I Think I Learned Too Late:

Busy day at the office. Phone system crashed, upstairs A/C went out, 85° inside the building.

Hi JTL. I'm coming to this thread very late in it's development, and - in all honesty - I have not read every page. But your story touched me to where I feel compelled to offer a few thoughts . . . for whatever they're worth.

First of all, you need to knock off this business of blaming yourself for everything. You are way too quick to say: "mea culpa, mea culpa." (my fault, my fault) That may be the right frame of mind to get into, when you're on your knees, asking the Almighty to forgive you all your human inadequacies and guide you toward being a better man, if you're inclined toward that sort of prayer . . . . . but it'll get you nowhere with women.

First of all, knee-jerk apologizing - which you're inclined to do - short circuits the actual thinking that is needed to analyze and figure out what's really going on. You've assigned blame to failings of yours that your wife probably didn't even care that much about. Women don't leave men over occasional temper flares. But women do get very bored with men who are excessively self-effacing. Y
I'm amazed at how many threads have been posted in this forum by men who sounded just like you - in that they became heartbroken over their failure to please women whom they so badly wanted to please. Usually, they have sounded like very nice guys, but way too quick to idealize their wives and castigate themselves - like that's the safest thing to do. It's not.

Furthermore, you put her on a pedestal that she had no right to be on . . . except in her own mind. Any woman who would announce to her husband, via a text-message, that she's basically done with their marriage is some kind of piece-of-work, herself. That would be appropriate, if the woman were in a shelter for battered women. Not in this case. And all that blather about how she's on a much higher spiritual path than where your soul is at . . . . doing all her meditating . . . . . . but hanging on to you for enough years to get her non-spiritual needs met?
Puleeeze! Yeah, she saw your potential alright. Spiritual, my behind! This lady is pretty materialistic. You idealized her. That kept you from knowing the actual flesh-and-blood creature that you were living with. A woman is not flattered by being loved for someone whom she is not.

It is great that you are gentleman enough to not want to trash a woman who is breaking your heart. Stay that way. Never run her down to other people, especially not to other women. But lift your head up and recognize that - to some extent - you got played. It may be that your wife was not a person looking for a passionate physical bond. Perhaps, that's just not her thing. She found you suitable in other ways. (You did help rear her child, and you were good at that.) Now, at age 55, she doesn't want to even pretend anymore. It's just too much bother for her. That's really a deficit in her own make-up. You deserve to be loved fully, including physically, which is what you have offered.

Do protect yourself financially. I hope you've gotten some legal advice. Your wife sounds more than capable of making sure she keeps her own nest well-feathered. Don't concede too much of your joint assets. Be fair to yourself . . . and to a future relationship that you will need to invest in. Sounds like you've met someone who's interested in you. That is very good for your self-confidence. Enjoy it. Take it easy though. Any woman you meet is going to have her share of faults. And, for heaven's sake, give yourself some credit for being desirable and worthy of being loved - just as you are.

- stop reacting to astrological voodoo stuff at all
- do not give in to the time pressure. Always say that you need to talk it over with counsel.

This is precious advice, JTL! Think not only of yourself, but of your future relationships.

I agree because toxic/narcissistic women pick men they can use to pay in so they can live a certain lifestyle. They look for men with low self esteem and they love bomb them and manipulate them.

These women like to claim “having magical mystical powers”. It’s BS to control others.

I have a long way to go. I've learned a lot. Your advice was heard. I've experienced sorrow and rage, frustration and anger, and every emotion in between.

Ive wrote poetry, I've cried, I've screamed and I've denied. It's been a very long journey.

Get yourself a divorce lawyer before you make another move! Do not leave the home you both share, until you talk to an attorney. If you leave that home and let her know that you are seeing other women, then it can be said that YOU abandoned the marriage. That could affect the way a court will divide up the assets of the marriage. Forget about seeing a therapist, and start seeing a very experienced lawyer . . . at least for now.

Your wife is telling you to go ahead and start enjoying sex with other women. Dude . . . I think you're being played again. Do not trust anything this woman tells you. And DO NOT give her any information about any interest you may have in any woman you may meet. From here on in, that is none of her business. You need new boundaries - between her and you. She is not your new best friend. Any love life you have going forward is strictly your business, and keep your business to yourself. Go ahead and wash her car, if you like. That's fine. But do not confide in her. You need a long talk with a lawyer.

Go to YouTube. Type this in the search space: "Advice for men facing divorce." That will bring up a bunch of videos. Some will be relevant to your situation. Some won't be. Skip around, and sample here and there. You'll likely find something that resonates with you.

Also, go to your regular browser. Type in the same topic. See what comes up. You'll get solicitations from law firms right away. You may ignore those. Skim through some articles. You'll feel less alone. This will help you to start thinking pragmatically and practically. Stay calm and don't be rushed into anything. You can get through this and come out whole. When she talks, listen politely. Let her do all the talking she wants. Your best bet is to say little.

Good advice. I really appreciate your input.

I'm filing for divorce and since i work for a law firm, i can do all the paperwork myself.

We've had a legal separation going back a few years that prohibits spousal support from either party. We've had separate bank accounts for many years. Essentially, there's no property to divide.

All vehicles are paid for and we carry zero debt, other than the home.

I am not going after her assets. Its possible, with a specific legal strategy, to go after my wife's retirement, but im not doing it. I could probably develop a strategy to go after the $$$$ in invested in the marital home, even without being able to claim the deed, but i do not want to do this.

Being free to pursue a future is enough for me.

I have a great job and my work family is super supportive.

So many things are coming out in our most recent discussions that don't make sense, but do make me feel that what she was telling me, wasn't 100% her true feelings, which was never how she and i had ever interacted.

Things changed, at a point, and she began "testing " i think. For example, last night, i confronted her about some of these inconsistencies, in the quietest, most loving way.

I said, "You know, when you told me that i had your blessings to find a sex partner, you destroyed me. I heard "i don't love you" and it was devastating. Then the cold, heartless text, and again you broke my heart, and yet i stayed. I've never stayed in a bad relationship. I always ran, but i stayed here because of what my heart tells me, not my brain."

Her answer, typed from my written notes, was baffling and truly left me speechless.

She said, "I still had deep feelings for you, but i needed to see how you would react to see if you were serious.

I had 100% female energy and no masculine energy. I was unbalanced. You have 100% masculine energy and zero empathy or feminine energy.

Our soul contract was for you to break my heart, through your workaholism, and emotional abandonment, so i could learn to think with my brain. My part of the soul contract was to break your heart to see that you need to open your heart chakra and feel more and think less."

This lady conjures up a bunch of mumbo-jumbo that is nothing but a smokescreen for her duplicity. Do not buy into this crazy crap that she churns out. It is garbage wrapped up in shiny paper with colored streamers attached. She is spinning a web of B.S. She postures as a person of sincerity, but she's got a treacherous streak a mile wide.

This "spirituality" of hers is a product of her half-baked, shallow grasp of some eastern religious traditions. I wish you had access to a person truly formed and educated in the spiritual tradition of an eastern religion. (I don't mean Deepak Chopra, either, as he got rich conning gullible Westerners.) I mean a person of that culture who quietly lives an honest life. Such a person would probably tell you that your wife's notions are not representative of genuine Buddist or Hindu insights into the human condition. She wants to be a spiritual teacher and lead other souls on their paths? This gal is just a little too full of herself, IMO.

I don't care if you are a paralegal, working on your J.D. Please have at least one counseling session with a divorce attorney. Letting her have all the equity in that house you helped pay for sounds like something you need to slow down on. I guess the house will be sold, so she can move to the east coast. It seems she put a lot of thought over many years into setting things up, so that she could eventually bale on you, taking as much for herself as possible. I don't think she's been waiting around for messages from the Holy Spirit to know what her next move was gunna be. She's been making her own plans. They've been kind of sneaky, if you ask me.

I'm not trying to get you angry with your wife, though she makes me a little angry. I'm just trying to get you to finally, at long last, take off the rose-colored glasses, and see this lady's antics for what they are. Everything she says is very self-serving. I'll bet the dalai lama would tell you the same thing.

If the realestate property was in your wife’s name before you were married and you contributed your own funds to have a place to hang your hat like paying rent then imo it’s her place. But if this property is something you got together and both worked hard to own it clear then you should get half of what it sells for. How that pans out should be done by percentage of contribution.

That being said, a lot depends on the laws in your state.

Thank you for this insight!

This is toxic BS.

This is a direct quote. I was stunned.

So now we discovered something new. After telling me for two years she does not love me, she even sends me a text saying to "please find a partner to share physical intimacy with and show her this text to prove i am ok with it,"

Then, when i asked her why she married me, she said, "because i saw your potential," NOT because im in love with you.

Then, the July 2nd text that read, "i have searched my heart and soul and i have no love for you. We are only together for two incomes,"

Then, asking me why am i always sitting around waiting for her to talk to me, when i should be "going out and meeting like minded friends."

So, for 4 years, i remained faithful throughout zero physical intimacy, all the while trying to figure this out, working on my flaws, but not understanding any of this, so i finally just throw up my hands and say, "fine."

Then this padt Saturday, i met the mutual friend of our drummer and Sunday i get invited to go hang with the group.

We drive around (group in MBZ SUV) singing in the car (she's a former pro backup vocalist and now a phys asst), we go get Pho, hit a winery for wine tasting, then a park, a Starbucks, then a Mexican restaurant with a live band.

Most relaxed, fun time I've ever had with zero trying to be a better/different version of myself.

I get home about midnight and crash in my room.

The next day my wife said i was "torturing me by going out on me."

She added, "I watched you on our family GPS Tracker going to all these places. Now you need to explain to your mom and kids why i can no longer be on the family circle GPS map."

I said, "Do you recall turning me down recently when i asked if you wanted to (platonically) go with me to Catalina Island?"

No response.

Then i asked, "Do you remember telling me you "never say anything you don't mean?"

She answered, "Yes."

I said, "Look at the evidence. 4 years you say you feel nothing for me, want only my income, invite me to find a sex partner so you will not feel pressured to engage in physical intimacy, and continually reiterate that you feel nothing for me beyond a friend."

"Then, i meet some friends, one of which is female, and spend 12 hours talking about life, telling you in advance that i was going, and you feel betrayed?"

She replied, "Yes."

To which i said, "but you don’t love me and you are not in love with me."

She said, "That’s how i felt. I was mad. Hurt. But, when you said you were gonna be around this female friend of the drummer, i felt feelings again that i had forgotten or denied."

I replied, "why on earth would you push me away for 4 years, then suddenly "feel" something for me?"

She said, "I don't know actually. "

I told her, "Had i have known you had feelings for me, i would not have gone, even though i still believe we have no choice but to divorce."

This is enough to drive you nuts.

I think you should just invest your time doing things you enjoy doing. Don’t tell her anything.

That kinda blew up.

This isn’t love. This is about control and jealousy.

The biggest sign of childhood trauma is trying to convince people who are hurting you to treat you better rather than you walking away.