[Shadowsinsideme]

just in case this might be triggering, im using the trigger warning. It's about my recovery and what i think of this discusting society-

My name's Becka. This is my first time posting at this particular forum. I have schizophrenia, so i moslty post on that forum.
Anyways, i guess i've had somewhat of an eating disorder since i was about 12 years old (im 18 now)
It started out with me trying on and off to starve myself, but i never could seem to go longer than a week without eating. Then i tried millions of diets (low cal, low carb, low fat, healthy, etc.) and exsesive exercise.
Last fall, when i was 17, i started purging. I had put it off for so long, as a last resort, because i knew how unhealthy and dangerous it is to purge. But after 6 years of trying, i gave up and didn't even care anymore.
Well, i did loose some weight finally, but im glad to say that i think i am recovered (i hope i didn't just jinx myself) i've been feeling ok about my size and havn't purged or starved for over 3 or 4 months now. but I'm afraid it will return. I think the biggest reason i am ok for right now, is because of my schizophrenia--i have very flat emotions these days due to this "illness" so i havn't really cared much about what i look like and such.
Actually, im real afraid, because I recently came out of a phychotic relapse, and i havn;t really been hearing voices, feeling possessed, seeing things, or feeling paranoid for more than 2 weeks now, and my "psychosis" was actually a good distraction from feeling fat and all. Now that i'm not having very many of my schiz symptoms, i'm starting to focus on reality again. I really hate reality! Our society is really Damn stupid and it pisses me off so much. I hate hollywood and all these stupid celebrities that for some reason, everyone obsesses over and admires, but what the hell for??? most of them are the biggest idiots!! (such as, paris hilton, linsay lohan, britney spears, jessica simpson, etc.)
Im so sick of hearing about all this hollywood crap...it's putrid! when i was "psychotic" i was able to be in another world and not really see or pay attention to all this crap, but now it's all coming back. .
I hate the world...i hope it comes to it's end soon! Seems most humans wont rest until they spoil the earth and it's once beautiful land!

well, i just really had to let all this out. I hope i am able to stay strong and remember that i am a normal healthy weight, and keep in mind how rediculous and discusting it really is to be soooo thin like all these celebrities and such!! i dont want to be like that! I'm sick of everyone trying to be like everybody else! UGH! no one seems to cares about individuality these days. I've become almost phobic of being like all those people who only care about the latest fashions, and looking good, and being discustingly skinny, and cell phones, and ipods and purses with initials on them and tanning sallons and getting their nails done,and ALL their other "cool" materialistic garbage!
Im so sickened by society, i think im going to go scream in a pillow now! im surrounded.....they're all against me, conspiring! AHH! This World is my Enemy

..thanks for listening.

-Becka

is it a kind of a dream
Floating out on the tide
Following the river of death downstream
Oh is it a dream?

[Miss_A]

I've just read it all. I kind of know how you feel at school popularity is what "teens" go for. I'm classifide as "normal"! Its good for you to just let it all out. I've been needing to do that but some how I can't! Don't think the whole world is against you, unless your ben larden? It seemed like you had trouble with eating, I don't blame you feels like everyone is obsessed of the way they look and the body shape, yet it's mainly personailty people! I'm younger than you put still having a bit of trouble eating regular. Any how you can have a {{{{{{{Becka}}}}}}}

i agree with you about society's obsession with celebrity. it sounds like you've reached a point where you're doing better. hang in there. pat

[dogtanian]

hey becka - i know exactly how you feel. unlike you i feel those things more when i am psychotic/manic/depressed, but i know what you mean. culture can be a hard thing to deal with, but at the end of the day no one can change everyone in the world around but i guess we can all learn to live with it and just rise above it i think.

as the old cockney saying goes "where there is muck, there is brass" - it's true. try not to focus on the awful stuff, there is good stuff out there too, if you look for it

good luck, keep your chin up xxx

[darkeyes]

Hi there,
So much of what you said disgusts you, so does me.
It's okay to vent it with me, ha!ha!
So much of this model,celebrity,glamour girls/guys, pricey designer stuff, has caused so many young girls to become anorexic, hoping to have the same shape as the "beautiful, famous woman", it's so sad.
Then it is so hypocritical of media, hollywood, fashion magazines, to have movies and/or articles using the topics of anorexia and/or bulimia.
Cell phone abuse is another one of my peeves, oh I can go on and on, especially I am 48, from an older generation, so you can imagine for a person who finds change hard, all this stuff today is overwhelming
What I do is just stay in my own little world, doing what I can to be nice to others out in my 3d world.
I like my little rural town and neighboring towns, where most people are "real" people, the tan they get is not from a salon, it comes from working outdoors
The ladies hands, are like mine, broken nails, strong and weary, ha!ha! I've had a manicure and pedicure a few times as a treat plus getting older, the eyes wouldn't do well with seeing them as good as a salon girl, ha!ha!
I like being removed from the fast pace, material world.
My family and dogs mean the most to me
Keep your own world in your heart, click off the stuff that peeves us, that discipline takes some working but it gets easier to do, like changing a channel on the TV.
Wish I had some words of support, but instead wanted to share the fact that there are many people that like and dislike the same things or different things . . . best we can do is "change" the channel, being that we can't change the world or society.
Things are so diverse, it's like having cable vs basic stations that came through the "old" antennaes we used to have on our homes back in the earlier, simpler times.
Take care and try to hang in there . . . the celebrities you mentioned, well they are "plastic" and I rather be the real me if I was given a choice of who and what I want to look like, guess I do have decent self-esteem after all, eh?

Sincerely,
DE

((((((((((((((( for you ))))))))))))))))

[darkeyes]

that's a cool saying
and your reply is too

DE