[aimeesh]

I got better... sort of... for a while there. I still had all of the self-hatred issues but I was starting to eat normal again. Now im not.... and it makes me HAPPY. I'm so confused as to why it makes me happy to starve myself until i look disgusting.... at least to everyone else. To me i looked beautiful.... well my body anyway. Now that I've had a child and I'm back to a normal weight.... it's all coming back. it's on my mind every day.

the other night my boyfriend used it against me in one of our fights. he called me disgusting and how i puke all the time. I tried to tell him i don't do that anymore (i really don't!) and he said he "wasn't stupid".

I hate that he did that to me. I have a boyfriend who is verbally abusive and my biggest mistake was confiding in him about my eating disorder history. He uses it against me in a fight because he knows it hurts me the most. Once he called me a 300lb fat disgusting cow. (i was 155lbs) ....i wanted end it there.

i don't know how to deal with his hateful words on top of me already having those thoughts about myself in my head. It makes me think.... if he's saying what i believe to be true in my head.... it MUST be true. ....he always regrets saying hurtful things but I'll never forget it. any of it. ever.

[Isabella12]

your boyfriend is purposely throwing low-blows to hurt you. this is not respectful of your wellbeing and is an immature and cruel way of fighting with you. if you wish to continue your relationship with him, perhaps he should read up a bit on ED or visit some websites aimed towards friends and family living with an eating disordered loved one. i hope this is just and example of his ignorance rather than a complete disregard of you as his partner. one thing that helped me get through to a partner like this was to write him a letter. I never got to get my point across during an argument because he was so mad that he wouldn't listen to my side at all. being forced to read something is one way of making sure they hear you. good luck to you and take care.

[aimeesh]

haha, that's actually what i do, i write him letters because if i try to talk he gets angry and defensive,

[Bill3]

I also saw your thread about verbal abuse. Throwing an ED at you certainly is a form of abuse, and abusers often are or seem to be remorseful after being abusive.

In thinking about whether to continue your relationship with him, keep in mind that your child is going to learn what is "normal" in relationships by observing how you and your boyfriend interact.

Do you have a T who could help you think about why ED might seem to make you feel happy?

[sharon123]

The statistics are 1 in 3 women are being abused.....I suggest educating yourself (as I did) and read: THe Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

Abusers are excruciatingly insecure, and their key issue is CONTROL. Once you "get" what is going on, etc....you can make some good choices for your life. Abusers rarely change (I stayed with one for 31 years)

[aimeesh]

he had his first anger management class tonight. he said he likes it so far! (he called me on their half-point break)

and i didnt weigh myself once today. it's killing me but im making myself not worry, or at least not feel pain from what i see.

i ran out of klonopin last night too, kind of stressed about that because it's always like "who knows?" when i'll get more with prescription authorizations. .....the crap doesnt even work well. i already know what works. lorazapam or whatever. but im afraid to ask by name and then have them think im an addict. i truly dont abuse my pills. i just happen to have a "friend" who has the script for it and lent me some before i got help

[matt c]

Only just read this post..........I HATE it when people are cruel.....I mean what the ****?....breaks your heart

Well, I suppose if he's going to anger management, then at least he recognises he's got a problem and is willing to try to do something about it! (unless its from a court order?)

You posted that you were having a bad 'fat day' after all this. But then that you had an interview you were looking forward to.

So how have things been since?

hang in there,


Mat C

[aimeesh]

i had my job interview and it went well and i was super excited but right now im holding back on the excitement because i'm too afraid to get my hopes up. I'm supposed to find out tomorrow whether or not i get a second interview/job offer.... or if it's a "sorry, you weren't picked" again.