So unfair, so painful

My husband is seing a lawyer Jan 6. He cheated, I forgave him, now he is at it flirting and making excuses to get out of the house. We are still in the same house as he has nowhere to go, so this is very painful and unfair to me and the children

I wish he just would move out so he can enjoy his extracurricular activities without the pain of seeing him lie, make excuses and dissasociate and making us all feel like chopped liver. He used to pick on fights then blame me, now he just makes excuses .

I feel so lonely and sad. I am trapped here putting a strong front for the kids, a supportive face for him as he struggles with guilt and depression, while maintaining the peace as we negotiate the terms of the divorce. I am getting a very generous settlement and got way more because he knows I did nothing wrong and he feels guilty, but money cannot repair my broken heart or give my kids the time back to be with their father. My husband changed and he brings a cloud of negativity that makes me feel bad about myself. I just want h to leave at this point, but don't want a litigate in court and lose the agreement that we have. I love him and always will. I have accepted this but can't move on until he is out. I was never consulted on this arrangement of him staying here for months until it is final.

I know he is trying not to hurt my feelings and spend time with the kids, but he is doing neither. He already made plans in advance, then gets tense and miserable while we do things with the kids as he struggles with guilt, then makes excuses to leave. The kids are used to him leaving do they are obvlivous, but I know. I'm tired of being treated like an idiot, forgiveness only enable him and made him look for excuses to do it again.

I an numb. I am not surprised or upset, but it hurts me that he acts fine, enjoys the perks of home and understanding, pampering, help with his guilt etc. then like a switch acts so miserable when he plans to meet whomever then, makes us all blue and feel bad as he disconnects when it's time to leave to do his thing, then perks up when it's time to go, then come back and feel guilty and depressed and I have to nursing back from the depressive moods, repeat.

Oh I feel for you and I feel your pain and sadness.

It's NOT fair OR right what your husband is making you endure. Can't you ask him to please leave out of respect for YOU? If he has any human decency to him, he WILL leave the home so he can pursue his extracurricular activities with other women outside of your home and NOT under your nose! It's appalling what he is putting you through. That's SO disrespectful! And why aren't you angry with him? I would be enraged. I am not blaming you, but supporting him while he is having affairs while still living with you undermines all your sense of self respect and human dignity. You are very kind hearted towards him, yet you are doing yourself a great disservice.

Ask him to leave - or tell him to leave. It's not OK. You should not be taking care of this person who is also hurting you.

i agree with you that it isn't fair of him to stay in your house like that even though you're separated without even trying to help. i understand that you don't want to ruin this agreement but i think if you want him to stop you need to stand up and make your voice heard about this. Please do consider speaking up about this with your lawyer or whoever else you feel like can help. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Here we go again, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Why are you giving your husband so much control?

Supposedly, his rationale is that he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, be "best friends' and for him to have access to the kids and house as he pleases. I am way past feeling hurt. I just want to move on.

Why you ask? I was not consulted, but rather informed. I am numb and putting up with this because the children love him. He feels guilty because he hadn't bonded with the kids in a very long time, and I wanted them to spend time with him and have at least some memories other than him being gone.

I don't want to lose what we negotiated I suppose. He is afraid of that also. I supposed we are both afraid of hurting each other and we are trying to avoid litigation and salvage whatever is left for civility and coordislity. He has no intention to draw blood in court and neither do I. He travels for work, so flexibility and cooperation is needed. Believe me, if we hated each other things would be much easier, but we care about each other very much. I just want the children to be happy. About the control thing, I suppose that could be argued the other way around if you ask him lol! But the truth of the matter is that he threatens with suicide often and has terrible depression and I don't want a tragedy. I just want him to be happy and safe, want the kids to have some memories of him and I want to make sure I am taking care of as he promised, I'm almost 50 and I deserve my fair share of everything that we both worked do hard to get. I just want to make it through the week, and do the best I can as we negotiate, but he really needs to go, I'm tired.

Him threatening suicide is emotional manipulation. Can't you keep your settlement in tact and as is, even IF he moves out? And he IS hurting you - how can he tell you he doesn't want to hurt you, yet IS hurting you by staying? This is not making sense and it does not add up. He needs to move out and stop hurting you the way he is.

We are both hurting, but he gets the perks both ways, he gets it both ways this way!! I only get the responsibility and pain. I am sure since he spent the night elsewhere last night that he is now ready to move out, I hope that he comes home to pack, I will help him lol! Yes, it is my wish to preserve the arrangements, but I'm afraid that once he talks to the lawyer in a couple of days then he will be advised not to. It is a very loving and generous settlement way past my entitlements, he screws me big time and did nothing to deserve none of this, he knows his success today is off my sweat and years and a lot of sacrifice, and I ain't gonna go homeless or make my kids destitute and afraid of where they are going to live when they are 18. We both agree on this, so there is love and pain.

He spent the night away last night? Yes, I would help him pack!!!!

Do you have a good lawyer representing you?

The best in town, but that seems unimportant to me at this point. I love him beyond rational thought. I just want to survive the week and see him one last time before he leaves forever. This is not right. Something is not right. It should be about anger, bitterness, winning and spite, but I don't feel that way, I feel compassion, love and an impulse to help. Divorce should not be about love. His appointment is tomorrow. I am at peace and it's greater than me and I can't help but to feel love, and if that is the way I will go, then so be it.

When someone mentions suicide it’s not always manipulative or emotional blackmail. It can genuinely be due to severe depression and mental instability and duress.

I think he's manipulating you and the situation to get what he wants - to stay in the home right now, but to do what he wants with other women - that's my two cents. Your gut tells you that something is off - your gut is usually correct.

Although divorce doesn't have to be bitter - people can split amicably. But he is disrespecting you right now and is hurting you.

You feel the way you feel though, and if. you're at peace, then that's a good thing. It seems contradictory to the title of your post and to your earlier posts about being hurt. Maybe you have mixed feelings? I know through my divorce, I feel a very mixed bag of emotions, which is only natural.

It sounds like you have always loved your husband and sacrificed a lot so he could get ahead and have a career that he could flourish in. Sometimes what happens with that is that the wife creates a different life for the husband and with that his lifestyle gradually gets so the wife isn't a part of this new life. What gradually can take shape is the husband gets more involved with the career and less and less connected to his wife and family. So in essence the husband gets more and more detached. He is no longer the person the wife married, he has grown into another person that is increasingly involved in this new existence. This actually can happen with the woman too where the husband supports her as she works on a career and she becomes so involved with her career world that she slowly detaches from her husband.

When someone works on and attains knowledge and becomes more valueable it often changes how others in that world see him, this includes any women that are exposed to him who are looking for a "made" man. It doesn't always have to be a woman though, instead it could be the career itself that provides so much reward that it becomes that individual's life. It's actually very common for this level to take place in the individual's forties. However, it can take place when an individual is younger and hits a level where they are in high demand like in music and acting careers and in competitive sports of all kinds. However, it can happen in the medical field too as I remember a client of mine that is a heart surgeon who once he accomplished the skill set needed he was in so much demand that he genuinely had little time to be with his family and children. I do remember him struggling with that challenge as he was experiencing the cost of his career in terms of a normal family life. This can also happen when either individual gets involved with serving the country and literally goes for several months when on tour of duty. We all know that too changes a person.

My point is there really is NO black and white and it doesn't always boil down to "you are being abused" either. I have met career individuals that are conflicted where their career path took over and they were not the ideal family/relationship individual they also thought they could be. There actually CAN be a lot of guilt because of that. And there are times where the career was so consuming that the woman or man can suddenly see their children in their teens and they really don't know them, how fast that happened too almost like over night.

Relationship challenges don't always boil down to "oh my god I am the victim". Also, when you invest in another person there is always a risk. Just because you did this and that it doesn't always give you a guarantee. Actually, when I talked to this heart surgeon one of his big challenges was how he watched his mother try to go through treatment for her breast cancer. He did watch her suffer and in the end the treatment failed and his mother died. This made him question if it was wrong for his mother to go through all of that. My reply to him was that he really had to keep in mind that there have been many women who seek treatment and survive, and that his mother had the right to at least try and that is why we have medical treatment in the first place. One would think he already knew this given how he holds another person's very life in his hands with every heart surgery he performs. Yet, he somehow could not see it that way and he really just needed someone to help him with that so he could remember there genuinely are "risks" and no guaruntees. There are times in our lives where we have to get to a point where we realize how we simply cannot always control outcomes. This heart surgeon was definitely struggling with "this is so unfair" feelings.

I don't want to project anything into this challenge you are facing, I see that happen a lot (after all no one here knows your husband personally or even you). It seems to me that part of you wants to find the best way to handle this challenge and there are some gray areas that I don't want to fill which can push you in any direction that would lead to an end result you really don't want. It's hard enough when it comes to sorting out why a relationship is not working out and sorting through your emotions about it. It can lead to this feeling of "this is so unfair". That is when it's important to step back so you don't let emotions take over as you feel them.

Actually regardless how bad things look you can always maintain friendly rapport with each other and co parent amicably. It doesn’t need to be a battle or bitterness at all. It could be a peaceful negotiation, there is nothing wrong with feeling compassion. Heck there are plenty of married people staying together in bitterness, anger and disrespect for each other. There is nothing wrong with divorcing in a compassionate kind way.

I don’t blame you for wanting him to pack his stuff and go. You are not running a hotel. He can’t just go sleep one night elsewhere and then return like nothing happened. That’s disrespectful.

Life is too short to spend it in misery and I’d never advice anyone to devote their life to misery. There is more to life than pain and suffering.

I think it’s entirely possible when you two finally go separate ways but establish good routine for the children and both are demonstrating good models of healthy life for your kids, you’ll heal and you will live a good life. I promise you that.

I wish you the best. Hugs

This is absolutely exactly what happened. You nailed it, that is why all the conflicting emotions, as we have everything to be happy and have been, but the career took over and he is conflicted between two different worlds. He chose though, and it's a bitter pill to swallow. I know he is making a mistake and that he will regret this, as what we have is worth fighting for, and it's beautiful, but I can't fight alone and he is too far gone at this point. It seems like he wants to feel/indulge in whatever he is feeling and I can't stop him. I am sure his depression would get worse this way, but he seems to think it is happiness that awaits on the greener pastures he sees.

I feel depressed today. I haven't been depressed in 30 years. But can't be because I have the most beautiful children and they need to see smiles not tears. I can't today, I cried, at least I'm not numb today.

How old are your children here we go again?

I agree with you. He has ptsd and depression, so I know the threat is real.

The threat may be real along with his depression and PTSD, but he could also be using suicide threats as a way to stay in the home. It's very possible.

This man has proven himself to be sneaky and a liar because he cheated on you, and to be disrespectful of you by continuing to sleep with other women while still living with you now.

Why are you not enraged by his behavior and treatment of you? You're focused on his depression and mental health issues, while in the meantime he is sleeping with whomever he wishes and he gets to still live in your home.

I think it would really benefit you to look at your husband with more of an objective and critical eye.

Our kids are 8 and 11. Yes, I am focusing on my self and my healing, and trying to look forward and do things on my own and with my kids. Also trying to see things for what it is and stop justifying his behavior, clinging to false hope, but something is not right and I can't shake it.
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Update

He finally said that he wanted to seek medical help and wanted pills. He agreed to go to counseling alone to sort his own issues, not marital counseling. Still going through the divorce, his appointment was yesterday.

He said that he carries a lot of guilt and that he hates himself, and everyone he sees me he is reminded of what he had done to me and his kids. He is sick, and happy that he is finally seeking help for his mental health issues.

It’s good that he is seeking help. We can only help people that much if they aren’t seeking help

What is his ptsd from, is he a vet or involved with the service?

Four tours in iraq

Has he received treatment for his ptsd from the trauma serving?

How long has it been since he served?

From what I have read in what you share you sound like a very kind and caring person. I believe that you genuinely love your husband and you so badly wanted him to understand that and be able to be with you and his children.

When your husband served, before he did those tours he went through extensive training. Men that serve are recruited when they are still very young and when one learns about brain development the human brain continues to develop up until age 25.

When young men are trained they go though many exercises over and over again so they learn how to focus and also NOT hesitate. One of the biggest challenges that cost lives was when men were put into combat situations and when it came time to use their weapon, they hesitated, so they have training to prevent that hesitation. However, when a young man goes on tour and is taken to a place where there is active battle engagement, they end up having to be in constant high alert mode. While that too is considered in training, truth be told there is nothing exactly like the actual combat environment. Also, there is nothing that truely prepares these men for the horrors they will witness that are real and not simulations.

Truth is, even one tour of duty can severely traumatize a person depending on what that tour exposes them to. Active duty significantly changes a person in more ways then they can articulate. And it isn't JUST about how it affects these men psychologically either, it also can affect their entire lymphatic system.

Many of these men are in fact forever changed, and when they come home from serving it is very hard for many of them to readjust to what is considered normal civilan life. While you are at home raising children or working and home making, you don't wake up or go to sleep thinking at any time you could be killed. When you get in your car to go grocery shopping you never worry that you may accidently drive over a bomb that blows up your vehicle that can kill you. When you go out and are around other people you never even think about suddenly seeing another person killed or blown apart or laying in front of you or next to you with an arm or leg blown off. Also, you never think about how anyone you meet in your daily life can suddenly be killed either.

So, in essence there is a lot of things a civilian never experiences or worries about that a young man going off on a tour of duty in a war zone has to think about CONSTANTLY. So what happens is that when these men come back from living every day completely different is now changed and that alone can create "distance" in a relationship. Add to that the ptsd challenge and how that challenge affects someone and now you have an even bigger challenge. I have ptsd myself and I am constantly dealing with the challenges I experience from it, I can't even imagine the challenges a war vet has with what these vets get exposed to.

You are trying to see a normal for yourself, and instead there is something that you will never see that is now his normal within his condition called ptsd and whatever is in his mind that he is constantly very restless and alone with.

I am concerned that you may be told things and to make judgements that may not truly fit with your specific challenge. When someone challenged with ptsd, especially a war veteran talks about suicide for instance, don't just assume this is emotional blackmail. The high percentage of suicide cases with war veterans suffering with ptsd is proof that something genuinely challenging is taking place and NOT some kind of emotional blackmail. Truth is some individuals get very lost in their struggle with ptsd, it's not unusual for a person struggling to not feel "safe" or settled anywhere. And even with "anyone", which can mean not you or some other woman he may have cheated on you with.

I can believe what you are experiencing is very confusing, and yet I can also believe what he is experiencing is also very confusing. If he says he is unhappy, there can be more involved with his unhappiness that he may never be able to articulate to you in a way that makes sense to you. Often it's not that YOU and even the children are not worthy of his love, but more of how he is detached and can't love you or his children in a normal way. He is home, he leaves, he is there and gone and this may be speaking of how lost he really is in a way you can't comprehend.

It may help you more if you reached out for support from other women or men that are also being challenged with a veteran husband or even a wife that struggles with ptsd. It's not a crime to love, what is a crime is to expect something another person simply cannot give you.