Jealousy against T

Hello, I am new here! I need some help with my daughter. My daughter has been in therapy for a few months now. She was resistant to go at first but now she has a very good relationship with her T. I'm very happy that she's making progress and talking to her T, but I feel left out. I feel like she tells her T everything and doesn't share anything with me My daughter waits the whole week to tell her T something that happened rather than me her mother. I often find myself feeling jealous of the relationship my daughter and her therapist have. I also feel replaced. I was thinking about termination since my daughter is getting better but I think that would be wrong. I feel kinda hurt. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be helpful.

Work on your own self esteem.
Children often talk to peers etc rather than family as they can be afraid of causing hurt.
It's as natural as dew on morning grass.

I can understand, but as your daughter gets older, this will happen more and more. It's the normal process of getting older. Just be there for her when she's willing to talk, and listen without judging or blaming.

Maybe you can request a family session, and a chance to voice some of your concerns. It's very natural to develop a strong bond with a T. I mean, there are things I tell her that I don't tell anyone else. Because I know it's safe. I feel safe. Maybe there are things you can do to help foster a feeling of safety in communicating with your daughter. If a family session doesn't work out, maybe try seeing someone a bit on your own.

My boys are in therapy too, and it's hard when they go in and come out and then don't say much of anything to me about it. But I realize that sometimes it's hard to talk to mom. I realized that as long as they are confiding and trusting a safe adult then their needs are being met. And that's what's important. I would rather them share everything with their T rather than with some stranger or even their friends because I know the T is going to help direct them in the right way.

*hugs*

Don't punish your daughter by terminating an apparently important relationship because you feel threatened by it. Instead, work on your self concept and your own relationship with your daughter. Don't expect it to be the same as she has with her therapist. Her therapist isn't her mother, and you aren't her therapist. Kids will share different things with different people in their life (don't we all really) depending on which audience feels safest, most interested, most relevant, etc. That is completely normal. No need to feel threatened by it.

My son sees a therapist (my therapist actually), and I value that time for him. That is HIS time and he deserves that safe place to unburthen whatever he wants. That doesn't mean my husband and I aren't "safe", but I'm a realist. I am absolutely certain there are things he would rather not share with his mom and dad at all. He needs that privacy, and we honor that.

Hi GoldenEyes,

nice to have you here! I am sorry you are hurt. and it must be so hard! Your daughter has someone she trusts deeply, she looks forward to see and whom she shares things with that she doesn't share with you. You say she has been in therapy for a few months now - that is not a very long time for therapy, but I can understand how it can seem like a LONG time for you.
You feel left out, afraid of being pushed to the side. I don't know how old your daughter is, or how your relationship was before she went to therapy. I am guessing your daughter is in her teens as you say you could terminate, which suggests she is a minor.
But it seems right now, the therapy is good for her. It's a great thing that she has someone who can help her and who she leans on - even though for right now it is not you. The jealousy is understandable but please remember, as harsh as it may sound, this is about your daughter and not you. And it is not meant as a bad thing. Please don't terminate out of jealousy, that could potentially damage a lot between you and your daughter because you might take something away from her that she feels is so important.
You say she is getting better - why don't you try to focus on that fact and try to be happy that this therapist has helped her get better? The more support you show her right now, the more acceptance and tolerance you show her - the more you can keep her close to you and trusting you. She is getting better - that is wonderful!!
Letting go or stepping aside is so hard.. but it's something you may need to learn right now. Have a little patience, perhaps in a little while she will get closer to you again. But please don't guilt her with your jealousy if possible, it could make thing worse for you.
And we are here for you if you have concerns or questions and need our support..

Love, Amelia

Hi GoldenEyes. Your post caught my eye because for a very long time, I was your daughter and my mom hated my therapist. All it did was drive my mom and I further apart. As I got older, I found other people in whom I could trust (when I no longer had my therapist) and confided in -- people I worked for or with, coaches, etc. I trusted these people very much, and once again, my mom was incredibly jealous. At one point she threatened to make me quit a sport because of my relationship with my coach, she was that jealous.

All my mom's frustration, jealousy, and hurt did was push us farther apart. I would have LOVED for my mom to comment how she noticed I seemed happier, or to come to one of my events and watch me do well. Instead, she chose to complain and tell me that I loved my coaches better than her. That in turn made me feel so guilty, and so frustrated with her that I felt bad about myself.

This suggestion from Amelia is a wonderful one, and would have been very helpful had my mother gone that route.

Sierra also had some very good pointers. I'd like to suggest that maybe you find a therapist yourself, so you have someone to confide in, if you feel like the relationship your daughter has developed with her therapist is hurting yours. It might be nice for you to have an opportunity to explore some of the concerns you have, and some of the reasons you're struggling with your daughter's relationship.

Lastly, I encourage you not to terminate your daughter's therapy. Termination is a decision best made between the client and therapist, and it would be very empowering for your daughter to get to decide when she's done. Oftentimes things are going better because we have that weekly outlet, and if it is removed, things may decline again.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.
Go ahead. Read my blog. Really. It's pretty good.