[mixedup_emotions]

So, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. I can't stand dealing with the control and his behavior issues.

Even though he's seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist to deal with his issues, I feel as though I will never be happy with him.

Lately, he has been trying. Trying to curb the behavior issues, the control, etc. I feel as though it's just an attempt to "get me back" and is not genuine progress. For every couple of days of decent behavior, there's at least a day or two of "same old, same old". I do understand that change takes time. But, even if change happens, I'm just not sure it's what I want for my life.

Yet, there's that other side of me that thinks - well, it's easier to stay together than to be apart.....there are things that I do appreciate - his back scratches, the help around the house, his contributing to the bills, helping with our daughter.....how a divorce would be so difficult for our daughter....economic times are bad, and my job is iffy so taking on the entire mortgage would be a huge stressor....how I don't want to hurt him....and if things could just be civil between us, I might be able to settle for "good enough".

He is very sexually active. It's been years since I've been truly interested, but I always gave in to please him. For the last month, I have not done that - and it is a huge problem for him, major red flag. But I can't bring myself to be with him intimately. I've reached that point where him sitting close to me raises my anxiety level.

And I catch myself thinking, "maybe as time goes on, with therapy, etc. my feelings will change toward him and things will get better"....although I know my T is pushing me the other way.

Is this normal? The back and forth of my feelings are so extreme and frustrating....

Last night, my husband said that we haven't been spending time together and that we need to in order to make things better. I told him that I prefer that we keep some distance, because I am still sorting through how I feel, etc. It's the truth. I don't want to lead him one way or the other. I know it is frustrating for him too, but I'm just so confused!! I need space to figure things out.

I just don't know anymore.....

[lynn P.]

Hi,
I just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts. I'm in a horrible marriage situation myself and it's scary contemplating divorce , especially when you have kids. The economy is also another factor. I can empathize with that feeling of being stuck. I would only say make sure you both have tried your best to make a go of it before you split. If you do split, do yourselves a favor and keep it amicable. It makes it easier for all concerned especially your daughter. I wish you the best of luck.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, Lynn...

I just wonder if "trying my best" means making an effort to stay in a relationship that does not bring happiness to me...

[salukigirl]

I felt the same exact way before I left my ex-fiancee. Granted we had only been together 3 years and didn't have the child addition to our equation but I had those same feelings. It was like when he was gone I only thought about the good times and how much i wanted to work things out but then as soon as he would walk through the door my mood would change and I just wouldnt want to deal with it.

For me the decision was a lot easier because we were renting and didn't have any children and never went through with the marriage so we just lost the money we had put into the wedding (which wasn't a lot at the time) and we had to decide who took what. Although, we did have 3 cats that are basically my children and he felt the same way so that was pretty hard.

And going through 2 divorces (my dad and my mom then my dad and my step-mom) I can tell you that, although Im pretty screwed up, I would have been even more screwed up if they would have stayed together. Im still not sure how to show affection to others bc thats not how I learned. I learned that screaming and hating each other were the norm. And I think if they had stayed together that would just be even more reinforced in me. And kids aren't stupid. They know whether you love each other or not whether you hide the fighting successfully or do it in the living room. So staying together for the kids kind of hurts them on multiple levels. But you also mentioned the mortgage and many other factors like loneliness that make the decision harder.

I think deep down you know what you want/should do. Im not going to sit here and flat out say "stay together" or "get divorced" bc I dont know either of you or your relationship but I bet that you know what you need to do for yourself. It just takes some time to come to grips with the decision your heart has made. You both will be in my thoughts!

[mixedup_emotions]

Well, he's gone.....

He packed up some things and is now staying at his parents house until he gets his own place.

I have cried so much today and tonight....We hugged a few times, while I cried some more....and he told me that he is not giving up on us.

I am so heartbroken. Part of me just wants him to come home, hug me and tell me everything will be alright.

But I know that my emotions are so raw right now and that I really should just keep marching forward....

[deliquesce]

take good care of yourself, sweetie.

after what he did last night, i think him moving out is good for both of you. just remember that this is not the 'end' of your relationship, but just a break for both of you to breathe without hurting each other.

[sunrise]

(((((MUE))))) When my H moved his stuff out and left the last time, we all cried. Even though that was what we wanted. It is very sad for a marriage to end. After the way your H behaved last night, though, I feel it is best for you to be apart right now, at the very least until he can somehow get his behavior under control.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I really should just keep marching forward....

Give yourself some time and space to feel all this. There's no rush, is there? The important thing is that at least for now he is gone.