Hopeless

I hope that you will be able to post again here. It does sound like you have something to say!

Urg. I'm so nervous about tomorrow and going back to school... I seriously ate way too much, like I'm physically ill from eating so much. It's times like this if I wonder if my brain has a "shut-off" switch to create that full sensation. Maybe I just ignore it unconsciously? Who knows.

Haha, it's pretty much just something I ignored. Should've figured I'd do something like this, huh...?

I'm pretty pathetic. I had three weeks off school and didn't even do anything fun. Heck, I didn't even do anything productive! Pretty much just wasted my life and didn't accomplish anything I'd wanted to...

I don't know--I mean, I don't know how to go about doing positive things for myself. I suppose it just means I'm selfish. I've tried therapy before, I tried journalism, playing an instrument, volunteering... I don't know, my journal failed because I felt stupid, like my writing was too stupid to even waste paper on it... so that stopped. And I stopped playing music because--well, I guess because I didn't feel like I was progressing or had any chance of making anything out of it... I think I do a lot of things like that--put a lot of effort into things and starting new projects, but abruptly stopping/forgetting to finish things.

I'd like to put my energy and focus into something positive... but maybe it all just goes back to my "inherently evil" hypothesis, which ultimately leads to self-sabotage? Because if I can't do something right, I might as well not do it at all...

But, then again, maybe it's just the binge talking.

Dear Whoswho ~ I hear you, I hear you, I hear you!!!! I don't seem to have an "I'm full" mechanism which they say signals you to stop eating. Much like a horse, I could probably eat until I simply died of the bloat. What happened to my "I'm full" mechanism? Some say that stuffing down food is equivalent to stuffing down feelings or words that we are too anxious to express. ?? Some say it is the comfort of foods that make us overeat. Of course, eating in front of the tv or while reading is a no-no, and this I inevitably do - always have. My blessed mother was a healthy eater but amply provided sweets for the family, thinking of this as love. I took to it quite readily and still have not fully accepted the link between the beloved sugar and the consequential acne. Exercise is near impossible, due to the anergia of depression and a back injury. I feel more in control when I eat nothing, too, and I can go from one extreme to the other. I wonder if there is such a thing as a bipolar eating disorder? hmmmmm. When eating nothing, I lose my appetite in a few days but have to take to my bed for lack of energy. Eventually, visions of dying as a bag of bones forces me to the refrigerator. A taste of the right food triggers me to finish up everything edible within reach. Then comes the guilt. You have friends and kin here at PC. I hope to hear more from you. I know about hopelessness, but I cannot rid myself of the determined thought that both you and I have some reason to be here - to go through this. In sincere friendship - billieJ
P. S. I hated gym, too. Hated it!

So it sounds like binging is a coping mechanism. You are very nervous about school, and bingeing helps you cope.

I didn't realize that you were still off of school, I'm sorry to have brought this up.

I am very interested in your tone of voice here. I've read a good deal of your writing recently, , and you don't always have this self-deprecatory tone. Bingeing makes you feel ashamed, right? So bingeing helps in the very short run but brings shame and self-reproach after that.

It seems that when you feel that you've made a mistake, you often treat that mistake as justifying a blanket self-condemnation. Yes?

I should have been more clear, I'm sorry. I meant more to talk about managing negative emotions during times of great stress. So journalism, playing an instrument may be great and helpful generally, but perhaps they don't help you in times of great stress. At those times, self-soothing, distraction is more in order. Maybe at those times you could indeed journal--as a way of venting, not as a way of writing something great.

Maybe you could use some of these ideas during times of great stress:

distraction with hobbies, friends, family, crosswords, stuff you like that can keep you busy;
self-soothing with the senses (such as preferred music, shower, cuddly animals, pillows),
new focus such as imagining a happy place, focusing on a higher power, tensing and the relaxing muscles sets one at a time),
mindfulness (specifically being aware of everything around you--what you see, what you smell, what you are touching, what you hear).

I don't see how having difficulty coping with great stress, which is a nearly universal human condition, makes you selfish. Again: having a problem is not a reason for blanket self-condemnation.

These projects: do you start them because you like them?

Let's go through them: do you like playing an instrument? Do you like to write a journal? Do you like journalism? Do you like whatever volunteering you were doing?

What do you actually like? For example: I think that you like reading. Can simply liking something, liking reading, be a sufficient justification to do it?

What do you mean by right?

Remember that having trouble, not reaching perfection, not even being very good for a long time, is normal. TS Eliot even wrote about it:

http://oldpoetry.com/opoem/show/2362...-2--East-Coker

So here are my questions: 1. What could self-soothe during times of great stress? 2. What do you or might you like to do when not faced with great stress?