Full Speed Ahead

He did what I feared he did and now I have proof. All that time he let me ***** and moan while he lied to my face. He’s going to have to make good on it. And now I don’t feel like the bad guy.

I’m numb and in shock how he lied to my face and did what he wanted to anyway. Here I said my trust issues make me insecure and I had every reason to be. Trust your gut! Mine’s never been wrong.

Now I see the pattern of passive/aggressive disrespect and disregard. He undermined the whole marriage. I was emotionally freaked out because I felt the neglect and deception.

Watch out for the quiet ones!

I had to divorce him to make him come clean with his financial records. He is caught red handed. Then he grasped at straws trying to explain it with a ridiculous excuse.

I have never had a more awkward moment. And I’ve had plenty of those!

Yes, I was gaslighted and now I will call it abused by a narcissist. This was crazy!

Is it any wonder I have trust issues? This man lied to my face about his honesty and that I am paranoid not to trust him. Meanwhile, he was not trustworthy!!!

I am surprised. I really believed him. And yet, I think HE even believed his own BS because he looked surprised when caught. I am scratching my head searching for what happened... seriously, crazy

Tisha,

What did he do? Sorry I'm not up to speed. I believe you, but what did you catch him at?

Seesaw

Made money disappear

Anyone who knows me over the last few years on here has seen me be hysterical and bewildered over our intimacy issues. Well... My sister thinks he tormented and gaslighted me over these issues to keep me so upset and confused so that I didn’t nail him for how he was carrying on over money.

Am I disliked on PC? I think it’s strange that I got zero support on this thread. Oh well, I always soothe myself, anyway.

I do appreciate the one hug, though.

I must give kudos to my mom, who at least absorbed this when I told her and said she was sorry that I went through all that I did with this man.

I don't think you are disliked here. This thread has kinda gotten lost because it's in a subforum so the other relationship thread show up on the main view.

How did he make money disappear? I thought you managed the finances?

Well, as to the gaslighting, I had frankly thought that for a while, but you had kept defending that the marriage was good/he was good to you...well, sometimes you would get mad, but then you would flip flop back to wanting to stay. I am glad it's finally clear to you. At least you can be firm in wanting to move on. You deserve so much more than the scraps he has given you all these years. And the sexual/emotional trauma, time to get rid of that.

What's next now with the separation/divorce? How much did he make disappear? Did he steal it or spend it? Is it just hidden? Are you separated now or still living together?

I am glad you are no longer falling for this man's lies.

Seesaw

So sorry to hear this.

I know only too well the feeling your going crazy. Being vindicated is cold comfort I am sure, but it's something, you have proof. Not everyone gets that.

Wish you all the best from here on in, hope you're able to find resilience and good judgement. Pick your battles.

Take care.

Two days after this confrontation with him, he tells me that he didn’t do it, that I misunderstood. To say I am frustrated by trying to communicate with him is an understatement. Why wouldn’t he clarify that two days ago? Why did he let me think he was underhanded? I am as confused as ever, and still feel gaslighted!

It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m divorcing him and the lawyers will figure it out. I hope he is not guilty. I wish he would have communicated better. So unfortunate, how two nice people can’t get along.

Seesaw— Does it matter how much money he took? It was enough to break my trust forever, if he did it.

I know I flip/flop sometimes, and you have noticed that. In this case, I didn’t flip/flop, HE retracted his words and is gaslighting me again! He is either Machiavellian, or the stupidest man in the world!

I didn't ask how much, I asked how. As in did he empty an account or spend it on something or simply lie about it in the first place. Obviously the amount doesn't matter. I was curious as to the mode of deception. Please don't jump down my throat.

I was just asking questions to understand the situation. I wasn't asking to put you on the defensive, but rather understand so I can further validate you. I'll bow out.

If I am the one with the trouble communicating and being misunderstood that explains why I can’t get along with certain others. I didn’t get defensive or jump down any one’s throat. I wonder why my words were taken that way. It is SO HARD to tip toe so quietly...

My h said to me A”How did this all fall apart when All I ever had in my heart was love for you.” I do believe that, and yet I don’t. Did he have nothing but love in his heart when I was crying and overdosing and he gave me the cold shoulder? Did he have nothing but love when he refused to give me attention by initiating love making, which is what I told him I NEED from him?

Sorry for not seeing this....am in the middle of my own divorce battle & foreclosure issue on the house he has been financially irresponsible with.

You know what some guys call LOVE in their heart is NOT what we would call it. If he had love the marriage would have been an open book partnership. I can see that in the successful loving marriages & the others where basically they are just coexisting even if there are sometimes signs of connection in a more loving way.

I think when we have lived in a marriage & pribably even our growing up family where communication has been dysfunctional it rubs iff on us & yes, we do sometimes have difficulty being understood because we have never learned how mire functilnal people communicate & understand each other....

BUT.....we do our best & most times from my own personal experience when we are out of the dysfunction it opens out minds & abilities to learn & experience what we hadn't all our lives.
However, I am noticing right now while I am having to micro focus on getting all this legal stuff in order for my lawyer & basically isolating myself due to time constraints that I have to be overly careful about what I say & how I say it because for me, frustration always brings out the worst in my communication ability.

(((Tish)))

Eskie— yes, the paper work, me too! This is taking great strength against so much opposition and stress!

Yep, opposition in subtle ways. I have no contact with him bit the things he tells those I communicate with are legally incorrect but he is either SURE if his lies or he is wanting me to believe them so I won't pursue going after whatever comes from either the foreclosure sale or the sale if my lawyer can force it before the foreclosure sale around end if July.

Everyone including my lawyer says he is full of BS, but he seems to be arrogantly sure of himself. I have always hated dealing with him....it us just bringing back up BAD memories of past experiences.

I am sure you may feel the same....can't wait till this is ALL over with.

I recently learned something about a foreclosure because my friend had one. When it sold at government auction, the mortgage company only took the principal they were owed and my friend got to keep the rest of the money the new buyer paid. She got 30k that she didn’t know she was getting!

Exactly....

If my lawyer can have him evicted & force the sale it can sell for more. If not my lawyer has to force whatever money comes out of the house into a trust account until the marriage assets are divided by the court. When a house sells the money goes to the person on the deed.....the quit claim took my name off the deed while I was still left on the loan to hurt my credit. Only way he could have changed that was to have actually refinanced not just modify the loan like he did with thevfirst foreclosure in 2013. My H will not communicate with about anything & he believes because I was forced to sign a quit claim when he did the loan modification on the previous foreclosure....he thinks I gave him the house. I would have if I had agreed to the divorce earlier.....but decided to wait until the house went up in value....he has a awakening waiting him in the future no matter which way ut goes. Also because he didn't respond to my divorce petition the end if last year he has cost me more in huge legal fees to protect my rights so my lawyer is going for reimbursement of my costs out if anything he might get from the house. I'm not going to give up money for things either because the cost of moving things 2100 miles away is not cheap & I'm never going to move back there.

Divorce can end up nasty even when it wasn't the original intention.

I’m scared to move forward. I keep doing the same thing I did when we were together; missing him, imagining we’d be good together, believing he is the person I want him to be. I could still take him back. He doesn’t want this divorce. But it has come so far, he even screwed me over money and it’s too ugly to repair. I’ll surely get triggered and blow up at him instantly if we got back. I wish there was a way to fix it. I’m so torn. This is so hard.

The bottom line is usually that we want them fixed so we stop reacting to them the way we do. Problem is that we can't make anyone change & it us hard to come to that realization. I kept hoping my H would "get it" or that my "leaving" would shake him into realizing he had to make needed changes. In my case I realized later that he is mentally incapable of changing....so that actually meant.....accept what bothered me all those years or leave. When I could leave....that was the best choice I ever could have made but in my case I didn't miss him in the least & actually felt a peace I had never experienced before in my life which reinforced my understanding that there was nor had there ever been an emotional connection.

It is more difficult when an emotiknal connection exists. you know your reactikns & why. That is important to keep in mind when you question yourself

I’m going through the motions. My friend said to give those feelings 24 hours then see if you still want him back. I am moving forward still toward divorce. I think it’s too far in to turn back. It would just be more back/forth.

We got in a habit of going back/forth so much, it’s hard to stop.

It’s like an addiction that must be resisted.