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  #51  
Old Jul 08, 2023, 12:48 PM
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Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
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You can live separate lives and choose to still be friends. You can still love someone as a person and not continue having a marriage relationship.
Thanks for this!
ArmorPlate108

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  #52  
Old Jul 08, 2023, 10:26 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
You can live separate lives and choose to still be friends. You can still love someone as a person and not continue having a marriage relationship.
I love my wife very, very much and i like her as a friend, but I do not feel the desire to continue an active friendship with her once we have settled the finances. She found this a bit puzzling, but to tell me you haven't had any feelings of love for me for several years, but stayed because my income was needed, without ever actually saying so until 5 days ago, doesn't qualify for friendship material in my book.

She's moving to the east coast, and i will remain here in the west, so an active friendship would be impossible anyways.
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Open Eyes
  #53  
Old Jul 08, 2023, 10:27 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Well I think there’s a lot of stereotyping here which is perhaps outdated. Plenty of women successfully take care of finances, don’t need a man protect them, not only are independent but are often bread winners..

Now are there women who are fully dependent on men for no good reason-no young children at home etc? Yes, absolutely. Are there women who use men as financial tool and work horse. Yes, of course.

I think the trick is to not settle with such women. I don’t think the message should be “that is how women are”. Then men pretty much doomed. It’s just not the case. Just choose wisely
Good point...
  #54  
Old Jul 08, 2023, 11:22 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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My feelings of grief are giving way to my plans for the future. All the things i gave up to make time for her, i can suddenly enjoy again.
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Open Eyes
  #55  
Old Jul 09, 2023, 07:59 AM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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Today marks 7 days since i was told i existed only as a means of financial support.

How are you guys doing today?

Hope you are all doing well.

Be blessed.
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Bill3, Open Eyes
  #56  
Old Jul 09, 2023, 07:36 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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A beautiful, sunny day...sitting outside a Starbucks by the fountain.
  #57  
Old Jul 09, 2023, 08:12 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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I just walked into a church for no reason at all.
  #58  
Old Jul 10, 2023, 11:37 AM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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Back at work today.
  #59  
Old Jul 10, 2023, 01:56 PM
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Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
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I’m sorry that was said to you. It’s pretty cold hearted, can’t blame you for feeling hurt.
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  #60  
Old Jul 10, 2023, 02:25 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
I’m sorry that was said to you. It’s pretty cold hearted, can’t blame you for feeling hurt.
It did hurt me. But, I'm trying to get past it. I have just always believed that we could accomplish anything and i knew i loved her enough to get past anything, so the finality of her decision to quit us is really hard to accept.

My therapist told me she was very proud of my response because it showed a lot of growth. I responded to "i no longer love you but only need your income" with a simple, "I Love You."

Im happy that I've evolved into a much kinder, gentler person, even if i feel uber-vulnerable right now.
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Open Eyes
  #61  
Old Jul 10, 2023, 02:29 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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I'm keeping a positive outlook today.
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  #62  
Old Jul 11, 2023, 10:54 AM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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Last night, i had the worst panic attack that I've ever experienced. It was absolutely terrifying. I've never been so happy to see the sun, and yet so totally exhausted at the same time
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Open Eyes
  #63  
Old Jul 11, 2023, 11:40 AM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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Today, im in my office functioning on no sleep
  #64  
Old Jul 11, 2023, 06:27 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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Almost done for the day....
  #65  
Old Jul 11, 2023, 07:42 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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How can you text your husband of 9 years and write, "i have searched my heart and soul and there is no love for you. Im only still here because 2 incomes are needed," if you ever loved him at all???

About 2 years ago, i asked her why she married me and she immediately answred, "Because i saw your potential..."

I guess the writing was on the wall

And what was my response to her text???

"I know you been through a lot. I love you."

I'll heal, but i invested every ounce of my heart and soul. It hurt me badly...
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Open Eyes
  #66  
Old Jul 11, 2023, 08:54 PM
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Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
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The way she stated that to you was very cold and self centered.
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  #67  
Old Jul 12, 2023, 01:03 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
The way she stated that to you was very cold and self centered.
She is very blunt and super-direct, but in my heart, i just want to think she still loves me....a little.

Bless you for your kindness...
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  #68  
Old Jul 12, 2023, 01:16 PM
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Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
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Honestly, some people don’t love the way we might want or think. Even when we try and love them, it f it’s not there, it doesn’t matter what effort we put into it.

Yes, it can be very disheartening and deeply disappointing.

It’s up to you to know your worth. This means learn to value your own achievements even when others don’t. That’s on them not you.
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  #69  
Old Jul 12, 2023, 02:00 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Honestly, some people don’t love the way we might want or think. Even when we try and love them, it f it’s not there, it doesn’t matter what effort we put into it.

Yes, it can be very disheartening and deeply disappointing.

It’s up to you to know your worth. This means learn to value your own achievements even when others don’t. That’s on them not you.
I wrote her a poem yesterday and we talked a lot last night.

I told her that I'm willing to accept her decision. But, i also asked her " aren't you surprised that i didn't leave when you sent me that text?"

She answered, "Yes, i still dont know why uou didn't freak out."

I answered, "because I'm in love with you and you cannot kill my love. I married you forever and ever, no matter what."

I then told her this, "You need to know that you matter. "We" matter. We could fix this. My heart is always with you, even if you reject me."

Here's the last thing i said to her last night:

I'm telling you this because i do not want to run into you, 20 years from now, and have you say, "you know, if you would have owned up to your failures and asked me for a chance, i would have given it to you."

I'm officially asking you for the chance to re-write this ending. If you still want to split, I'll agree to whatever terms you ask and I'll keep loving you, no matter what happens. "

"But, having said that, always remember this, i loved you enough to go all the way to eternity with you and i ONLY let go because you were ready to move on."

Who knows where this will go???
  #70  
Old Jul 12, 2023, 02:26 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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@openeyes:

I got a response to the poem i wrote a few minutes ago:

"I read your poem and it’s beautiful, honest and full of love. Thank you ☺️ we’ll see what the universe has in store for us. I just let it go into the universe and it’ll be what must be."
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  #71  
Old Jul 12, 2023, 06:08 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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Taking one day at a time...
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  #72  
Old Jul 12, 2023, 08:41 PM
Tart Cherry Jam Tart Cherry Jam is offline
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I disagree regarding mating possibilities for women in their 50s. I feared, when I was younger, that it would be the case as you describe, Open Eyes, because when I was in my 20s, I had many suitors in their 50s and I just assumed that that is what men in their 50s do: fall for much younger women. But it did not materialize in my life (thank god). In fact, I have recently rejected two lovers, one 5 years younger than me and the other 12 years younger than me (and with an absolutely stunning physique, not that I care that much about it, but I am able to objectively judge it without emotionally or sexually reacting to it). I am hoping to be married to a man my age (who currently lives abroad but we plan to meet soon and see if we are a fit for each other at last), someone whom I did not take seriously when I was in my 20s because I was deeply in love with a man older than my father, and, again this is a hope atm, to have this marriage as my last marriage until one of us dies.

Regarding the libido, yes, mine is very low but it is due to medications. It is not at all due to age and here is proof: when in November 2021 I briefly tried Vraylar and found being on Vraylar equivalent to being off meds, my hypersexual ideation returned to me in a matter of days. I also stopped sleeping, the situation started escalating and upon realizing and seeing that I would be manic if I did not intervene, I stopped the Vraylar trial. Now I am on Latuda and it dampens the libido. The same was true on Zyprexa. But everything else is wonderful on Latuda, so I am choosing a very stable life over having a high libido. I can still climax from masturbation but I have no particular desire to masturbate and schedule it as I would chores and exercise because I am morbidly afraid of developing sexual problems and vaginal atrophy from the "use it or lose it" side of things.
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  #73  
Old Jul 12, 2023, 08:57 PM
Tart Cherry Jam Tart Cherry Jam is offline
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Originally Posted by JustTotallyLost View Post
My feelings of grief are giving way to my plans for the future. All the things i gave up to make time for her, i can suddenly enjoy again.
Yes! Yes!!! And as you say, you are in a great physical shape (and I do not mean to qualify it with "great physical shape for a 57 year old man", but just great in general, globally, without a qualification), with a lot of successes under your belt, with an unusual openness to therapy and self-improvement, with a poetic talent, with the sex drive higher than it has ever been and the ability to make a woman climax (assuming this ability is generalizable from your current wife and former sexual partner): that is PLENTY to carry proudly into your next relationships(s).

I just want to suggest one thing regarding your hyper focus on your wife's climax (in the past). For your future women, making their climax more important than yours is OK as long as you do so because you are keenly empathetic and you experience their pleasure as your own, because you are happy for them and maybe a little proud of your efforts. It is not advisable to prioritize her climax because it is a testament to how good of a JOB you have done, which is what you wrote. In general, the less you equate sex with achievements/performance, the better. This is especially true for you personally since you write poetry and want to make poetry part of the intimate encounter. Forget about doing a job, any job, and enjoy.

57 is nothing by today's standards. But given how much you work, it is important to also find time to exercise, and of course you should eat healthy foods. If you do that and add to that your (future, and I am sure you will get there) emotional and physical intimacy, and if you also stay on top of your health, take care of issues, and stay connected with your elder parents, your children, your current's wife's children, your friends and the larger community, you have a very good chance of living a long life. Take advantage of it, learn from the past but do not dwell on it, and look forward to your next adventure and what else is awaiting you on that journey. It is already the fact that his marriage is better than prior marriages and there is nothing to preclude you from enjoying your next relationship even more.
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JustTotallyLost
  #74  
Old Jul 12, 2023, 10:44 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam View Post
Yes! Yes!!! And as you say, you are in a great physical shape (and I do not mean to qualify it with "great physical shape for a 57 year old man", but just great in general, globally, without a qualification), with a lot of successes under your belt, with an unusual openness to therapy and self-improvement, with a poetic talent, with the sex drive higher than it has ever been and the ability to make a woman climax (assuming this ability is generalizable from your current wife and former sexual partner): that is PLENTY to carry proudly into your next relationships(s).

I just want to suggest one thing regarding your hyper focus on your wife's climax (in the past). For your future women, making their climax more important than yours is OK as long as you do so because you are keenly empathetic and you experience their pleasure as your own, because you are happy for them and maybe a little proud of your efforts. It is not advisable to prioritize her climax because it is a testament to how good of a JOB you have done, which is what you wrote. In general, the less you equate sex with achievements/performance, the better. This is especially true for you personally since you write poetry and want to make poetry part of the intimate encounter. Forget about doing a job, any job, and enjoy.

57 is nothing by today's standards. But given how much you work, it is important to also find time to exercise, and of course you should eat healthy foods. If you do that and add to that your (future, and I am sure you will get there) emotional and physical intimacy, and if you also stay on top of your health, take care of issues, and stay connected with your elder parents, your children, your current's wife's children, your friends and the larger community, you have a very good chance of living a long life. Take advantage of it, learn from the past but do not dwell on it, and look forward to your next adventure and what else is awaiting you on that journey. It is already the fact that his marriage is better than prior marriages and there is nothing to preclude you from enjoying your next relationship even more.
Very exceptional points!!!!
  #75  
Old Jul 12, 2023, 10:52 PM
JustTotallyLost JustTotallyLost is offline
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@Tart Cherry Jam: i am blessed with good genes. I'm 6-3" 207 pounds, still have all my hair and try hard to stay fit. I drink too much coffee possibly, but i don't eat fast food.

I do really, really enjoy the totality of the female climax. Im fascinated by it and regard it as a true skill to be able to produce it. Sometimes, i just want to enjoy the experience and marvel at the physiological changes that take place.

I'm a giver by nature.

Yesterday, someone quit and i was promoted to management just like that. I was humbled.

Things are going good despite the pain...
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