[fireflyuk]

30 years and left my wife

After 30 yrs of marriage I finally left my wife.
The last 10 yrs have been very difficult due to her severe menopause .
anyway things started looking but only for me to find out about her Emotional affair with lots of graphic photos sent both ways, they were planning a hook up at his house when I was away for a week all planned out, but for some reason he called it off.
my wife was quite devastated by this and sent him lots of grovelling texts.
I found out and threatened her with divorce but we both decided to have counselling to fix the marriage.
anyway fast forward a year and I have just recently found out that the texting has been going on again for the past 6 months.
I left her 3 weeks ago and she is on the way to a mental breakdown begging me to come back and saying she cannot go on with her life as its so empty and she may as well kill herself.
I cannot get away from her as we are both instrumental in a very successful family business where I have to interact with her daily.
my biggest problem is I have already given her hope that I will move back home just so she can get out of this manic depression she is in.
I really really do not want to go back, my life vis so much better now and I would rather we go our separate ways, but what can one do with a wife who is the mother to my wonderful adult sons and I really just want this to be easy on her, even after what she has done.

any advice accepted

[Bethanyrose]

This is awful. I feel for you, as I am also in a broken marriage. I would say to get away from her. Is there any way to get out of the business? It may be worth it.

[sarahsweets]

If you feel she may harm herself you have to call the police. You cant stop her but you have to take her seriously.

[fireflyuk]

I have let her family know about the suicide threats.
She probably won’t do it.
I wish there was a way I could make this easier on her, I hate to see her in so much pain

[NewSue]

I wish I could make our divorce easier on my husband, too. I don't want to hurt him and I want him to be happy but I just can't stay with him anymore. I feel guilty about leaving him even though I'm so miserable being married and I just want to get out of our relationship and be alone.

I feel guilty and worried about my soon-to-be ex too. I don't know what the answer is for that, but I feel some of the same things you do about needing to divorce and feeling bad about it at the same time.

[oingoboingo2]

I so related to your post, NewSue. I feel exactly the same in my marriage and guilty as I'm the one who wants out. It's very hard! Hang in there and know there are others who totally get what you're going through.

[NewSue]

Aww, thanks for the hug! I needed that!

Do you think it's right to feel guilty about wanting out? I was raised Catholic so guilt is kind of a reflex for me. I feel guilty that I feel bad about the way he treats me. I'm not sure that's right. Like he would tell me he wanted me to lose weight and he would criticize what I ate (like saying "Are you going to eat all that?" when I was sitting down to eat an egg-white omelet). I weigh the same as I weighed when we got married 14 years ago, about 135 and I'm 5'5". So I don't even really think I'm fat. But when we went to couples' counseling our therapist was telling me I should stop him saying things like that and just ignore it and he's just saying those kinds of things because he's anxious. So I kind of feel like it's wrong to feel bad. But then I feel bad about my body and what I eat, and then I feel bad because I'm not handling my marriage right or something. So overall I just want to get away and live by myself where I could eat whatever I feel like and not have to feel bad anymore. I was pretty happy being single and I thought I would be even happier being married, but I'm really unhappy these days. My husband doesn't want to get divorced, but I feel so small and crushed in our relationship and I feel this burst of hope when I think about moving out and getting away.

+1 for OingoBoingo! I always feel better after listening to Try to Believe! Or even Why'd We Come:

Everyone says we've come such a long, long way
We're civilized, isn't that nice?
We've gotten so smart
We know how to blow the whole world apart
But when it comes to the simple things
(like living together) . . . ha!