[Tiff0]

After 7 years today I didn't myself lost and drained. In 1 week I found out that my husband has a porn addiction and he has been sending his ex money. I feel like my life has been turned upside down, I feel disgusting and like I have been married to a stranger. How do you deal with the self blame?

[AZ Dad 1979]

Originally Posted by Tiff0

After 7 years today I didn't myself lost and drained. In 1 week I found out that my husband has a porn addiction and he has been sending his ex money. I feel like my life has been turned upside down, I feel disgusting and like I have been married to a stranger. How do you deal with the self blame?

You don’t. What blame do you have on the matter? Sounds to me like your husband has the problems. Neither of those things are acceptable as a married man, and one particularly is damaging to intimacy for anybody. If he hasn’t actually cheated you may find solace in that, and marital counseling may help. The other two are big enough lies that damage to your trust may never fully recover. If you haven’t done anything to provoke any of this though, drop the blame, there is none to be had. Personally as a man I see no excuse he could have as to why he’s sending the ex money unless they share a kid. Porn is bad no matter what to me as a Christian man, but I know some couples welcome it and some may find it reasonable if the other spouse isn’t giving into sexual intimacy. For me, it’s wrong no matter what. That’s my input, sorry for your struggles.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry this is happening. Have you tried to talk to your Husband about this? Please do not give up. i agree with the wise and wonderful AZ Dad 1979 on this matter at least. You have no fault for this, unless there is something you have not told us. Perhaps propose Marriage Counseling to him to him if he's willing to actually put the work into it. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Tiff0, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Walkinmyshoes]

Originally Posted by Tiff0

After 7 years today I didn't myself lost and drained. In 1 week I found out that my husband has a porn addiction and he has been sending his ex money. I feel like my life has been turned upside down, I feel disgusting and like I have been married to a stranger. How do you deal with the self blame?

I found out the same thing about my husband almost 2 years ago. He was using porn to cope with stress and it ended up getting him into legal trouble. I blamed myself as well. So I truly understand. The problem with porn addiction and any addiction is they get so good at hiding. There was no way you would have been able to know “who he was” this in no way is your fault and all I can say is eventually when the emotions calm after finding out such a terrible thing yo will be able to see that this is not a fault of yours but his. Also therapy really helped me with those feelings. So don’t be afraid to reach out

[Rockingham]

You and he probably both did things wrong. Everyone does. Don't reflexively heap blame on yourself or on him, just try to understand what caused the situation. I'd suggest you two try to build trust by promising to start sharing and listening without condemnation. It's a slow process, but if you can both take some small steps confessing how you feel and what you need and want, you might find out that you have common ground and can repair things. Not that I'm judging him one way or the other, but he'll need A LOT of assurance from you that it'd be safe for him start opening up, that you want to love him and give him the benefit of the doubt. And you can ask that of him too... you should tell him how he made you feel but try to not be hurtful about it.

On porn: I have a different opinion than AZ Dad, I don't think porn is necessarily wrong or bad*. I mean, a lot of it is lame, but it's not sinful or anything. It's just sexually explicit entertainment. And liking it doesn't necessarily mean being addicted to it. My ex condemned it for a long time and eventually realized that her attitude was causing a lot of harm, while my occasional interest in porn was harmless at worst. Do you know what he likes to watch, and why? He might love getting your permission to watch it as a warm-up for sex with you. And, if you haven't checked it out, maybe there's some you'd like. There is some porn made with high cinematic quality and aimed at the tastes of women. Best case scenario, you two might try watching together. Maybe you'll laugh at it together, maybe you'll both get turned on. Just be sensitive. As a sex-ed teacher friend of mine says, "Don't 'yuck' someone else's 'yum'."

On sending his ex money: It's actually potentially sweet and kind of him to do that. Do the agreements the two of you have permit him financial autonomy, or is he sending dollars belonging to both of you? Either way, doing it in secret seems like a big problem. You two probably need to hash it out and find some sort of common ground about why he's doing it and what the right thing to do is.

Good luck!
R

* Disclaimer:

Possible trigger:

illegal porn exists, but it's a tiny, irrelevant fraction of the massive amount of porn the world consumes.

[Observer82AB]

Don't blame yourself for other people's shortcomings. And people do grow in separate ways and directions. You are far from alone.