VENTING: The embarrassing letter I wrote to try to save my marriage.

Good evening. I'm just here to vent at the moment, and I hope this message finds anyone who comes across it doing well. Please feel free to comment, or give advice or input as you see fit. I promise my feelings won't get hurt, and I'll appreciate anything that anyone here has to say.

I'm just going to put a brief summary of what's going on right now followed by the letter I mentioned in the title of this thread to prevent myself from posting some wall of text that would probably amount to nothing more than a rant. We all rant sometimes, but I don't want to do that right now. I have laundry to fold and stuff... Here it goes!

After 6 months of living separated and pending divorce, I sent my ex a letter trying to save our marriage. I immediately felt like a dummy, because he rejected my proposal to save our marriage immediately due to the fact that he considered the girl he was dating his soulmate. He had met her one month prior to receiving my letter. I wish he had just told me not to send it at all, because I meant every word of it, and it came from my heart. I don't think he even read it.

I've moved on for my own sake, but I just wanted to put this letter out there -- minus the names which could identify us -- because it means something to me. I still care about him. I still want what's best for him. However, he's no good for himself or anyone else. I have a boyfriend who is healthy, stable, and supportive of me... and my children love him. My boyfriend has seen this letter, and he loves me even more for trying before completely giving up. I'm a little embarrassed by the letter... especially because I quoted an anime character.

We agreed to joint custody through a separation agreement -- to avoid a nasty divorce and custody battle -- and I was going to have primary physical custody and he would have visitation every other weekend. He didn't want primary physical custody, and the agreement was very "standard" in terms of what the parties involved in divorces are typically granted. Now he's agreeing to give me sole custody because he strangled his sister, threatened to kill her with a golf club, then threatened to kill himself... during his first visitation period with our twins. He got arrested, but charges aren't being pursued for assault/battery. He was back at home 3 days after being arrested and hospitalized for a mental evaluation. I don't think overkill is necessary here since he's agreeing to give me sole custody. I could probably make sure he never sees our children again, but I don't think that's what a "good person" would do, so I'm giving him a chance to get better for everyone's sake.

Enough background and current events... I'm not here to rant. Here's the letter I sent him in August 2016...

My *INSERT NAME*,

To begin with, I chose to address you as "My *INSERT NAME*" because we are still married, and I have always thought of you as "My *INSERT NAME*". I have loved you from the very start, and I never stopped loving you, even through all of the hard times, including the past six months we've been separated. I'm sorry if telling you how I feel is uncomfortable for you, but I do need closure, even though true closure may be out of my reach. You've made it very clear to me that reconciling our relationship is not a possibility - now or ever - but my feelings for you are not just going to disappear, because they are real. You are entitled to feel any way you want, but I want you to understand that reconciliation will always be possible, because my heart will always be open to you, even if your heart has closed to me. As long as I'm still here, there will always be a possibility to reconcile our relationship, and you will always have an opportunity to change your mind.

"A place where someone still thinks of you, that's a place you can call home." - Jiraiya (Naruto)

If I could have one wish, it would be for you to see yourself as I see you, so you could understand how much I love you, and how sorry I am for not being able to see the error in my ways until recently. My lack of self-esteem and my personal insecurities barred me from truly forgiving you, and I denied you certain things that were necessary to move forward in a healthy way. Over time, our relationship became increasingly toxic... not because you couldn't give up your habits, but because I pushed you away for years due to my own lack of self-awareness and accountability. Along with lacking the insight to truly forgive you, I refused to give you affection and intimacy that was necessary to have a healthy relationship - and in doing so - I drove you to seek comfort in those same habits. It has taken six months apart from you to realize this, but I see it all so clearly now. Every time we tried to fix our relationship was in vain, because it took me all this time to realize the role I played in the downfall of our relationship. No amount of professional help could have made things better, because only now am I able to see the role I played. I wish there was a way to go back knowing what I know now, so the dreams we had together wouldn't have to end like this. Those dreams won't ever die, because there will always be a place for you in my heart and in my life. I will be working on my own to make progress towards those dreams without you, and you may rejoin me and we can share those dreams again, together, if you ever choose to. The door will always be open.

I'm sorry for always playing the victim in our relationship. I am not excusing your actions in any way, but I am forgiving you, because my inability to see my own role in the toxification of our relationship is what led you to most of those actions. I wish I could have the chance to make things right by showing you how different things would be if we had another chance together, but you have every right to deny me that opportunity. Again, the door will always be open.

I love you for everything that you are, and everything that you will ever be. You say that one day I will lose these feelings I have for you, but I won't, because I don't want to. I have never loved anyone the way that I love you, and you can't be replaced. Any love I give to anyone else will be a cheap, watered down version of the love I have for you. I can't give anyone else my love without the burden of guilt, because I can never give anyone else all of my love or all of my heart. You will always be holding a piece of my heart, because I gave it to you, and it will always be yours even if you don't want it.

I'm so sorry for everything I did wrong... for emasculating you, belittling you, and making you feel unappreciated. You were always special to me, and you always will be. You always deserved so much better from me, and I'm giving you my promise that if you ever give our relationship another chance, I will treat you the way you always deserved to be treated. Everyone makes mistakes, and if I ever stray from my my promise, I will allow myself to be held accountable and reminded of it. I promise I will always try harder and harder to be the companion you deserve. I will hold onto hope that one day I get the chance to prove it to you, by showing you how sorry I am instead of just telling you how sorry I am. I will never get to show you unless you give me that chance, so please remember how wonderful our love for each other once was, and please remember this promise I've made.

Love Always and Sincerely,
Your *INSERT NAME* - Your Wife

PS: I can't change your mind, but I am only asking you to consider my apology and my promise before letting go of hope that we could do better going forward, and with work, we can save our marriage. Please consider reading about saving toxic relationships. I have reached a point of self-awareness where our relationship could be saved, and hope is warranted, as long as we're both willing to give it our best effort. I am willing, and always will be, even if you're not right now.

Sounds like you came to the realization that both parties have responsibilities in a relationship. I'm sorry your letter didn't bring about the results you wanted. However , it sounds like you have moved on. Let it now rest in the past.

(((HUGS&TEARS)))

Your letter was truly moving.
I know you have both already gone your separate ways and all..but if my SO ever sent me a letter even half that heart-felt...I would be running back the second I received it...but I'm just a heartbroken sentimental fool. There should be so many more people in the world as loving and brave,as you are

Wow.........This is something that I could only dream of. A letter where my wife admitted
the things that she did to ruin our marriage. She NEVER took responsibility. Never apologized for what she did to me and how much she hurt me in the same ways you hurt your ex.
Always the victim. We are in the process of reconciliation but I will NEVER get a letter like you wrote. I have to accept that she just can't do it.
I know one thing , and that maybe in time he will realize what he is letting go.
One thing though , always being willing to take him back puzzles me as to how you can move forward. I can't see how your current boyfriend can be too happy about knowing you would leave him at a moments notice if your ex wanted back with you.

I definitely understand the question at the end... I can't take him back at a moments notice. He isn't even the person I wrote this to anymore. He changed on his own, or became the person he was hiding the whole time... I'm not sure which. But my SO understands what's happened, and I actually wrote the letter before he and I were more than friends.

I can't say that I'd go back to my ex anymore... but I can't say I'd *never* go back to him. I just wouldn't end my relationship with my SO to go back to him, at least not without a very legitimate reason, which I can't see happening.

Maybe someday my ex will actually read this, and regret the missed opportunity to patch things up. I don't wish for him to have any more regrets, though. I do care about him. Again, he's just different, in a scary way. I can barely recognize my ex from his personality anymore. My SO understands, and I think he's glad to be with me for the reasons you stated at the beginning of your reply... I actually understand the role I played, and stopped playing the victim. I think I can carry what I learned into my relationship with my SO.