[gr8ce]

I have never been told by a professional that I have an eating disorder, but then again, I've never asked. I don't even know if I do, and I don't know anyone with an eating disorder, so I have no one to get advice from.
I love food. I mean I looooove food. But I am petrified of gaining weight. I have virtually no self esteem. I can't stand the sight of myself naked, and I won't even let my boyfriend of 5 years see me naked in the light. We had a bit of a "discussion" last night, and I brought up the fact that it sucks that we can't connect on a deeper level. HE brought up the fact that he was put off in the beginning 5 YEARS AGO because I told him I don't want to be with a guy that looks at Playboy.
Today I ate 10 grapes and a granola bar. Sometimes I just like to see how little I can get by on. A. To be thinner, and B. To challenge myself. When I don't eat I feel okay about myself...aside from the fact that I feel like a shallow jerk. When I eat a meal I feel more self conscious.
I've had extremely low self esteem ever since I was a child...so this goes way back. In the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, he called me fat. Twice. After the first time, I cried, and tried to explain to him that I can't handle that. He said he was joking. About a month later, he did it again. I know I'm not that big...but I'm short, so the fat that I do have has no where to go. I feel like I'm big. I have never in my life made myself throw up, because there is nothing on this planet that I hate more than throwing up. But sometimes I wish I could. I don't really think I'm anorexic because I DO eat. Sometimes I binge, sometimes I eat normally, and sometimes I eat like I did today. Advice and/or opinions would be much appreciated.

[Sunna]

Thanks for sharing. I can sympathise. I was almost always overweight, dieting and exercising, occasionally binging and and then in panic trying to throw up (but I hated it too and never made it regular, felt awful either way though). I hadn't had many boyfriends. I was not looking hard, so it was rather by accident that I even met any. But they wanted to see me. I didn't understand. Why would they, to humiliate me or something? I saw myself as so disgustingly fat and ugly, and couldn't bear being looked at. It did not make for a good relationship, when my belief in my ugliness was so unshakable that it would refuse the Truth staring out at me from lover's eyes.

What you have is a problem, even if it doesn't match exactly anorexia or bulimia format. It is still the same. Ask yourself if you would be quite as devastated if your boyfiend called you clumsy, instead of fat.

It is this whole vicious circle, where we feel so incomplete and worthless that we need to be loved by someone or else we may die, but also we believe that in order to be loved we have to have bodies that look certain way, and we always compare, always find faults, always try to fix them, or hide them, and feel like frauds, feel like if we let the guy discover our deception we won't be loved, we will be nothing...

Or something like that.

I don't have a solution. We hear, that we have to learn to accept our bodies, to love ourselves, no matter what shape body we have. We are NOT the body, but we came to believe that that's in fact all we are, or that it is the only thing that count where the most important thing, i.e. love and acceptance is concerned.

There is help. There are groups. There are programs to help us develop healthy relationship with our body, with our selves, with our eating. I can assure you of one thing, whatever progress you can make along the way to better self-esteem the better your relationship with your boyfriend will be. If you are scared that your he may decide you are to fat to be loved, that gets to be wearing on him, don't you think? And he would really love it if you became uninhibited and he could see your sexiness. Guys are visual, he would love to explore your body in full light, just ask him.

[gr8ce]

Sunna, Thank you so much for that.