Not always a 'conscious' effort to purge?

Hi,
I'm not 100% sure I'm posting in the right place, as this may have more to do with anxiety than an ED, but I'm not sure...

Please bear with me! Okay, as well as severe depression and anxiety, I know I have issues with food. I haven't ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but it's not something I've discussed with anyone other than my therapist, to whom I've expressed my concerns (though we haven't yet really addressed it - not sure if this is because she doesn't think it's a big problem, whether it's because it's not her area of expertise, or because I have bigger problems right now and it's not the 'reason' I sought her help... and, she's away at the moment. She did ask me if I thought I was bulimic, but I told her I didn't think I purged enough to be considered so.)

I've battled with my weight since being young, and I've gone through cycles of undereating, overeating, bingeing, and purging. I don't think I have a healthy relationship with food at all. At my worst I was purging around 4 or 5 times a week. Sometimes I won't purge for a long while, months at a time.

My anxiety has really increased in the last year or two, and I've noticed it's really impacted the way I eat and feel about food. I've found that I'm sticking to particular foods, and that other foods repulse me. The depression meds I'm on - and the need to comfort eat - have caused me to gain weight, and this has caused me great distress, meaning I've started to purge again with some more regularity.

What has started to happen though, which worries me, is that sometimes I'll be sick after eating, without really 'meaning' to. I've found that sometimes this is connected to particular foods - cooked meals, grilled food particularly, veggie burgers being one example. (I like grilled food, and I like veggie burgers, so I'm not sure why.) Sometimes when I'm eating I start to feel anxious, and start feeling sick - after small amounts, so not the typical binge that would make me want to be sick. (Because I get panic attacks, I've learned in CBT before about nausea just sometimes being a feeling connected to this, that it doesn't mean I will be sick, and so I try and think myself out of it that it's not 'real'... so it shocks me when I have actually been sick.) One time, merely being presented with a plate of food made me feel suddenly very ill, (feeling like I was going to faint/ going hot and cold/ nausea) and I couldn't eat anything, despite the fact I'd been feeling hungry.

I guess my question is: is this anxiety caused by my issues with food, and some kind of unconscious thought that I should be purging it, that the food is not 'safe'... or is this not to do with any eating disorder at all, just an unrelated symptom due to an anxiety problem?

Do those with bulimia always choose to vomit by inducing it by sticking something down their throat, or can the urge to vomit follow eating, and happen without their control?

Anyone with any experience like this? Can anyone shed any light?
I appreciate your reading this and any responses, thank you

(I included trigger icon just to be safe)

How we think about food can cause some eating difficulties, we can "think" ourselves into them. I was reading about a woman who thought she might choke, did, and from then on had trouble with eating because she feared choking. That sounds a little similar to what you are doing with worrying about vomiting?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...1002/fear-food

Thanks for replying, interesting link.

In this case though I think it's more a physical feeling, my body's reaction - something I try to 'think' my way out of. I'll feel sick, but tell myself it's not real, it's just panic, I won't be sick - but then I'm still sick. Sometimes I don't get to the bathroom in time because I'm not believing it will happen, that it's actually 'all in my head'...

Like the anxiety - I don't feel like I'm being 'consciously' anxious, not going around being actively scared of things or situations - but my body is still producing that reaction, running on masses of adrenaline - for what I deem to be no real reason.

I feel like my body is betraying me, acting against me... does this make sense?

I have the same problem. I spent many years being bulimic. Soon I could just will myself to throw up. The body becomes so accustomed to throwing up after meals that it begins to do so automatically. It could also be really severe acid reflux (also common with bulimia). However, it will go away the longer you go without throwing up.

Good luck.

My nausea is pretty much automatic, even just thinking about what groceries to buy at the store will trigger it. I think it can become so second nature that it's not really a conscious choice anymore, like chain smokers who light up without even noticing.