[SWA 1971]

I was in therapy from Dec. 2007-Aug. 2009 for anorexia (& OCD, which I'm on medication for). I'm close to the goal weight my dietician set for me, but still afraid to get there. I look at my legs & even arms everyday & think I'm fat, even though I'm not & I never have been. I feel like I have body dysmorphic disorder. I want to relapse, but know if my parents found out, they'd not be happy. I'm sure my psychologist, dietician, & psychiatrist would be upset, too. I don't know what to do.

[darkrunner]

I don't know what to do.

SWA,
You should keep going and working on recovering.
It is normal to have those feelings of wanting to relapse.
Gaining is ridiculously hard.
I know what it feels like to feel fat even though you logically know you are not. Try to focus on the logical thoughts.
Most people with ED have distorted views of what they look like, but keep focusing on being healthy.

You said you were in therapy until August - are you still seeing a T? It helps to have someone to talk to about this stuff.

Don't give up. It is hard but you are worth it.

[Perna]

SWA, I'm sorry you are struggling at this time. Maybe this can help?

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/T...a_Relapse.html

[cherry.candy]

I have anorexia, and I have to say, its a "Normal" thing for anorexics to have BDD, I have it aswell, and most anorexic people I know also have BDD, its actually apart of the condition.

I think you need to keep fighting no mtter how hard things are and get, your doing great already, dont give up on your hard work.

I know its difficult I really do.

But keep talking to people. Keep reaching out.

[Lisa Michelle]

Could you look in the mirror less? Seems when you look in the mirror you scrutinise what you look like, you think you look fat and this makes you feel bad. So.. perhaps NOT looking in the mirror in the first place could help those other things not happen? It has helped me a lot. I have a full length mirror in my room and have moved it so I can't see myself properly in it (I do keep moving it back out to check but that's not really my intention).
I think it might really help you. You know looking in the mirror will make you feel bad, and right now maybe there's not a way to look in the mirror and feel ok, so take away the mirror and you can take away the feeling bad, to an extent.

My therapist told me only look in the mirror to check your outfit looks ok. Don't let yourself stand there pointing out bits that look fat and finding reasons to feel bad about how you look.

I'm my goal weight now and I do feel fat when I look in the mirror, but I'm trying to change the image I see, trying to exercise so I look more toned and fit, it's slow but it is helping me gradually to accept what I look like, I feel like if I'm exercising I still have some control over what I look like.

[SWA 1971]

Thanks, everyone. I'm actually not in therapy anymore, darkrunner. I did read the article, Perna. Lisa Michelle, that's a good idea. I must remember that!

It's been hard recovering because I felt like this was my identity. I feel like it's the only thing I'm good at. I even wanted to go inpatient, & could have, & have a feeding tube. My psycholgist said she didn't want that for me. I'd even had dreams of ED! Once, I dreamt I got down to ** pounds & my dietician (I don't know why my psychologist wasn't in my dream) threatened to admit me. I know if that had happened, they both would have admitted me! Another time, I dreamt I went to a facility in Utah. Why there, I don't know! I told an employee there I wasn't eating my snacks, & my mom made a face.

Darkrunner, cherry.candy, Perna, & Lisa Michelle, thanks again! Take care!

[Kirol]

As far as I'm concerned, the BDD is an associative disorder just as depression is.
It all usually comes hand in hand, as part of the territory.
I started out as bulimic, trying to lose some weight, then eventually found myself on a mission to pretty much outright kill myself through lack of weight. :l
Bad times. So, I figured I'd stop before I did any real damage.
I did - but ended up relapsing the year after, when I'd put weight back on. The BDD grew from there. Angry with the relapse, and apathetic and anxious about the future (will I have to fight this forever?) I grew into depression and self-harm. With things worsening, I took up Citalopram as a way of trying to help myself.

TLDR: It's an associative disorder. If you can beat the BDD, you can beat the Anorexia.