She had an affair?!?!

It was the night before Thanksgiving last year (2019) that my world came crashing down. 24 years and 4 children together. We had met and been together since high school. We had been each other’s first and only everything. Yes we had many issues over the years, but we were good Christian people. We don’t believe in divorce and certainly not affairs or the like. I had a spinal injury a few years earlier and had been struggling to learn to walk again. When her affair went into full physical mode I was again in the hospital and in a coma from another medical issue. So much to my story, but how could she do this? When I said “I do”, I meant it for life. I myself passed on a number of chances to step out on my marriage. I never would do that. I told myself I would give it a year after she wanted to reconcile to see if I could get past it. That year is up next month. Do I love her? Yes. Am I happy? Not even close. We have almost no intimacy because it makes me sick every time I think about where she’s been let alone to try and get it going. All I ever have wanted was one wife and to be the great dad I never had in my life. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I also don’t want to be with a woman who betrayed me in a way I could never do to anyone. I am lost and just want a faithful, loving wife...

Hello AZ Dad: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. The Coping with Emotions forum, here on PC, may also be of interest to you. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/coping-with-emotions/

And then here are links to 3 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of healing from infidelity plus a link to Abe Kass's blog: "Surviving Infidelity":

How to Heal from Infidelity

Getting Over the Hurt of an Affair

Women and Men React Differently to Infidelity

Surviving Infidelity | A blog about moving on from infidelity in your relationship

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Thanks for the info, I will read through it. I’ve been reading tons of stuff this past year, but more couldn’t hurt.

Thank you for sharing!
I could only imagine how much strength it took to even write this.
It's hard switching to making a selfish decision; however, I hope that you make the decision that is right for you.
And you don't look back after whatever decision that you make.
Stay strong and sending well wishes!

Thinking of you. My husband cheated too. I thought we were forever, and he left. Me and 8 kids. 23 years together, 6 more married but separated. Now I’m divorcing him. He abandoned us. It’s for the best that I make it final, even if I never love again. (I don’t believe in second marriage, even after divorce) allow yourself all the grief- sometimes life sucks. There is always hope, always healing.

I am sorry you too have to go through this. I have always been against second marriages too. I said I do and I meant it. 29 years and 8 kids is a lot to work through. I pray you are comforted and given wisdom in these matters.

have you tried couple's counseling?

11 months of it yes.

Hi AZ Dad

I read your post a bit ago, buy haven't felt like I could write a response until now. My husband of 23 years 33 years together since high school, just gave me the details of a 8 month affair he's been having. It only came to light because I confronted him about being distant over a week ago . He's moved out and we have 2 teenagers. I understand how you are feeling. Its like a bomb has gone off and blown up my life. He's happy and I'm miserable and confused.

Its completely unfair what your spouse and mine have done to us. I'm still in the throws of this. Maybe we can help each other in just being a sounding board for when things get too real .

Just wanted to let know now I completely sympathize with your situation. You said you've been in therapy for some time. Has it helped? I start this week, and I'm curious what its been like for you.

Thinking of you at this time and hope you are doing well

Julielynn1990

AZ DAD - We need to connect. I'm two weeks into the worst hell of my life. My wife has been having an affair for over two years with her boss who is a convicted child molester and obvious predator. I'm so filled with rage and hurt its overwhelming. The gas-lighting, the lies, the deceit. So many layers, so messy. 7 kids, blended family. Turns out she's a clinical "sex-addict" resulting from her sexual abuse as a child and she starts an outpatient rehab program this week. Great for her, glad she's getting some help. Now she has her "excuse". Its a reason not a justification. While I'm sitting here, sick and broken. Cant eat, cant sleep.

Surprise, AZ

I am so sorry you too are experiencing this. Devasting doesn’t seem like a good enough word to describe it. I can speak for myself when I say that it has messed me up so badly I have had moments of almost committing suicide. My kids and faith is what stopped me.

The counseling helped a little, but that could also just be that time has allowed reality to set in and it isn’t as fresh a wound.?.?

I pray you are comforted and can begin to heal from this.

That is certainly a heck of a situation. Keeping those kids safe is priority number one I know you’d agree. It has taken everything within me to stop myself from committing a felony against the other party myself, I can imagine how much more you feel that way as to protect your children! There is no excuse or justification for your wife. That doesn’t mean you can’t try to fix it if possible, but it’s a crazy long road I can tell you, and it doesn’t always work even if you try your hardest.

If your wife is truly sorry, forgive her. Your marriage can survive this. I know couples whose marriages survived infidelity. These couples went on to have marriages that were strong again. You can too, if your wife is sincerely remorseful. You didn't marry a saint or an angel. Your wife is human. Your illness has been hard for her to cope with. She strayed. But she came back. If she says now that she truly loves you, can you believe her? If she is wanting to love you again, let her. She may end up being a better wife to you than if the infidelity had never occurred. Don't cheat yourself of that.

It says in the bible that "one who is forgiven much loves much." Read Luke 7:36 - 7:50. It is called "the parable of the two debtors." Seriously. Read this and pray on it. I offer this to you because you say you are a good Christian. If your wife still loves you, don't throw away 24 years and family unity over one sin, even though it was a serious sin.

I hope the two of you can work things out. Live in the present. Let go of what is over, if it is truly over. Don't keep feeding mental energy into what is past. Stop comparing yourself to your wife. You have never been in her exact circumstances. None of us know what we would do in the face of stresses and temptation that we have not been subjected to. Stop telling yourself how much better than her you are. You both have something to learn about real love. Read 1 Corinthians 13. Love can forgive all.

With all due respect, I wouldn’t forgive cheating. You’ll always be wondering if they’re doing it again and it will eat away at you - I bet this is something many people who “forgave” their cheating spouse are actually feeling but have learned to hide it well from others. Maybe not every single betrayed spouse, but I’d be willing to bet a lot of money on the vast majority of these marriages never being as happy as they were before.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you, though. I’ve never been married but I was cheated on once, it hurt like hell (and he tried to blame me for thinking we were a couple - he was the one to ask me out and do much of the “chasing”! It’s amazing what some people will do to stoke their own egos).
I think this blog would be another helpful resource for you: ChumpLady.com - Leave a cheater, gain a life
Good luck in your journey!

I am very sorry AZ!! It's extremely traumatic when we go along for years thinking we know another person and can love and trust that person and are suddenly exposed to an entire different side to the person we never knew existed.

I can see you have a lot of anger and at times rage which is more outrage about the entire situation itself. I have experienced that with my older sister and the more that was revealed the worse the reality really was. Sometimes this new side you did not know existed is simply something you cannot ignore and even if you want to figure out how to save that good side that you loved and trusted, the bad is just so awful that the only choice is to walk away completely. Yet, there is also a deep grieving like an actual death to the person that existed in your mind that you thought was safe to love.

I know for myself I assumed that I would have an older sister friendship relationship that would continue after my parent's passed away, instead I ended up experiencing a side of my sister that was so horrible that it deeply traumatized me repeatedly.

I believe you when you say that you wanted to have a relationship and family you had not had yourself. I believe you thought that's what you had too. I honestly can't blame you for how hard this reality has hit you. Who could know something like this?? It would shock anyone. It's understandable that you can't be intimate and that even the thought of it upsets you deeply.

The other huge challenge in this picture is what does one do for the children involved? This is going to be confusing and hard for them too.

I am so sorry. It’s just so painful

Some people forgive affairs. Nothing wrong with that if that’s what they want. Some people stay together, again nothing wrong with that but unfortunately many who do stay continue life of misery and pain with their spouses. So I think if people stay and work on it and lead a happy life, then it’s not a bad choice. But if they stay and live in misery, then I don’t see the point. Much healthier and happier to be alone or potentially meeting a better partner.

So if you are committed on staying then ask yourself if you are capable of living happy life with this person or you are signing up for life of misery just because you feel you must forgive or can’t manage your life on your own. In addition you have 7 kids. Can’t be easy

Are you seeing a therapist?

Hi AZ, how are you coping now? I recently found out my husband was unfaithful & he’s now asking for divorce..it’s devastating. Hope you are well

I am not sure if she’s truly sorry. She says she is, it I can’t be positive of it. I used to be positive that she would never cheat, but that proved to be a false assumption. I’m aware I didn’t marry a saint/Angel, however being faithful in marriage is much different than telling a small lie, stealing an item, cursing me out or what have you. I am very aware of what the Bible says about forgiveness, love and repentance. I have been fighting to keep this marriage together almost a year now since finding out. If it fails it’s not on me.

Forgiving is a must, especially for me as a Christian. Moving on together is not though. I am free to divorce because of her infidelity. You are 100% correct about always wondering if she’s doing it again, it’s almost all I can think about every day. I’m sorry you experienced this pain, married or not it sucks! I hope you have or do find a great special someone to share your life with.

Yes I am seeing a therapist. We have also been in marriage counseling ever since it came to light.

I want to give a positive answer and say I’m doing good but I’m not. I am a week away from the one year anniversary of finding out, and my heart is still completely shattered over it. I honestly have been struggling with thoughts of being done with this life, but I’m fighting it. I am sorry you are also facing this. You are right, it’s devastating, and anyone who says it isn’t either hasn’t faced it or wasn’t truly in love with whoever did it to them. I hope you are well too, try to stay strong, it’s all we can do.

When the person you loved betrays you, it is a big tragedy
And I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I understand that you do not want to live without a family. But it seems to me that living with a person you don't want to live with for the rest of your life is also a bad idea.

Maybe it's better to leave your wife now. Because you will no longer have love and trust. But if you go, you will still have a chance to find a person who will love you and who will be faithful to you. All people deserve to be with people who value them.

I wouldn’t live without a family, all 4 of my kids rallied behind me when it came out (they are all adults or within a year of being).

I am not lacking love, but definitely trust. Finding a person who will love and be faithful to me seems very unlikely. I don’t see me ever giving anyone all of my heart or trust ever again. I don’t think any woman will ever want me anyways. I am in a wheelchair now from my spine injury, and also by me not having trust I don’t think any woman would want to deal with my insecurities. I’m not staying for those reasons, but I have already accepted them as truth.

So it’s been about 2 months since my last post on this thread. I find myself literally numb to the face most of the time. My heart has grown harder and I no longer feel like I can ever be in love with her again. I love her as a person and do not want her unhappy the rest of her life, but I think that’s the extent of my feelings right now. I never make love or have sex with her. Never turned on. Never care to touch or kiss really. I am afraid of growing old alone though. I wonder if it’s better to have a “best friend” I live with who’s not like a lover, or to be alone the rest of my life? I feel like I have three options:

* Stay in an unhappy marriage because I have company.
* Be alone the rest of my life
* Get busy dying

I never could imagine I would one day be in this position. Give my whole self and life to one person just to be torn apart so horribly. I don’t even recognize who I am anymore. I feel like such a worthless loser. I gave everything... 😭

Hi @AZ Dad 1979 I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. My husband and I are currently going through a divorce and that has been gut-wrenching, to say the least, I cannot imagine also dealing with infidelity.

What does your wife want to do? Does she want to stay married?