recently divorced and confused

Hi,
I'm new here and I just made my first post in the new members forum. Anyway, I guess this issue I'm having over my divorce sort of ties in with the medical problems I've been experiencing....

My husband was/is an alchoholic, but I loved him and kept putting up with it even after he relapsed after AA. It eventually got bad and he took it out on my oldest daughter (verbally) and me (verbally again) and then he had an affair. I just couldn't take it anymore and left him. I had to get a restraining order because he wasn't happy about the divorce, etc. Anyway, it's been 9 months and I hear he's doing better. So, I'm going to drop the restraining order and see if we can all get along.

Here's the problem-I'm scared #1 that he isn't changed. #2-I'm scared of how I'm going to feel. Will I be happy to see him and get sucked back in? I hope not cause I'm divorced now-even if it wasn't what I wanted. He always said we'd get back together if he'd change....so, what if? I'm really nervous I'll do something I'll regret.

aprilshowers1203 Welcome to PC!

Sorry to hear of your divorce and what lead up to it. Having been married to an alcoholic for 14 years and being abused physically, mentally and emotionally, I can relate to your fears and worries. I divorced him many years ago.

I too, had a restraining order taken out on my ex, mostly because I was fearful that he would take my girls and run, but also because he was abusive. Mine never went to AA or therapy of any kind while we were married. There was absolutely no way of getting him to go. I'm glad your ex has done AA and is now recovering after having relapsed. It is not at all unusual for relapse....staying sober is a difficult thing to do no doubt.

You have every right to be scared that he hasn't changed. Nine months is a relatively short period of time in the grand scheme of things. I would be looking at everything he has done in the past nine months....is he stable at work, is he stable in his own home, has he been with many different women or by himself, has he gone into debt?

If you are scared of how you will react and feel when you see him again, I would venture a guess that you haven't worked through your issues with the past yet. If you are unsure of these things, then I would strongly suggest taking care of YOU right now and working through all the pain and anger and even love you may still feel for this man.

Another issue is that we became enablers. We made excuses as to why they acted out, we made excuses as to why they drank. We believed it when they told us we were the reason they drank....if we were better housekeepers or if we were better wives or if we worked harder or if we raised the children better then they wouldn't drink. Well I do hope you realize that's a bunch of bull.

The reason I think you need to figure yourself out first is this....when we live with an abusive alcoholic we are made to feel nothing more than pond scum through that relationship. They are highly manipulative and they work on our self esteem until there is none left. If you are fearful of falling into the same trap, even if he is sober, who knows if he has grown and accepted his responsibility of his past behaviors....then my suggestion is to stay away for awhile longer until you feel stronger and more confident in your feelings and emotions.

This is never an easy thing to go through. I'm sorry if I sound like I am really down on alcoholics, but I'm really not. I know the struggles they deal with and I understand how hard it is to let go of them. I also know that they can change and relationships can be re-built...but it takes a lot of soul searching and a lot of self rebuilding in order for it to work.

I wish you well and hope you make the right decisions for YOU.


sabby

Sabby is right on, I fully agree with her.

Yep,

Listen to a voice of experience, there is nothing more valuable.......don't allow yourself to get sucked back into a relationship no matter what......if he has changed, they you can be friends, but don't even go there unless you are strong enough to say NO & take care of yourself above all else.

Debbie