When is divorce best for the kids - and when is it not?

I think it's obvious that in cases of abuse or drugs/alcohol/etc. - divorce is nearly always in the best interest of the children (and the abused parent).

But what about a civil marriage? No abuse, not a lot of fighting...but clearly not in love anymore?

Is it best to try and work things out to keep the family together - for the child?

Or is it best to just give up and face the facts that the marriage is never going to get any better?

Will my child be torn between two families for the rest of her life? Is that going to hurt her?

The sad part is...the biggest problem in our relationship is the lack of romance - mainly sex. But if I divorce him over something so trivial...then won't I just wind up alone and even more lonely in that department??!! What's the point.

We don't fight much, and we both try really hard to keep the "happy face" in front of our child. She is only 2-1/2 years old now, doesn't know a lot, but she can sense tension. My heart just aches to think of her being dragged between two houses for the rest of her life. I hear all those "studies" about how children of divorce end up with problems. I just want the best for her - even if I can't be happy, I want her to be happy.

But then again...I'm not sure how much longer I can keep pretending that I"m okay in this marriage. He doesn't love me. I'm not sure I love him. I've done some horrible things to him. I just don't know how much longer I can keep up the charade.

Divorce is about the marriage. You have to divorce or not divorce as it relates to you and your husband only.

However your child's life turns out, that is how it will turn out and is not controllable by you because your child is a different person in a different time in history, with different thoughts, feelings and experiences. All you can work with is yourself; if you want to save your marriage you work with your husband to do so. If you don't think it can be saved or don't want to save it, you work to support yourself and your child. Hopefully your husband does the same, to support himself and the child.

You support your child, whether married or divorced as a responsible adult who is in charge of her own life and a good role model.

My parents told me one day, there is no passion in our marriage...we are going to divorce..

a little sadness on my part for a couple days..

....then, it felt like a lie had been lifted....like my parents were finally being true to their hearts...KNEW they didnt love each other all along!!

they each went on and are in happy second marriages now...with passion....

of course, I was 25 when they divorced.....but this has been my experience....

Love seems to die when issues aren't resolved. What would you lose to go see a marriage counselor?

I don't think a lack of sex and/or romantic love is trivial. While the intensity of those acts and feeling usually fade over time they are important, and it doesn't sound like you've been married all that long.

Could you try out marriage counseling as it has been suggested above? If your H doesn't want to go I'd recommend individual counseling to help you work through your feelings about it.

I just started therapy last week for other 'issues' (depression, maybe Bipolar, maybe Borderline...)

I know I shouldn't really be thinking divorce now but our relationship has been bad for a while. I know counseling will probably happen eventually. He just doesn't "get" it sometimes. He thinks everything is fine. Whenever I try to talk about things, he acts like he is completely oblivious to anything.

It's just that...sure, things might get better with him. But they always get worse again. Part of me is just DONE. I can't deal with the rejection anymore.

But then I realize....I wouldn't be any happier alone!! And my daughter loves her daddy SOOO much. Too much sometimes...she wants him instead of me. That just kills me when she falls and bumps her head and I go to console her...and she just screams even more saying "daddy daddy daddy". I can't bear to break those two apart, even just for the every-other-weekend kind of deal. She loves him too much. But I don't want to lose her. And I do want her to grow up with a good family, both parents, you know..what kids are "supposed" to have.

I don't know anymore..

Razzleberry, have you considered couples counseling with your husband?

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Razzleberry said:
Will my child be torn between two families for the rest of her life? Is that going to hurt her?

My heart just aches to think of her being dragged between two houses for the rest of her life.

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If you do decide to get a divorce, it needn't be so bad for your daughter as what are envisioning. If the ex-spouses can be civil and thoughtful to each other after the marriage, putting their daughter's needs first, they can create two warm and loving, but separate, homes. Some good books on how to do this are Mom's House, Dad's House and The Good Divorce. They are described in the book thread in this forum, which I'll give a bump.
Divorce Book Thread

In my opinion, your marriage should be an example of what you hope your children will have in the future. I also think that people give up too easily these days. I saw my parents go through some really horrible things and come out the other side. I wouldn't recommend staying with an abusive alcholic, but she did and he got treatment and was a recovering alcholic for over 20 years when he died.

My husband and I have had some really hard times too. But there was no abuse involved. There were times in my life when I thought that I couldn't stand to see his face. But these were my issues and quite exaggerated in my mind. I am so happy that he didn't give up on me at the time. I think every marriage hits a slump 10 years in, you have to get to know each other again and appreciate each other again.

I worked with a bunch of younger people and they changed relationships more frequently than the seasons. And if there was a child involved, who cares, "I have the right to be happy." No relationship is ever going to be a joy 100% of the time. Our children are seeing spouses and children as being disposable.

Before you give up, try counseling. If that fails or is not an option, you can still raise a happy healthy child. Keep the relationship civil, no bad-mouthing the other parent. Always remember that this is the man you chose to be her father and give him the respect he is due because of it. Hopefully he will do the same.

I'm sure you could find just as many "studies" of children growing up with parents who are still together, yet should have maybe separated.

I think (and this is just my opinion), but you may end up doing your child more harm if you stay together just for the sake of her.

Children learn SO much through observation.. and whether or not you intend for her to see the "bad" side of your relationship... children just know. They can sense when you're not happy, and because they're children and they're egocentric, they may just internalize that the reason you're unhappy is because of them.

To them, they ARE your world, and if you're not happy, then it must be something they're doing.

And then there is also the fact that you may or may not be modeling a relationship with your husband that isn't desirable - ultimately teaching them that its "normal", and one day they too might model this same behaviour.

My parents separated a couple of years ago, and now looking back, i'm glad they did.

Before they sat me and my brothers down and told us, i instinctively knew that something was bothering my mother.... and even though I wasn't really a child anymore, I truly thought that it had something to do with me. I though, well maybe i'm not being sensitive enough to her needs, or i'm only adding to her frustration by not keeping a close enough eye on my brothers, or keeping up with the household chores.

Either way, children are going to go through a period of suffering. It's natural... children want their parents to stay together, but I think in the long run... having happy parents is all that matters.

So do what will make YOU happy, because what makes you happy, will make your child happy.