[harborcoat]

My wife and I agreed to separate back in February. We are both in agreement that it's the best thing, and neither of us has been in love with the other for several years. This is absolutely going to lead to a divorce, and while we're both scared of the practical side of that, we are both in agreement that there is no reason to try to reconcile this marriage. I am still at the house while I wait for a friend to get his ducks in a row so we can get a place. The plan is to do that in July, and if he's not ready, I'll just move on without him.


My wife has recently begun seeing someone. She assures me that it didn't begin until after we agreed to split up, and I am inclined to believe her. She has always been honest and kind to everyone, and that has not changed during this. She avoids talking about dating, which is absolutely the right move. I am happy for her. She insists that he's not her boyfriend (I used that word once and she was quick to correct me) and they are not serious but I'm not entirely sure I believe that. I think she really likes this guy and I think they are a couple. I don't have much to base that on but a hunch, and admittedly, my hunches of late are severely biased toward whatever will make me feel worse.


So here's my question... why do I care? Why does it sting every time she leaves the house if I even suspect it's to go see him? Am I jealous? I've never been that way before. And if I am, WHY? I have no reason to be. She isn't mine and I don't want her back. I also don't want to keep her from living her life. We haven't been a couple for years, so there is nothing strange about her finding someone so soon after we split up.


So why am I filled with this constant need to know more about what's going on? Why does my mind go to these dark places and start telling me she's been seeing him since before we split when I KNOW that's not true? I get that I have low self-esteem and this obviously stems from that, but why is it so hard to recognize that fact when I'm in the middle of panicking about it? Why do I always recognize the truth after I freak out about the lies I'm telling myself?


I try to avoid asking her about it or talking to her about it. We still get along well, but we could get along so much better if I could get past this. Why can't I?