time we talked about this (school, job, smoking, etc) and apparently thats still not good enough. I have planned to tell him that I think he might still love me but he doesnt enjoy my company in his life anymore. That I want to explore every avenue for healing before we end the relationship because 20+ months of happiness and a whole future is worth more than 4 months of hard times.

Its 10 minutes until 9 now. Im scared, im hopeful, im defeated, im tired, im sad, and im also a little bit okay.

Please give me some insight as a 3rd party who doesnt know us or give me some feedback, advice, anything.

Thank you.

Hello Heather Unbalanced: Well... since you posted this yesterday, you've presumably already had your conversation with your bf. I hope it went well. There's probably not much of anything I could offer in the way of useful advice here anyway. You asked for feedback, advice or anything. Simply place this in the "anything" file.

I'm an older man. And my wife & I have been married for 37 years. The one thing I know is that in order to keep a relationship going, over the long haul, requires a whole lot of forbearance on both sides. My wife has had to forgive me over-&-over. And, likewise, there are things she has done which I have had to accept or overlook.

So I guess what I want to suggest here is that what this all comes down to is either the two of you are committed to one another... or you're not. The issues regarding school, jobs, smoking, etc. are all just bumps in the road, so to speak. There will be too many to count over the course of a long-term relationship. (So are the flirtations as long as that's all they were.) From my perspective, I think each of you has to decide, in your own mind, if you want to be in this relationship enough that you're willing to do what needs to be done to make it work. If you both do, the rest is all just technicalities. I wish you both well...

Wow. I could have written that myself a hundred times over! It freaks me out a bit when I run across posts that sound so much like something I would have said or uncanny simular situation details...but as soon as I do a reality check...it's actually kinda comforting in an odd way..to feel a connection with a stranger.. I mostly feel like a cosmic glitch, but maybe we all feel like that sometimes?? Idk..it's think I had a point there but it probably got lost.. :/

How did the talk end up going?

I've had a couple of rocky relationships. Your story reminded me of my first love. So much was going on on both sides during those years. Certainly not my finer moments. Not that it didn't take two to tango.

I hope you are ok and able to update when you have a chance. Panic attacks are exhausting and worrying about fainting spells in showers is something I can relate to.