Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

Mapman · Sep 18, 2018, 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Good to hear that you have progressed towards meeting someone who can appreciate you and help you open up to being more positive about yourself and your life. By doing this you can begin to learn what you had missed in your relationship that you may have not realized before. Could be you were actually unfulfilled and just didn't know it, it's important that you allow yourself to find that out instead of obsessing about how your ex wife disappointed you and let you down. It's like wearing the same sneakers for years, somehow losing them and feeling really upset but then you find a new kind of sneakers that are WAY BETTER and you finally get to a point where you say, damn, glad I lost those old sneakers cause this pair is WAY BETTER and I would NEVER go back even if I could.

So true! Thanks Open Eyes!

Buffy01 · 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapman

She has apologized. She told me she didn’t want to hurt anyone but realizes that she has hurt me. But I don’t know—it feels hollow because she didn’t couple the apology with a commitment to stop contacting him.

I completely agree!I don't think the man she is having an affair with cares either

Buffy01 · Sep 18, 2018, 05:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapman

She has apologized. She told me she didn’t want to hurt anyone but realizes that she has hurt me. But I don’t know—it feels hollow because she didn’t couple the apology with a commitment to stop contacting him.

I don't think she cares about anyone but herself. I still think that the meditation should be held accountable I still feel that the man she had an affair with should be held accountable as well.

Buffy01 · Sep 18, 2018, 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ReptileInYourHead

Mapman, could you fulfill her sexual needs?
If you cannot enjoy intimacy in that form then I would say the relationship cannot be mutually enjoyable.
She has put you in a tough spot, she says she doesn’t want to lose you while not willing to give up her needs (that part can be understood, we all have needs that we want met), which forces you to make the hard choice to break up your family or to stay in an unfair relationship.
Not cool. I can’t give advice because I truly don’t know what I would do, that’s not quite true, I would separate from her but it would cause me a great deal of grief.

Get a lawyer an fix it in away she has no choice but to I've up on the man she is having an affair with. I would start with filing harrassment for being near your home and contacting your family.

Buffy01 · Sep 18, 2018, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapman

I honestly don't know if I could enjoy it. My head doesn't really go to the dominance/humiliation place when it comes to sex.

Yesterday I mentioned to her (via text) that I need to know that I am the only person in her life, and that she would need to provide me with convincing evidence that that was the case. She addressed this with me this morning, indicating that she feels that she could have more than one love in her life, that that is a difference between me and her, but that would be something we should talk about in marital counseling. I told her that it's a stark difference, potentially an irreconcilable difference.

It sound like she plans to continue on with her affair.

Buffy01 · Sep 18, 2018, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous59898

I think if she is suggesting an open marriage then that is probably not what you originally first thought you were entering? Most people have 'exclusion of others' in their vows.

It sounds like you are finding out quite a few things it would have been better to know 20 yrs ago.

It sound like she doesn't really care about your feeling or what she has done to we kids.

Mapman · Sep 18, 2018, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I don't think she cares about anyone but herself. I still think that the meditation should be held accountable I still feel that the man she had an affair with should be held accountable as well.

The meditation is really self-guided and individualistic--they don't provide any support other than providing a place and some parameters for behavior and the assumption that you are there with good intentions. She took a feeling she got during meditation and ran with it herself... the bad intentions and actions were all her. I actually don't blame the meditation at all. She used it merely as an excuse.

And at this point almost a year later I think the accountability has taken its full course. She doesn't have a home anymore and she only sees her kids half of the week. All so that she could pursue a selfish sexual fantasy with a man who ended up not leaving his wife. The chickens really came home to roost for her. Now she has nobody.

Buffy01 · Sep 18, 2018, 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapman

That is indeed true, prefab. And as much as I want to chalk this up to something recent, there is that event that happened a few years after we were married. I appreciate your perspective.

I don't want to jump to conclusions before seeing what counseling reveals. I'm trying to keep an open mind so that staying together is a real option. But I still appreciate the opinions because it will give my fuzzy head some clearer ideas to address in counseling. I need some other brains to help me.

Ask the counselor to get her to spell it out what she is wanting? Then ask her how she wants her family to deal with the effects of her bad choices she made.

Mapman · Sep 18, 2018, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffy01

Ask the counselor to get her to spell it out what she is wanting? Then ask her how she wants her family to deal with the effects of her bad choices she made.

Buffy, I appreciate your responses. Months ago when I wrote those posts I could have used that advice! It's almost a year on now, and we have been divorced for several months. I got the house and most of the custody of the kids in the divorce, and she is relegated to paying too much rent for a small apartment and the man she "loved" decided to stay with his wife. My relationship with her is completely over, and I'm doing well now. We have both moved on.

Purple,Violet,Blue · Sep 19, 2018, 05:28 AM

It's great to hear you're doing so well, mapman.

Sep 19, 2018, 05:52 AM

Yes, I remember this thread, mapman, and am glad that you're doing well. Karma did come back to bite your ex wife. I hate to say it, but she got what she deserved, I feel.

Mapman · Sep 19, 2018, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Yes, I remember this thread, mapman, and am glad that you're doing well. Karma did come back to bite your ex wife. I hate to say it, but she got what she deserved, I feel.

Couldn't agree more, golden_eve! A big part of my recovery from this trauma was the support I got from so many people, including you and others here on this forum. Thank you all so much!

Sep 19, 2018, 10:31 AM

I’m so terribly sorry. I read the entire story you posted and my heart goes out to you... in total compassion as someone who has been through a betrayal like this.

My opinion is.... Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. In my situation, I chose to leave due to my ex’s cheating and I’m so glad I did. My ex’s current wife has contacted me through social media to complain my ex is cheating on her. I expected he would do the same to her that he did to me.

Why does your ex not want to “lose” you? Is she worried about making it financially on her own? I work with someone who is known to regularly have affairs but won’t leave her husband because then she would have to financially take care of herself and she can’t afford to do it. I think her behavior is despicable... even more ridiculous is that all her personal problems affect her work and we have to deal with that. All of us at work had no sympathy when we learned the husband has found someone else and wants to leave her. She had a breakdown over that, once again it was unprofessionally aired at work... And all because she doesn’t want to stop cheating but she can’t afford to pay her own bills. Anyway, we stay out of her drama but secretly we hope her husband leaves her.

You are right to protect your emotional and mental health... financially you must also protect yourself.

I wish you all the best. There are good people out there but unfortunately there are a lot of selfish people who commit wretched acts of betrayal to the people they supposedly love the most. I hope you encounter more of the good people out there from now on.

Buffy01 · Sep 19, 2018, 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

I'm very sorry, Mapman.

It sounds like she's messing with your head a bit.

She's trying to have her cake and eat it, in my opinion, but at the expense of your feelings.

Stay clear about what's happening here; she has to make a decision. Don't let her put it onto you, or wrack your brains trying to think of a solution, or contort yourself into impossible positions.

Best wishes.

I completely agree! I think she playing you!

Buffy01 · Sep 19, 2018, 07:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapman

Couldn't agree more, golden_eve! A big part of my recovery from this trauma was the support I got from so many people, including you and others here on this forum. Thank you all so much!

I agree about the karma. I glad we could.all be there for you.

Buffy01 · Sep 19, 2018, 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I’m so terribly sorry. I read the entire story you posted and my heart goes out to you... in total compassion as someone who has been through a betrayal like this.

My opinion is.... Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. In my situation, I chose to leave due to my ex’s cheating and I’m so glad I did. My ex’s current wife has contacted me through social media to complain my ex is cheating on her. I expected he would do the same to her that he did to me.

Why does your ex not want to “lose” you? Is she worried about making it financially on her own? I work with someone who is known to regularly have affairs but won’t leave her husband because then she would have to financially take care of herself and she can’t afford to do it. I think her behavior is despicable... even more ridiculous is that all her personal problems affect her work and we have to deal with that. All of us at work had no sympathy when we learned the husband has found someone else and wants to leave her. She had a breakdown over that, once again it was unprofessionally aired at work... And all because she doesn’t want to stop cheating but she can’t afford to pay her own bills. Anyway, we stay out of her drama but secretly we hope her husband leaves her.

You are right to protect your emotional and mental health... financially you must also protect yourself.

I wish you all the best. There are good people out there but unfortunately there are a lot of selfish people who commit wretched acts of betrayal to the people they supposedly love the most. I hope you encounter more of the good people out there from now on.

That great advice!

Buffy01 · Sep 19, 2018, 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapman

Open Eyes, I'll be honest--it's been years. Early on in our relationship she set a tone sexually that was pretty...disinterested. So I adjusted to her desires because she seemed to want it less than I and I got tired of getting turned down. I thought of the sex as just one component of the relationship and not the entire thing. So I fulfilled my needs in other ways without involving other people if you get my drift. It just seems like we settled into a groove that wasn't particularly exciting, but that was because that's what we both wanted.

But now as I think back to those earlier years I wonder if she was getting her needs fulfilled elsewhere and that's why she was disinterested.

It possible!

Buffy01 · Sep 19, 2018, 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapman

Thanks Purple. It's interesting, there's a part of me that is continuing to try to minimize the whole thing--like make myself feel like it's not that big of a deal and I should get over it. That minimizing voice usually prevails, but this time my emotions, which I normally keep pretty well in check, are saying otherwise. For the first time in a long time I'm paying attention to my emotions.

And I've also been very aware that the decision is hers. I've even told her that she would need to commit to changes before I even think about what would be best for me.

It good to put up boundaries!

Buffy01 · Sep 19, 2018, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ReptileInYourHead

Open eyes, you have a point but it may be a bit late, wooing someone who has betrayed you is not an easy thing to convince the ego to do.
She lied to her husband and your solution is for him to shower her with attention and affections?
Unrealistic, not impossible but definitely unrealistic.

I agree! I still think she is using him!

Buffy01 · Sep 19, 2018, 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

It's such a shock to your system. You're probably going through some denial (with her encouragement).

I really feel for you. I've been in this position, as I'm sure many of us have.

I didn't even contemplate not-minding the betrayal, to be honest.

My brother mistress had stalk me. I have too sister who has multiple affairs and has stalk the wives but will never admitted it.

Buffy01 · Sep 19, 2018, 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapman

It's hard to peg my wife as being manipulative, because I've never seen her that way. But she as always been this strange (in my mind) combination of wanting somebody to make small decisions for her, but always doing what she wanted when it came to her own self-fulfillment. So selfish is probably how I would describe her.

Example of wanting somebody else to make decisions: picking a restaurant to eat dinner at.

Example of pursuing her own fulfillment seemingly without regard to others: the first time she went away for the 10-day meditation retreat, our son was maybe 2 years old. I remember feeling like it's not very much of a "mommy" thing to do, but also wanting to be supportive of her spiritual journey.

As I think back on 20 years my feeling is that the family has been here when she wanted that, and she did her own thing otherwise.

Sometimes when I would go out with friends by myself, I'd return home and she would immediately tell me everything that went wrong while I was gone. It would come across as "filling me in", but what it really communicated to me was "this is what happens when you leave."

She is an only child, by the way.

It feels really good to get this out. She's not a monster by any stretch, but she does ALWAYS come first.

I think the meditation is just an excuse!

Buffy01 · Sep 19, 2018, 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

No, I wouldn't suggest she is a monster. I think you've found the right word.

With her spiritual development, she has possibly been taking the high ground? But if she tries to do that, remember that in spite of her highly-evolved state, she hasn't done what most decent people would force themselves to do; be honest with their partner.

I agree!

Buffy01 · Sep 19, 2018, 08:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapman

Purple, she does think that she's hit on something with this meditation practice and that everyone can benefit from it. She's suggested it to me several times (for me to do) and I think she's been disappointed that I'm not interested. And based on some of the emails I read, she's been encouraging the other guy to fly out here and go do it too, so I think he has indicated more interest in it than I. Inviting him is a big red flag for me, isn't it?

So that's at least a part of this issue. You hear stories about couples in which one spouse gets saved and embraces Jesus and the other doesn't, or half of a couple turns to orthodox Judaism and their paths start to diverge. Doesn't really explain the affair though. As prefab suggested on the first page, I think the meditation is just an excuse and the goal is that she really wants to get her rocks off, and I just ain't doing it for her anymore.

I agree!

Buffy01 · Sep 19, 2018, 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ReptileInYourHead

I’m getting pretty angry with your wife map, I don’t think I have anymore to add to this convo, nothing constructive anyways.
I will keep reading though, and know that you have my sympathies, this is a real moral quagmire.

I agree!

Buffy01 · Sep 19, 2018, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapman

Buffy, I appreciate your responses. Months ago when I wrote those posts I could have used that advice! It's almost a year on now, and we have been divorced for several months. I got the house and most of the custody of the kids in the divorce, and she is relegated to paying too much rent for a small apartment and the man she "loved" decided to stay with his wife. My relationship with her is completely over, and I'm doing well now. We have both moved on.

I'm glad! I'm glad I could help you. Sound like karma but her in the butt

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Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

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