[Malachite]

Have you ever perceived, you were trapped in a marriage, or comparable relationship? How valid was your perception? Did you get out of the marriage? How did you get out? How did you overcome the obstacles?

Please, don't hesitate to respond, if you currently perceive you are trapped in a marriage, or comparable relationship.

I truly truly thought I was trapped, so much so I went on and had five children with the man as they were the only things that made me happy, no matter what I said or did he would not leave the house he would just say I will make you love me again but did nothing about it....

It was a terrible situation he was lazy selfish and wouldnt go to work either, all he would do was drink and watch the tv till the early hours of the morning, I would have to get up at five am to wake him up to go to work then see to everything and I mean everything in the house or the car you name it I had to do it for fifteen years.

Then I spoke to somone outside of the situation and he said why dont you just leave, take the children and go into rented accomadation, just go dont take a thing except the children and the clothes you stand up in he will give me the deposit required.

So I did.

And it was liberating it really was fantastic, I was free for the first time in fifteen years ! Yes it was hard but no harder than I had already had it lol I was on cloud nine nothing could touch me or my children then aged 12, 11, 4,2 and 11 months, it was on the 16th of january a wednesday I will never ever forget the date LOL.

And you know the best thing about it ? The world didnt come to an end I managed with money hey I even managed to get some money out of him for my half of the house after the divorce ! Somthing I never thought I would get.

So I dont agree, I really dont see it that anyone is trapped in a marriage if you want out you can get out I did with five children three of them babies. And only the support of a good friend and my mum, all my family turned againts me as all they ever saw over fifteen years was a nice man who wouldnt say boo to a goose.

They couldnt see it was all a front put on mainly by me as I didnt (still dont) like the world to know my buisness.

So there you have it no excuses in the world would convince me anyone has to stay if they dont want to.

Trish.

[sabby]

That's a great question....here's my answer....

I most definitely felt trapped in my marriage. It's a horrible feeling whether or not it's real or perceived. In my situation the feeling of being trapped involved years of emotional (as well as physical & verbal) abuse that helped me to feel like I was absolutely nothing. In essence I felt like I was less than pond scum. When one feels that low about themselves, it's very difficult to make any kind of forward movement to free oneself of the marriage.

As far as how valid my perception was....it was very valid, at the time. It stopped me from making forward moves as well as other factors like children, bills, lack of money to support myself and children should we have left.

As far as how valid my perception is at this time, looking back it was skewed like crazy. Having allowed a spouse to systematically attack me and help to create a horrible relationship and situation could have been avoided much earlier in the relationship and hopefully I would not have suffered as much as I did had I looked at things logically.

I did get out of the marriage. The abuser finally put himself in the position of being arrested for assault. I finally took what little control I could by having the police called during a physical altercation. Marks were seen on my body that proved what I was saying was true. From that point, I never looked back. It was hard as hell, I will not deny it. But I finally opened my eyes and realized that nothing could be worse than what I had been dealing with for 12 years with this individual.

Is that to say that everyone else's situations are as mine? Oh heck no......but what I find is that sooner or later a person must get their heart and brain working in unison (at least to a point) in order to do what needs to be done....whatever that may be.


sabby

[sunrise]

Yes, I felt trapped in my marriage. I am in the process of divorce.

Contributing causes to the trapped feeling:

1) I had given up my career to support my H's career and take care of our kids. My income would not support my kids if I left. My H had all the financial savvy. I was afraid he was sheltering assets and would take all the money and run if I filed for divorce.

2) I had the dream that marriage should last forever and I didn't want to give up on that dream. I kept trying to make the relationship work, but he didn't put forth similar effort.

3) I had a history of abuse, neglect, no love, etc. in childhood and so my H's treatment of me seemed familiar and reasonable because of this.

Solutions:

1) I learned as much about our family finances as I could. I photocopied statements and bills and kept my own set. I started paying all of my bills, instead of letting my H have that monthly chore. I started getting my own money weekly out of the bank, instead of relying on my H to give me money he withdrew each week. I would not approve his idea to buy real estate with our savings. I wanted the assets to remain liquid for easier division. There was nothing I could do about my lost career--no use crying over spillt milk. I am now considering retraining programs so that I can find a new career that is more stable and pays better. My lawyer helped educate me on how divorce worked and I realized that I would get some assets in a settlement, and these would help keep me off the street, at least for a while.

2) I became too hurt to last any longer. I got a therapist and a lawyer. These people helped me realize the dream of marriage was dead and to stop beating a dead horse.

3) My therapist served a very important role with this. When I would tell him about my marriage and he would hear the sorts of things I endured, he would tell me that those things were not normal, that most couples didn't have those problems, that I shouldn't have to put up with that. This seems simple but it was so helpful to have someone, an expert on human relations, validate my experience and tell me that this wasn't a typical situation, that others did not put up with this. He also gave me a book on verbal and emotional abuse and reading this allowed me to see myself. This was a big stumbling block, because I felt that acknowledging that I might have been the target of such abuse meant I was a victim, and I hated thinking of myself that way.

I would say the most help was hiring caring and highly skilled professionals to help me: lawyer and therapist. Also, building up a support network of friends and family was very important too. And overcoming my reluctance to let anyone know that I was having a hard time, the marriage was falling apart, etc. People have been very helpful to me.

In retrospect, I really wasn't trapped. My perception was skewed. Although I was scared to go it alone and leave the relationship, I really was not trapped.

Good luck, Malachite.

[seeker1950]

All these wise responses sound much like me in my 20 year marriage in which I truly felt trapped. I didn't have the courage to leave until our daughter left for college, having been told he would take her from me and kick me out in the street with nothing. He hid all his financial assets also. When I finally left, I moved out into a ratty furnished trailer with nothing. But I was SO happy!
In retrospect, I think I would have had more rights than I perceived at the time from early in the marriage, but I was so brow-beaten and thought there was no choice.
It's shameful to admit, but much of the time feeling trapped with this man, I thought the only way out is if he dies suddenly.
Patty

[BittersweetMisery]

I feel trapped right now. I don't know how real it is or not. I feel alone and that he shows no emotion and doesn't understand nor is willing to try. His mother was BPD just like me and it has been pointed out by more than 1 professional that that's why he's with me, it's what he's used to and I think he almost resents me for it. I don't know how accurate my perceptions are, but the "divorce" word was thrown around quite a bit today.

[LouisaLLP]

Originally Posted by Malachite

Have you ever perceived, you were trapped in a marriage, or comparable relationship? How valid was your perception? Did you get out of the marriage? How did you get out? How did you overcome the obstacles?

Please, don't hesitate to respond, if you currently perceive you are trapped in a marriage, or comparable relationship.

The trapped feeling will start to go away once you start letting go. Get rid of things. Imagine yourself living somewhere else. Start building boundries and finding support through people who can be descrete. Small steps, at first.

[Malachite]

Dear Trish,

Did you loose your sense of feeling trapped, prior to making the move, or was it after the move, i.e., when you relate, how truly liberated you felt, for the first time in fifteen years?

Larry

[Malachite]

Dear Sabby,

Do you think, you would have found your way out, had there not been the overt physical abuse?

Larry

[Malachite]

Dear Sunrise,

As a child, were you subjected to emotional incest?

Larry

[Malachite]

Dear Patty,

What was the defining moment, resulting in your departure?

Larry

[Malachite]

DearBitterSweetMisery,

How are you? Do you still feel trapped?

Larry

[Malachite]

Dear Louisa,

May I trouble you to explain, what you mean by, "getting rid of things"? I can be dense at times. I guess, the feeling of being trapped, is all about being dense.

Larry

[sabby]

Originally Posted by Malachite

Dear Sabby,

Do you think, you would have found your way out, had there not been the overt physical abuse?

Larry

Hi Larry,

In answer to your question....I do believe I would have found my way out eventually even if there was no overt physical abuse. I received much more verbal/emotional abused than the physical. I think it would have been somewhat more difficult to do without the physical abuse. Words can garble the mind in so many ways where physically, it's boom and it's done, nothing more to "think" about.

When I did decide to end it, I know that it had to be something that my heart and my head agreed upon. It took time for them to come together. I am very thankful that they did finally come together for I would hate to think what may have happened if I had stayed.


sabby

[Brian37]

trapped?......no

it aint no prison sentence....if your not in love with your partner then get out

the yellow pages are crammed full of divorce lawyers

maybe you should ask yourself why did you get married?????

[radio_flyer]

I felt trapped in my marriage. I should have known when I wanted to "run" from the church on my wedding day. I did not run, but I prob should have. I got in way over my head when I married out of my culture as my now x husband is from the Middle East.

I knew I was in trouble big time when I gave birth to our son and my then husband picked me up from the hospital less than 24 hrs after giving birth, and dropped me off at the foot of the apartment and drove back to work. I was hungry. Baby was hungry. And my older son, he was l0 at the time, was hungry and we all cried together. lol. I called my mother for help and when she arrived all she did was complain as to what in the world was I thinking to have another baby.

There was a lot of emotional abuse. Some physical abuse. As I called the police 3 times during the l0 year marriage. I was mad at myself for believing in "a family". I was determined to stick it out until my son graduated high school.

It did not work out as I planned as physical abuse got a bit messy and I knew it was time to get out of the marriage. I was pretty much damaged by this time. Things got real messy and divorce was only solution.

In the long run, the marriage was a big mistake. I should have divorced within the first year of marriage. Dreams were shattered. I was shattered. Life was a mess. Sometime, I am sure, things for me will get better me. The key lies within me. I just need to "believe"....

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Malachite

Dear Sunrise,

As a child, were you subjected to emotional incest?

Larry

What is emotional incest? I did have emotional/verbal abuse as a child, but I don't think I had the incest. Sounds bad!

Take care.
sunrise