Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

s4ndm4n2006 · Nov 27, 2017, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapman

I know it's not going to change. She's always put herself above our relationship and our family and I was always right there to compensate for it.

There's just no good, positive answer here. Just a lesser of two evils (break up). I'm glad the kids are 14 and 17 as opposed to 4 and 7.

yeah me too... best that they are almost grown up, they will handle it all better. Still sorry that it is something that you're only finding out after likely going on so many years.

divine1966 · Nov 27, 2017, 09:02 PM

I have no respect for people who take advantage of comfort of marriage while screwing someone else on a side. No morals and no common decency. You are better off

Open Eyes · Nov 28, 2017, 12:59 PM

It sounds like you have gotten to a point where you can recognize your wife's selfishness and how she is not considering your feelings but is only considering her own needs. It's better to let go of her and find someone who can actually consider your needs and feelings and develop an appreciation for you instead of you continuing along with just existing based on your wife's needs coming first all the time.

Mapman · Nov 28, 2017, 02:52 PM

I've said this before but it bears repeating: This community here is really great. I appreciate the responses from all of you. My behavior has been so schizophrenic these last 3 weeks, but you guys have provided something solid for me to hold on to and I thank you all for that.

Purple,Violet,Blue · Nov 28, 2017, 03:18 PM

I'm fairly new here still myself, but I've also been blown away by the kindness, common sense and lack of egos amongst the community. Hope you stick around and make friendships here, as I have been lucky enough to do.

And everyone is so honest!

Very best wishes. You deserve some happiness!

Nov 29, 2017, 01:41 PM

I'm going to be unpopular here, but I was the cheating wife. My circumstances are different as my mental illness played into my decisions. However I handled things very different. I actually told my husband what was going on. He gave me conditions on which we could move forward including no contact with the person, councelling , taking my meds responsibly and complete transparency in everything I do. This was just in September. My husband still monitors my emails, Facebook and phone. I'm okay with that. I believe that when you betray someone you do everything you can to fix it. He is getting my 100% effort and we are doing really well. When you have a party that doesn't want to make the effort, repair isn't possible.

Mapman · Nov 29, 2017, 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

I'm going to be unpopular here, but I was the cheating wife. My circumstances are different as my mental illness played into my decisions. However I handled things very different. I actually told my husband what was going on. He gave me conditions on which we could move forward including no contact with the person, councelling , taking my meds responsibly and complete transparency in everything I do. This was just in September. My husband still monitors my emails, Facebook and phone. I'm okay with that. I believe that when you betray someone you do everything you can to fix it. He is getting my 100% effort and we are doing really well. When you have a party that doesn't want to make the effort, repair isn't possible.

I wish my wife made the concessions you did to your husband. No contact, counseling, transparency, and your commitment to turn your situation around. You handled it exactly the way it should be handled, SadGirl.

Mapman · Dec 08, 2017, 11:11 AM

I've passed the one-month mark since I found out that my wife has been cheating on me. It has not gotten any easier. She is moving out over the next couple of days, and I'm hoping that her being gone will provide me with the space and time I will need to really start to heal.

I've been thinking about a couple of actions that I want to take, and I'd like to know what any of you think about these.

First, I've been wondering what to tell the kids if they ask me why Mom and I are splitting up. The kids are 17 and 14, so I think they are old enough and mature enough to hear something that's not completely sugar coated, but still has a dusting of sugar to it. Here's what I'd like to say, "We are splitting up because Mom loves another man and decided that she wanted to be with him more than she wanted to be with me. This doesn't diminish her love for you, she still loves you very much."

The other action I would like to take has to do with his wife, who I don't believe knows about the affair. It bothers me that she may be as clueless about what is going on between them as I was. I told my wife this morning that I am going to get the wife's contact information and tell her on January 15th (about a month from now). I told my wife that she should tell him that I'm planning to do that. That would give him the opportunity to come clean. I chose January 15th because it is after the holidays and just before the planned in-person meeting that my wife and him have set up in February (their affair has been entirely email/phone and in February they will meet in person). The other reason is that he and his wife are planning to move back to my state, and I don't think it would be fair to her to make a cross-country move with a husband who may leave her right after the move. Of course, I don't really know anything about the dude's relationship with his wife or how much she knows, or if she would be perfectly OK with him hooking up with my (soon to be ex-) wife while they remain married. But the thought that I know something that could cause someone such great heartache is difficult for me to live with. Honestly, it's mostly that, but also not wanting to be a party to making things more comfortable or easy for my wife and the dude.

So, psychcentral folks, am I insane to think about taking these actions? Are there pitfalls that I haven't considered? I'll admit that my motivations aren't entirely unselfish, but I've been hurt badly and it bothers me that she doesn't seem to be internalizing any of the pain that she has caused my family.

Mapman · Dec 08, 2017, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I personally suspect the meditation is an excuse. She chose to have an affair. Has she apologised for the hurt she caused you?

'Working through it' seems like an excuse to keep on as before to me. Sorry but her reactions sound like she doesn't care about your feelings.

The counseling should hopefully help you work out what you both want.

Sorry I can't be more encouraging.

One more thought. prefabsprout responded to my original post with this post, and I just wanted to say that you were spot on. The prize goes to prefab! The meditation has been an excuse all along. I got her to admit to me yesterday that she doesn't love me and has no sexual attraction to me, and that it has been that way for a while--maybe years. And she does have those things with this other guy, which is why she's been pursuing this with him for the past year.

That admission was the turning point for me... That any speck of hope that I had for a reconciliation is futile.

Dec 08, 2017, 11:18 AM

Hi Mapman,

My personal opinion is that his wife has every right to know. If I were her, I would want someone who is "in the know" to tell me. I also totally understand your sentiments and desire to not make this easy for your wife. I would feel the same exact way. She has done wrong by you.... why should she skate away easily and unscathed from this? But more than that, his wife should know, and if it comes from you, so be it.

I think what you plan on saying to your children is perfect. Yes, they are old enough to hear this.

I am sorry that things haven't gotten easier, but under the circumstances, I can't imagine they would be this soon. It's going to take time to heal.... unfortunately. But yes, once she moves out, you can start the healing and recovery process. Most importantly, take care of YOU.

And yes, agreed. The meditation excuse is just that.. an excuse and total BS.

((((((((sending many hugs))))))))))

Purple,Violet,Blue · Dec 08, 2017, 11:51 AM

I agree with Eve. The kids are old enough. Truth is very important to all of us. With the unsettling changes going on, they will want to know that you'll be a rock for them, loving and truthful.

Would I be the bearer of bad news to his wife?

That's a tough one.

It's completely understandable. But the action might, in the long run, affect the purity of your own heart.

Another person's marriage isn't something you're in any way responsible for.

You can only control your own actions.

As I say, I see why you're tempted. I just feel it might leave a bad taste in your mouth. You have a nicer life waiting for you, and the sooner you get on with it, the better.

Best wishes.

Dec 08, 2017, 11:55 AM

Purple makes a good point about telling his wife. I hadn't thought of that. It IS a tough one.... I suppose you also have to think about your own conscience and whether you will feel right and good about it afterwards.

Mapman · Dec 08, 2017, 12:04 PM

It is a tough one. You are right, Purple, I can't let my desire to "get back" at them cloud my own healing. And that should be my focus moving forward is how I can heal myself and move on. I just emailed my therapist and put these questions on the agenda for my next appointment--he will help me navigate through that.

I appreciate your responses, golden_eve and Purple! Cooler heads should prevail.

Carmina · Dec 08, 2017, 12:09 PM

I think it depends on your intentions, don't do it from a desire to get back at them but from the standpoint that she does have a right to know, which she does. I would feel terrible for keeping her in the dark. The idea of letting them know and giving them plenty of time to get their own houses in order is a good one because then it doesn't place the onus on you, the ball is in their court.

Mapman · Dec 08, 2017, 12:20 PM

You're right--I think at this point, Carmina, it is about getting back at them. That's how raw I still am. But that doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing to do. Again, I'd be concerned that she would be moving 3,000 miles, possibly away from a support network and family, for a marriage that is basically kaput.

Once my wife moves out and I achieve greater sanity I will think this through. That's one reason that I decided not to do it until a month from now--to give myself a chance to change my mind.

Dec 08, 2017, 12:42 PM

I think that's a good idea. Give yourself more time and space. If it's more about getting back at them, you may have regrets.

I once told an ex's current wife that he had cheated on her with me just before they got married and while they were engaged. I was not made aware of his engagement and was completely in the dark. He led me to believe he was single. Then, he called me on his honeymoon, which I thought was a vacation with a friend of his, to tell me I was the love of his life. It was my good friend who called to tell me that he in fact, had just been married! I was SO glad she told me, or else he would have been able to carry on this lie, and who knows if I would have continued an affair without even knowing that he was married. After I found out about the marriage, I told his wife that we had slept together while they were engaged because I felt she had every right to know that her husband cheated on her. I don't have any regrets. She chose to stay with him and believed his lies that it did not happen. So be it. That was her choice, but at least I gave her the knowledge. They ended up not having a great marriage and he still called me years later to tell me he had never been closer to anyone except me. She was foolish but I was glad I told her.

Dec 08, 2017, 01:35 PM

After my affair my husband got ahold of my phone and got the other guys address. He wrote him a scathing letter and dropped it off. I thought it was harsh, but my husband said its what he needed to do. The other guy was married, but a long time seperated. My husband said he would have absolutely told the wife had they been together. He was hurt and needed release.

What's my point? Sometimes you have to take care of yourself first and that's okay. I don't think telling the wife because you are upset is a wrong reason. I think its okay for you to try to find peace too.

Purple,Violet,Blue · Dec 08, 2017, 02:44 PM

There's no right or wrong, as others have said. And I do believe you have the wife's well-being in mind. But she is someone you don't know. You also can't predict that giving her this news will lead to a good outcome.

I don't prescribe to any particular belief system, personally. But I have a copy of the Tao de Ching on my shelf, and I find it helpful to flick through in times of difficulty. It seems to have a cleansing effect, like poetry.

Also some of Buddha's prayers are lovely.

Here's one about forgiveness:

If I have harmed any one in any way,
either knowingly or unknowingly
through my own confusions,
I ask their forgiveness.
If any one has harmed me in any way,
either knowingly or unknowingly
through their own confusions,
I forgive them.
And if there is a situation
I am not yet ready to forgive,
I forgive myself for that.
For all the ways that I harm myself,
negate, doubt, belittle myself,
judge or be unkind to myself,
through my own confusions,
I forgive myself.

Buffy01 · Dec 08, 2017, 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapman

Hi all. First time poster here. I registered with psychcentral after reading several threads and finding the responses to be generally kind, supportive, and sympathetic to peoples' problems. I've seen some people challenging the original posters on how they are thinking, and I appreciate that as well. I'm not here for an echo chamber, just words of thought from all of you.

I found out that my wife of 20 years (we are in our early 50s) is carrying on a phone/email relationship with somebody she dated before we started dating. I found out four days ago because she got a new phone and her private email started being sent to my phone too. The emails were very sexual in nature, and peppered with a lot of "love" talk directed at him. It was devastating to say the least. The emails that I found dated back about 2 months. I decided to check his phone number against our cellphone bills and found that they have been communicating for almost 10 months, since early 2017.

I figured out who the guy was and through google searching determined that he lives all the way across the country, but used to live in my city and still owns a house here. He's married as well, and I know he has applied for a job here in my town, based on their email exchanges.

I needed to talk to somebody to figure out what to do--I was physically shaking and unable to think clearly. Just coincidentally (and fortunately), later that morning I had my regular Monday therapist appointment. I've been seeing my therapist for 3 1/2 years for a variety of issues from my childhood. I told him what I found, and he gave me the courage to confront her about it.

She did not deny anything. She met him in grad school in the early-mid 1990s. She said that she broke it off with him 20+ years ago when she decided to date me exclusively. She confirmed that they hadn't seen each other in person. She told me that this all started after she completed a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat which she has done every year for several years. Basically during that retreat she "realized" that she needed to pursue this relationship with this guy. It's something about some need that she has sexually (to be dominated) and she felt that he was the only person she could pursue this with. They've been talking several times a month for the last 10 months.

I want to tell you all the various feelings I've had since that conversation, but I don't want this to go on overly long. Suffice it to say I have never cried this much in my life. We've had few conversations over the last four days, but during one discussion yesterday she admitted to meeting him at a hotel about 2-3 years into our marriage, so that would have been 18 years ago. They had sex, and that was right after her first experience with Vipassana meditation. I had no idea about this encounter until yesterday.

So here are some of the most salient points that I really need some help with:

We have two kids--one in middle school and the other in high school.
She has told me that she doesn't want to lose me.
She has told me that she needs to work through this. She is not saying that she will stop, and even if she did I would not believe her because her meditation practice is such a huge part of her life.
I believe she has communicated with him since I found out.
I have informed her that I will not participate in sex or any talk having to do with loving each other until I can be certain that this affair is over. That I want to be the only love in her life and refuse to be a sucker.
She has more or less indicated that the fact that I do not practice Vipassana meditation is a hindrance--or at the very least not helpful--to our relationship. Not in a mean way or anything, just very matter-of-factly. More like we have different belief systems.

I asked her that how, in the universe of all the options for dealing with these sexual desires that she has (talking to me about them, marital counseling, etc.) how did she decide her best option was to betray me? Her answer was that she HAD to pay attention to what she was receiving in her Vipassana practice, and that she had tried other options to no avail. This was a clear obfuscation because she had never pursued discussing her desires with me, and we had never seen a counselor about it.

So there you have it. We will be setting up an appointment with a marital counselor in a couple of days, which I am completely open to. But I have to admit that I'm at a point where my goal here is to protect myself and my mental health, and I'm less concerned with saving the marriage. We had a good thing until four days ago and now it just feels shot.

Thanks to anyone who has read through all of this. I really appreciate any thoughts or suggestions folks might have.

p.s. I hope this doesn't come across as an indictment of Vipassana meditation. I do not blame the meditation practice for my wife's choices. Well, maybe I did for a second, but that was early on.

I would find out where this meditation located at. If she is actually during mediation I would find out what kind of damaged that I could do against the company. I would personally walk up to someone who work there and asked to see if you could stay anomously but you are concern for their safety because they have someone there who is involved in one of their meditation classes giving them your wife name and that she is involved with someone who could do harm and giving them that person name and you wouldn't say anything but you were just concern. I would have someone else like a lawyer informing them that they have enough evidence against the company that proves that their practice is damaged people marriaged and that the lawsuit will be drop if they agree to close the business down or they agree to make change informing their client that if they are caught having an affair they can not be here because it will cause financial harm against the company that will make the company go out of business.

I would have someone who knew what they were doing legally like a private investigator or a lawyer and the confront the man who is having an affair with your wife. Have thoughly explained that the life he had with your wife is over has been over for quite sometime? Have them explain to him that have evidence that prove that he had been stalking and harrassing you and your family and that there is a restraining order against him and that there is big fat lawsuit against him. One that will damagaed not only damaged his marriaged but financially ruin his life he would losed everything that he had and one way he would ever be able to get anything back, he would never be hired, he would lose his retirement. He would be so sorry that he his life would be ruined. I would go after everything he has and destroy it and by the time you were done he would have wished that he had never had an affair the thought never cross his mine. I would do the same thing to your wife and she would thought twice about having an affair. By the time you are done with them in court their lives would be destroy the would lose everything they had their home, the career, the retirement everything. I would seriously hired a private investigator and asked them to get enough evidence against him that can be use as means of harrassing you. I would enough evidence that prove that your wife could have cause something to happen to you and your family because she chose to have an affair that had ruin her kids life. They would have a shot of fighting this because this in court because the damaged was so bad that no one could help them.

Buffy01 · Dec 08, 2017, 04:25 PM

My brother affair ruin my life because his mistress had stalked me and tried to kill me on more than one occasion and got away with it. I lost the right to see my niece and nephew because of the divorce because my sister in law lied about sexual abuse to get the divorce free.

Mapman · Dec 08, 2017, 06:33 PM

My wife just told me that he told his wife. So she knows, and there's no burden on me, thankfully.

Next step: My wife moves out.

Following step: Healing through family, friends, and my therapist.

We have engaged a mediator to help us figure out how to divide our assets. Once that is complete, the next step will be to file for divorce. I've heard uncontested divorces in my state go very quickly--about 2 weeks from when you file.

I want to say that I will be happy when the divorce is finalized, but I feel like I'll be about as happy as I would be at a funeral for someone I loved who I thought would be around for a much longer time.

Mapman · Dec 08, 2017, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffy01

My brother affair ruin my life because his mistress had stalked me and tried to kill me on more than one occasion and got away with it. I lost the right to see my niece and nephew because of the divorce because my sister in law lied about sexual abuse to get the divorce free.

Buffy, sorry you had such a difficult time. I think for me it will just be a relief to be over all of this and not have to think about it any more. For me, the best "revenge" would be putting my life back together and living well.

Open Eyes · Dec 08, 2017, 06:48 PM

Try not to see this as a funeral so much. Try to embrace this leading to your finding someone you can actually be more intimate and happy with.

Purple,Violet,Blue · Dec 08, 2017, 06:48 PM

I'm relieved that you didn't have to do it!

There's that saying:
'Any act of revenge is a time-bomb thrown into the future.'

I heartily agree that moving on in as much good spirit as you can muster is the fastest route to happier times.

You do still have some sad times ahead. I'm very sorry about it.

But once you are no longer seeing her, you should start to experience some moments of steadiness and peace. And a lift in your self-esteem.

Mapman · Dec 08, 2017, 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Try not to see this as a funeral so much. Try to embrace this leading to your finding someone you can actually be more intimate and happy with.

It is like a passage to the next chapter of my life. A funeral is much more final. This is more of a gateway that will open after the divorce. Thanks for helping me think about that a different way, Open Eyes!

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