[inkblot]

and decided to do bad things this weekend. I left T a short VM that I was up to something and it wouldn't be a good weekend, and that I was calling because I know that I won't mention it at our next appointment. And it's not likely that I'll tell him then even if he asks about it. I might be a little scared going to see him. Will be glad to be there, but afraid of that subject.

[inkblot]

I've gotten comfortable talking to T about how much I do or don't eat, but I am always hesitant to give any accurate weight (just a description like, "a little on the lower end, but ok..", if I can get away with it. But my worst fear is talking about taking laxatives, other pills, or other purging. I haven't done the "other" for a while, but I will still take pills, lax and/or diuretics, once in a while to get really cleaned out and get that thinner feeling. It's almost rare now because of my living situation. Well I did the lax thing yesterday. Not enough because I am in a hotel instead of a real home, otherwise I'd have probably done more and it would probably more of an every day occurence like it was before. I am scared to talk to T--or any doctor--about this particular subject. I am scared and it's embarrassing! I am afraid pdoc will ask next appointment in a few weeks, and maybe my primary care doc whenever I get in for a physical like he wanted. I can't say these things--I can't print this post and give it to him--I don't want anyone to know, yet I do. It makes no sense to have called my T's VM to tell him that I decided to do something bad this weekend, but I wouldn't tell him what. I wish I knew how (I could do it comfortably. Yeah, with practice, but I can't get that practice if I won't first be able to do it.

[Rhapsody]

Dear Inkblot,

One cannot HELP YOU if they do not know what the problem is....

I find when I have a hard time telling someone something they should know about that if I write it down and then give them the letter to read - all will work out for the best.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
You calling your T and leaving the message was a cry for help.... good job for being brave enough to step up and ask for another's support during a difficult (and scary) time in your life.