[Silvia]

Hello everyone!
This is my first post here and I am not sure whether it is the right place…but I am looking for help and advices.I am so confused…I know my family will split very soon…
Let me describe in brief my whole turmoil and morass.
I have a son from my previous relationship.His bio-father has never been interested in his nurturing and upbringing.My first son was born in 1994.Five years later I met my present/and maybe soon-to-be-ex/ husband. We were married in June 1999, I got pregnant and gave a birth to my younger son in January 2000.My husband was present at the birth,and he was named on the birth certificate as the father of the child.That was not all…He left the college where he studied engineering because he wanted to take care of me,his son and his step-son…Even more-he wanted to adopt my older son and in this manner to make him equal to his biological child.He said it was unfair to the older boy not to be “a full part” of our family.The boy’s bio-father submited/with pleasure/ an affidavit that he did know the child,he did not wish to initiate a relationship with him and he relinquished his rights.The adoption was finalized in 2001.
Believe me or not- I was pretty sure that my husband was the bio-father of my younger child but I forgot one thing…I did not admit I had an unplanned sex with a friend of my cousin two,three or four days before I met my /to-be/husband.
I’d like to skip the facts where,when and why but my cousin’s friend initiated a paternity action. In our state it is admissible to be done any time./My cousin told him that his nephew-my younger son,has the same eyes color as his eyes…After that his friend checked his list for sexual intercources/!!!!/with dates,names …/
The court decision was: after factual findings the court adjudicated biological father as child’s legal father and directed of allocating parenting time, determined child support also ordered child’s last name to be changed and all parties to work with a psychologist to formulate a plan to integrate biological father into child’s life.The court rejected to apply de facto parent statute and it resulted in my husband being excluded from custody right.
Here the problems are:
My husband said it was humiliating for him to work for integration of the father,he felt I mislead him with my pregnancy to force him to adopt my older son…and left our home because he felt himself humiliated,hurted and embittered by dissapointments.
My older son call me slut and does not like to listen to me.
My younger son does not like to reciognize his biological father as a father.

Any advices?Help,please!!!


Some additional facts:
My husband has net the children many times after he left our home, I know he keeps in touch with my older son.
The bio-father of the younger child realized that he would be get accountable for retroactive child support and now he is willing to give his rights up.
Please for your excuse- I am so confused…

[Rhapsody]

<font color="purple"> (((( HUGS )))) - </font>
Oh sweetie I am so sorry that you are going thru so much in your life right now and that you are hurting while your family has fallen apart.

Please accept my ((( hugs ))) and know that you are being thought about...... now as far as advice go - I think you just have to step back and let what has to be be - for others have their own feelings to deal with right now - before it can get better.

[curley]

From what you wrote, i do not believe you were trying to be deceitful. . I think your cousin should have kept his mouth shut. I do not think secrets are good for any relationship. BUT what good came from exposing the truth. Everyone was hurt from the truth here. I am wondering what the real fathers agenda was since he has no intention of raising his son. I understand your husbands hurt. I hope you can get him to realize that you were not trying to hide anything. The sexual encounter happened before you met him and that you had not considered the possibility that another man was the father. I wish I had a "no fail" solution for you. I think only time can heal the wounds here. It will take a while to build trust again. I hope your love for each other is strong enough to rebuild what you had.

[sabby]

((( Silvia )))

First of all, Welcome to PC. We're glad you are here

You certainly do have your hands full with so many issues all balled into one it seems. I'm so sorry that your familly is fractured at the moment. I'm sure it seems like things are out of control right now.

I think it's important for all parties to have some time to absorb all the information and work through their emotions and feelings. I completely understand your husbands' feelings of hurt, anger and confusion. I completely understand where your feelings are lying right now. Time, patience and much love along with some possible family therapy might help to bring you both back onto the same page.

It's possible too that things won't work between you and your husband and you may have to work on finding a way to make it through without him. Putting your efforts into you and your sons is most important. I'm concerned that your oldest son is calling you names....it certainly sounds like he is hurting and needs some TLC and some clear direction with what is and is not acceptable to call his mother. Open dialoge with him (at the level he is able to understand) might be in order.

if the bio father of your youngest son all of a sudden realizes that he is liable for back child support and does not want to pay this, I would say you might have a good case back in court to stop the integration of the bio father with your son. I would strongly suggest speaking to a therapist regarding this along with an attorney. At the same time i have this gut reaction that the bio father of son #2 is playing games and needs to be held accountable for his actions.

This is certainly a difficult situation for all. I really hope that you go for the family therapy (including your children) regardless of anyone else. The three of you need to have some strength and togetherness between you in order for you all to move on productively.

Wishing you all well in this journey.


sabby

[Silvia]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
curley said:
From what you wrote, i do not believe you were trying to be deceitful. .

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Correct!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_sabby_ said:
((( Silvia )))
I completely understand your husbands' feelings of hurt, anger and confusion.

It's possible too that things won't work between you and your husband and you may have to work on finding a way to make it through without him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
That's my nightmare-I love him.
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_sabby_ said:I'm concerned that your oldest son is calling you names....it certainly sounds like he is hurting if the bio father of your youngest son all of a sudden realizes that he is liable for back child support and does not want to pay this, I would say you might have a good case back in court to stop the integration of the bio father with your son. I would strongly suggest speaking to a therapist regarding this along with an attorney.

sabby

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
The back CS has to be paid to my husband.
I can force no one to visit therapist.

Thank you very much to all!!!!

[sabby]

((((( Silvia )))))

I think this is one of those situations where time, patience and much love will help to heal things. It's definitely a situation where much can be learned from and applied to life. I'm so sorry this is so difficult for you and all involved.

I hope that you can find a place of refuge to recharge yourself and come to terms with what life has thrown your way. I'm sorry I don't have any other ideas for you to think about. But know that I care and I wish for you and your family some healing times and much love.

Take good care!


sabby

[bebop]

the only advise I have for you is to try to sit your husband down and explain to him that you did this before you met him. I have no idea how long you have been apart from your husband but maybe once he has had time to calm himself he will listen. my prayers and best wishes to you.

[Silvia]

Thank you everyone!