[Mysterygirl202]

I'll try to make this short cause i know no one likes to read long posts. Ive been struggling with food stuff for the past 6 months (im overwright though and i dont throw up) - heres a list f things i remember i do:
- restrict for a week to two weeks every month (start to lose weight then someone notcies and tells me to stop)
- then i eat a butt load of food and junk food
- i use to write things and codes on my arm to remind myself not to eat
- hide breakfast bars fom my mom and give away my lunch
- eat dinnet with the family but thats it
- if i dont count calories i feel like i will never lose weight
- weigh mtself 2x a day

Theres a few. So a frend of mine has been doing these things too but she is stonger than I am and she lasted longer and now you can see her ribs and feel her hip bones when you hug her (i know this sounds bad but my first thought was 'lucky her') and my mom freaked out. My mom is all concerned saying my friends mom is being blind when my mom doesnt notice when I do the same thing. The only difference is i believe my friend developed an eating disorder because she went so far whereas i dont think I do because im still stinkin overweight. I dont know what to think... I dont kmow why im jealous but i am... And i wish i could be strong like my friend... But i dunno what to do anymore because ive been meetig with a teacher from my school who is holding me accountable...

And i know she would notice and not be happy if I stopped eating again.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

An ED is not about weight. It's about disordered thinking. You are clearly showing signs of a problem - if not yet a full blown ED, then you're coming dangerously close. Talk to any one of us old timers ... I've struggled for the last 26 YEARS and we'd tell you run, don't walk, to the nearest counselor. If you're "just" overweight, they'll help you realize that that isn't the end of the world and can be changed over time with moderate exercise and a steady intake of the right amount of food for your lifestyle.

If you are on your way to developing an ED, you need help to understand why you think you are so unworthy as to want to disappear. You need to find your voice so that you can trust yourself to say what you feel, instead of bottling it up or stuffing it down with food.

It's not strength that you're admiring in your friend, it's ILLNESS. It's like admiring someone elses' cancer cells. You do not want to go there.

See a school counselor. Talk to your parents or a priest/rabbi/iman/shaman - anyone you trust, but do it this week. You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't follow this advice...which remember, you asked for.

[Mysterygirl202]

Thankbyou for taking the time to reply! I do appreciate it. I have been talking to a teacher of mine for a few weeks who has been helping me oit a lot. She suggests i talk to my parents bcuz a lot of the things they say are what kinda sets me off intothis mindset. Im not sure if i will talk to them. What do u think? I dunno. A part of me keeps saying i don have ajy problem at all. Or I i doits not big enough to worry about.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Y know the part that compels you to write in this forum? Listen to it.
Y know that part that thinks it's not big enuff to worry about. Ignore it.
Simple, but not easy

I'm glad you're talking to a teacher, but I would encourage you to talk to someone else (also) who has worked with people who have EDs (or may be on the cusp of an ED).

Best of luck and don't be a stranger here. We care.

[Yoda]

Mysterygirl, could you ask for a referral to a dietitian to help you make a workable menu? You don't have good eating habits now and if you had a plan to follow you could develop good habits. I met with a dietitian and she started by asking me what foods I like to eat and we worked from there.

[Mysterygirl202]

I will continue to try and fogure this whole thing out. I appreciate it. I will see about tlking to someone else. Thanks for your help. A dietition sounds nice.. But expensive... Not sure we have the funds for anything.

[gma45]

Mysterygirl202, I am glad you are talking to your teacher. Do you have other things you do during the day then think about you weight? I think you need to talk with your Mom so she knows what is going on, I am sure she loves you and would help you in any way she could if she only knew, Please try if you can. I suggest you enjoy your school years you may think they are rough now, but later you may look back at them as the best days of your life! talk with ya later.

[cowlover22]

Well if you are unable to talk to your parents(I know you have your teacher) what about a school counslor? Some places depending on where you live have sliding scales for fees based on what you can afford. Trust me my ribs, hips and everything stck out and I am not happy. Think I would learn after just about dying a coup;e times from this disease, but truely it is not worth it. I have been this way 25 years and you really dont want to be like this. Get help while you are young and before it gets to bad. And if you are concerned about being overweight..instead of going weeks where you only eat very little.n Are you really overweight is my next question? I think I am over weight..so are you really or is it just something you believe. I hope you are able to find some help. If you saw my pics you would be grossed out..most people are. I am but I see the opposite of them. There is more to you than your weight and your looks..rememeber that..and see if your friend will get some help. I cant even begin to tell you how much damamge I have done to my body..permanent! Plaese be good to yourself and get some more help.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way mystery. I remember when I was on my "diet" the last time. I thought I was so "strong" I thought it took such strength to restrict as much as I did. But when you think about what you're really doing... You're running from yourself. You can't leave your body, you can't leave your mind so you put so much thought into this and so much energy into this that it takes away a lot of those negative thoughts when you "succeed" at it. But doing this is anything but strong. I didn't realize that until I overcame this disease.

I wont give details of how I managed to lose as much weight as I did because I have noticed some people will use those as a new way for them to lose weight and I don't want that. You think you are being so strong and strict with yourself when you do this but really you are killing yourself. People told me this when I was on my diet and I didn't listen to them then so I don't really expect you to listen to me now but trust me, it's not worth it. Not to mention it's not the most effective way to lose weight anyways.

I'm not sure if I would have been considered legally dead or not.. The doctors weren't there when it happened but the emergency room doctor told me after speaking to the people I work with, that if their stories were true I would have been legally dead. I fainted. Never done it before but out of no where I fainted and stopped breathing. The people at my work said that I had stopped breathing for over 3 minutes. I believe it's like 2 minutes and 58 seconds and you're pronounced dead. When I tell others now what happened I only tell them 2 minutes because I hate to think it got that close... I'm assuming someone I worked with performed CPR. I only remember a few minor details of coming back out of it. Slowly hearing peoples voices and I opened my eyes and could barely see anyone. After about 2 minutes words started to form from the voices and the blurs became people again. The ambulance came and it went from there.

They never found the cause for this... But at that point they did not know how much I was restricting. I was overweight when I started the diet so I was about average when this happened so they never could have thought... Then I saw a doctor months later... I continued the diet until I lived at home with my daughter alone. One night my heart started beating really fast. I started to get chest pain and out of no where it felt like my heart had stopped beating. It only lasted about 2 seconds and then I felt it beat again. And it started beating slowly. I went to my doctor and the first thing she asked me was how much I was eating... No doctor had ever thought maybe I was restricting before (even when I was clinically 30 pounds underweight). I didn't tell her that day that I restricted but when I got home she had me thinking about it more and the next day I called and set up an appointment with her for 2 days later. At that appointment I came clean. She ordered blood work 2 times a week because my blood work from the previous appointment wasn't too good. She sent me to a nutritionist and set me up with an ED therapist. She explained that my ED had caused me to have an irregular heart beat and she believed that I could have angina pectoris because of this (which considerably raises your chances of having a heart attack at a young age) diet that I had been on. I've had an ED since I was about 7.

I remember hearing my mom saying her ideal was the perfect weight. I got down to a low weight and that was the worst of my ED. Every bone in my body stuck out and I looked like a dinosaur if you looked at my back. But I still wasn't happy. Then when I hit 19 I started eating to fill the "void" when I was in a depression. I ate and ate and ate and got up to a higher weight (after I had my daughter). The restricting then eating then restricting again really messed up my heart. The heart is the largest muscle in the body, so naturally when your body goes into starvation mode and starts feeding off your muscles, it's going after your heart first. That's what the doctor told me and it kind of struck home for me since I was having heart troubles. I realized if anything happened to me my daughter would be alone so since 2 years ago and I had those doctors I haven't gone back.

It's not something you want. When I was on the pro ana sites I thought I could stop it any time. I could go back to eating healthy and everything would be fine. But when you let it go on for so long... It starts to become a part of you. You think about it non stop, you revolve your life around it, you obsess and it consumes you.

I stopped the diet and decided to start eating better. At first I started to over eat and was eating all the things I had restricted and quickly shot back up in weight. Once I got to the nutritionist I had gone back down to restricting because I had weighed myself lol (something you should only do once a week) she didn't make me eat too many calories to begin with. She just had me basically double what I was eating and spread it out into 5 meals. Then when I was comfortable with that we would gradually add a little bit more food every dAay. I started eating like a banana with yogurt for breakfast, around 10am I would eat a snack that would typically be a small bag of chips or the mini rice cakes etc. Lunch would be a sandwhich with something on the side at 1pm. Then at 4pm I would bake chicken or something healthy and pretty good like that. Spinach and another veggie on the side. I lost weight in less than a month doing it this way and the nutritionist was happy. My bloodwork came back good. And I lost the weight.

I wasn't down to my mothers ideal weight, the number that has been in my head... But I'm so much happier. A slight line here or there to enhance a bone or two can make a girl feel more sexy yes... But when the bone actually pokes out, it reminds people more of a skeleton.In reality healthy is so much more sexy than unhealthy in both ways in honesty. I'm not saying a really big girl is not as sexy as me because she is not thin and I'm not saying the same about thin girls, what I am saying is that looking healthy will make anyone look more sexy. Not looking like a twig and not being over weight. The reality is, when you are healthy you look better. Your eyes don't sink in from the lack of nutrition, your bones aren't ready to stab anyone, you have a lot more color in your cheeks, and if you're lucky you can get a booty or chest... I don't have them but a lot of healthy girls do...

As I've said before and the one thing that I had to keep reminding myself of when I was trying to get better... Change your self image, not your actual image. If you change the way you think of yourself, you will naturally start taking care of yourself and making yourself healthy. You just have to love you! I know a lot of people love you, and a lot of people on PC love you, you just have to learn to love yourself and the rest will fall into place.

As for your friend.... If you two are real true friends you should be helping eachother be healthy so you can live long full lives, not comparing to contribute to the ED. If she's got an ED as you say, she is just as unhappy with herself as you are with yourself. If she loved herself, you wouldn't feel her rib cage as much and she wouldn't feel the need to show it as much to feed into her "accomplishment" of killing herself... I've been there I know...

[ShaggyChic_1201]

I love PC and cannot imagine not seeing you guys, but this thread was very triggering to me.

I'm sorry - i just learned bad news and am taking it out on you. Sorry.

[Mysterygirl202]

Thanks! I dont understand why this is so hard and why i keep thinkong about it.
Purpleflyingmonkeys- thank youfor taking so much time to message me that. The thought of bones sticking oit- thats sounds so freaky. I guess i've told myself that once i get down to the ideal weight I will be happy and I wont let it get to being underweight . I appreciate your story and I hope you stay happy and healthy

Btw i am overweoght

[Mysterygirl202]

Ps: bubsmiley i am sorry!

[Brokenwings73]

You definitely sound like your flirting with danger. It's never good to make it a competition beuause someone is always going to get hurt. Your friend sounds like she needs people reaching pit to her like you do kudos for getting a counselor involved. I've battled this disease for 31 years and it's consumed me my thought my choices and I have nit had the engaging progressive life that I thought I would. You sound impressionable and that with the right team the could get you on a path so you are happy with you and Still able to reach healthy goals. Peace and good will!

[brokenlegsofthelamb]

when i read posts with people's numbers relating to eating disorders i ALWAYS compare
myself to them. and no matter what my dr. or psychiatrist say, i still think i'm fat. sorry, purpleflyingmonkeys, it probably wasn't your intention to "trigger" anyone. the medical side of your post unfortunately doesn't register as much as the other stuff does.

[Christina86]

Hi folks, please do remember to post within our Community Guidelines and our guidelines specific to this forum - to not post numbers relating to weight, calories, BMI and other numbers that could be triggering to other members dealing with eating disorders.

I am re-opening this thread, but please keep this in mind from here on out.

Cheers!

Christina

[Mysterygirl202]

Sorry about that. Numbers are super triggering (still not suing I have an eating disorder though)