[meowsers]

hi all

i don't have anorexia/bulimia, but have a complex issue with food. ok, i don't eat sometimes, because i hate my body. not for being too fat, but i feel like, i don't want to be nourished. i have borderline pd and cyclothymia, which keeps me busy on the stress / depression / mood swing front. when i'm hypomanic i don't want to eat because i'm too busy doing things, and when i'm depressed i'm too tired to eat, but when i'm stable, lol, which doesn't happen much, i just plain don't want to eat

what i'm wondering is if it's more to do with not wanting nourishment, than the mood swing stuff

i find i have much more energy when i don't eat and that it can trigger hypomania - much better than the depression - and alos, i feel 'less' emotional - maybe when you're so hungry, hunger is all you can think about, and it blocks out the emotional stuff?

i do look at my bottom and my thighs and think - yuck - but i'm a size 6 and there are equally times when i look at myself and think, ooh, you're disgustingly thin

my urge to eat loads and the urge to eat nothing come and go a bit like the moods. interestingly, i was on epilim for a week a while back and instantly became really hungry (cos it does that) and didn't mind eating at all. i was happy to put on weight.

i just wanted to ask, do you feel better when you don't eat? it sounds so perverse, but i really think i do

it's almost like deep down i fear food, and think i don't need it anyway

oooh. complex. confused. sorry. i'm trying not to lie but i think i lied a lot!

[meowsers]

sorry. i don't really know why i posted it - what i want to hear / need to hear. just trying to work it out. think it through.

x

[backandforth]

well I think there's things you can do if you don't eat b/c of the mood swings but if, like you said, it's more b/c you hate your body and dont' feel like you deserve nourishment, then that's a whole other issue... it doesn't sound like you have a healhty or stable body image, even though it also sounds like your body is just fine... that's the thing w/ ed's though, they play w/ your mind... and yeah you could def. be focusing on the hunger and eating/not eating instead of your emotions... have you ever heard of ednos? this could be an example of one... do you have a T? can you discuss this w/ him/her? there are so many reasons as to why you're feeling this way, I think talking to someone who knows where you're coming from (history, diagnosis etc.) would be a great help. If you fear food (possibly weight gain), obsess about it and your body, have a distorted body image, crave food and then go without it frequently, I'd definitely say you have stuff to figure out... honestly, I don't know what else to say then go and talk to your therapist or someone else about this.. espec. b/c you yourself seem to be quite confused as to what you're saying & what the truth is etc... only you know that . hope it all goes well.

[meowsers]

hey backandforth

i do havea T - it's her who brought up the whole business and i'm glad she did. cos i think i do have a problem with food somewhere along the line and i'm not too clear about it, as you say

i will raise the food issue with her. i self harm and i think it's just one of the methods i use to 'deny' or punish. but i do think there is a body image thing too. not a surprise given the bpd. i'm trying to learn how to feel good about yourself lol. it's a conscious effort.

thanks for the reply...

x

[backandforth]

well I wish you all the best and I'm glad you have a T to discuss this w/... it'll help a whole lot. si, ed's yeah they're ll coping mechanisms.... and I can guarantee you, if you have a way out, if someone is willing to help you, it IS worth it, even if it's painful to get to that point. just try to be honest and open and the rest will come....

[meowsers]

thanks dude. i'm hopeful!

x

[Junerain]

For meowsers,

I have borderline personality too. I can relate on many levels, you seem like a deep thinker you show such insight and I am a deep thinker too. You have devided the different feelings into stress, emotional, and hypomanic..perhaps keep a journal and better understand all the different aspects of each of your emotion-states. perhaps you can begin to express hypomania by artwork or emotional by writing, or stress by music. Your life would start to be colored more by hobbies and interests than by food. My other suggestion would be to take up cooking anf follow recipes to the tee, that way most recipes are healthy. Perhaps cooking cac be a tool to eat by. Or listening to music while you eat or putting on a favorite movie. You show such insight into your feelings..with such deep insight you're bound to grow into a new person. Your T might also have insights, you are in my heart and prayers.