Husband, affair and the future

H is turning 50 soon and is having an emotional affair which has got pretty serious. I discovered this 3 months ago. He moved out 6 months ago, and lives in a rented room - sometimes the other woman spends time (including nights) there with him. Up to now he has been known among family and friends as being a man of integrity and wisdom, committed to the family.

He is in huge turmoil and a depression, likely has a massive midlife crisis, can’t decide what he wants to do. Says he’s in love with the other woman (his friends tell me his eyes light up when he talks about her), but then, and here’s where I’m struggling, he says that it may seem crazy but when he thinks of his retirement he sees it with me and the children next to him. Previously he has told me when I asked him pointedly that in an ideal world without egoism he would want me to wait for him but that he has no right to expect it. He says he hates himself for what he’s doing, and that it’s like looking at himself in a film.

Our 20-year-old marriage was solid - based on a solid friendship (perhaps too much). We were soulmates who stopped talking about things of the heart and the bed, and devoted our attention to the children.

Tomorrow he’s finally going to a therapist (one specialising in infidelity) and I’m going to a lawyer. He has asked me to if I can wait until he sorts himself out.

Any one with experience in this type pf situation and insight into what’s happening and likely to happen next? In feel like I am in a chess game.

hey @Strength01
I do not have experience with this so I am going to give an outsiders straight shooter view. Go see that lawyer. He made a choice no matter if its temporary or a midlife crisis- it was a choice.

I'd say the final decision is up to you. I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're going through ALL OF THIS and that you're struggling and hurting SO MUCH, I TRULY AM! Yes, definitely contact your lawyer and see what you can do as the wise and wonderful sarahsweets has already wisely and wonderfully said BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! I'd say it's your choice whether or not you want to wait for him and see if he's able to sort things out or if you want to just file a divorce. In either case, please think about what will make YOU happy as well - and of course think of the children as well! I'd say that children can ba affected A LOT by an unhappy marriage. They can feel it. So please, make your decisions carefully. You may also want to consider couple counselling if you feel like that would improve things for BOTH you and your Husband. Give it a thought! Perhaps even individual therapy for yourself wouldn't be a bad idea either! Anything that will help you get through ALL of this and that will help you to Live a Better Life! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need advice and support or even simply someone to talk to or vent to! I am SURE plenty of others will also ALTRUISTICALLY, BEAUTIFULLY, MARVELLOUSLY, GENEROUSLY GLADLY, KINDLY, WISELY and WONDERFULLY help you out as well! Sending Many Safe, Warm Hugs To BOTH You, @Strength01, Your Family, Your Friends, Your Husband, Your Children, ALL of the people You Love Who ALSO Love You And Accept You For WHO YOU TRULY ARE And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting and struggling SO BADLY and that you're going through ALL OF THIS, I TRULY AM! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND PLEASE DO KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY BEAUTIFULLY, MARVELLOUSLYWISELY AND WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND PLEASE DO KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY BEAUTIFULLY, MARVELLOUSLY, WISELY AND WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING, MY AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL, WARM, WISE, KIND, SWEET, THOUGHTFUL, INTELLIGENT, SMART, RESOURCEFUL, EXPANSIVE, FRIENDLY, CARING, DEAR, AWESOME AND WONDERFUL FRIEND!

I am sorry Strength01, but your husband already made the decision to NOT honor his marriage to you. He already CHOSE to hurt you and be "selfish" too. And what makes this worse is he is pitying HIMSELF for this instead of CARING about how YOU feel and RESPECTING YOU. He is not respecting YOU with these self pittying statements he is saying to you, HE IS DUMPING HIS GUILT ON YOU. Tell me, is that respecting YOU? The answer to that question is a resounding NO.

And when he sits there and whines about the guilt he feels about being with this other woman he isn't even respecting HER either. NO, instead it's ALL ABOUT HIM.

You have no say in any of this either, he already made all these choices for you without even CARING about how you feel. He is the one that RUINED your relationship and your TRUST that he was able to respect YOU.

He already knows what he chose to do was wrong but he did it all anyway.

I am sorry for you because he is NOT the man you thought he was, he never respected you the way you thought he did and he is continuing to show you that all he cares about is in fact HIMSELF.

Welcome to Psych Central, Strength01. I don't think there is anything of a personal nature I can offer with regard to the situation you're facing. However I thought I would give you a link to a blog, here on PC, on the subject of infidelity. I think you may find some of the articles in this blog to be of help:

Surviving Infidelity | A blog about moving on from infidelity in your relationship

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I think it is wise to see an attorney; if you decide it is necessary to get a divorce, you will have the information you need beforehand. As for him "sorting" himself out;...there is no way to know how long that could take. Don't allow him to make a life decision about your life..... I don't know (if it were me) how long I would give him, but not long. He has already made a decision that affects your life deeply; sounds as if he wants his "cake" and to eat it also?

I feel very sad for you I am also going through something similar although my husband and I are in our mid 30's. My hisband and I have been together 20 years, married 12 we have 2 children. We also were friends forever and sort of neglected our marriage and relationship when we had children which led to arguments and stress and just a growing apart in general. Recently in July he asked for a separation. He said he needed space and time to think about our marriage and to get away from the arguments. I begged, pleaded, cried because I NEVER thought this would happen to us. Then I decided, ok a break, it might help us. Then in October of 2019 on our first family trip to Disneyland I found out he had been having an affair with a woman (also married) for 2 years behind my back. I HAD NO IDEA! She lives 9 hrs away from us and he basically has told me he feels for her like he never has for me. Their relationship is through texts and an occasional meetup every 3-6 mo. I was furious, my husband and I have never had trust issues so this was a complete smack in the face for me. Its been almost 3 months since i found out about the affair, which he is still having, and I am at a loss for what to do. So I feel for you, I hope you can get the help you need. But I understand how hard it is. Although my husband is only 38. I also believe this is some sort of midlife crisis and he is just excited about the newness and fantasy of someone new instead of the same old me. It does hurt a lot

yes. i'm in the same boat. even worse