[ThePainNeverDies]

I'd hoped it wouldn't because I've been doing so well and I've been keeping my weight steady, but it seems my head has other ideas. ED is back, wanting fast weight loss, quick results, wanting to feel the hunger pang and the weakness that goes with it.

Since I got back on track with food, I've noticed that any time I let myself get to feeling starving, I get to be a not so nice person to be with. I get angry, I start stomping around and I whinge and don't want to do anything. I basically just make people not want to be around me or even talk to me. Looking at myself when I'm like that, I think 'is that what I was constantly like when I wasn't putting enough in?' Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't.

I'm finding myself cutting down what I'm eating again. I rarely count calories, but I am really terrible for picking certain brands of yoghurt or certain flavours because they have less calories/saturated fat. I've learned that calories are energy so for me, calories aren't a problem. The biggest problem for me is fat and saturated fat. I try to keep them as low as I possibly can and ALWAYS opt for fat free foods or very low fat foods. That's how it was, anyway.

Now, like today, I'm upping my intake of fruit, veg and salads and drinking litre after litre of water just to stop myself from going and eating a proper meal. Even when I do make meals for my partner, I go and cut my finger meaning I can't do anything anyway. Eurgh, I feel so useless! Can't get anything right...

I'm so fed up of feeling fat and like I'll never get a good career out of the one thing I never thought I'd do in the first place.. Modelling. My ED has been surprisingly good to me since I started modelling, but it seems I'm just not cut out for recovery somehow..

I'm really struggling with everything at the moment. Yesterday I wanted to kill myself, today I'm forcing the cut I just accidentally made, to bleed more than it needs to and I miss my Birth Dad, my Foster Dad and the friends I've lost. I feel so alone with everything and just like there's no-one there for me when I need them, even though I'm there for them as much as I can be.

I'm so stressed with money and I just can't do this anymore. I know I'm taking on too much, but at the same time I feel like I have to because no-one else will take anything on for me... It's like my job is to fix everything that's broken and to stop all the non-broken stuff from breaking, to keep everyone else happy.

Just so tired of all this and all I can do is restrict and avoid food or purge

[Lizabelle]

I can't help except to say please get a T or someone professional you can talk to. Lots of s and
You can make it through, you just need someone to help you.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you for your reply.

It seems this week I've been doing better with it but after a comment made by a photographer and after stepping on the scales this morning, I fear it's not going to last long.

A friend last week said she was glad to see me eat the first proper meal she'd seen me eat all week because I'd been eating only salads and fruit all week - she said she'd started to get worried.. I just said I'm being healthy, which I'm trying to do but it seems I'm not really. I'm stuffing in 4 fruits a day along with 7 different types of salad/vegetables. I can't help it, it just makes me feel cleansed in some way, somewhat healthier. It doesn't appear to have affected my brain or anything *yet* it's just made me quite tired. I can still keep up with training and such.

I don't like people worrying about me, but I also really don't like feeling as fat as I did last week. I felt awful, so I just covered it up as much as I possibly could. Then at work there was a discussion about eating disorders where one of the girls made a throw away comment which really got to me, so I sat there and just looked across at my friend, with raised eyebrows. She said that I should've stood up and told her that she was basically sl*gging ME off by *****ing about all the women out there with EDs, but I didn't. I just kept quiet, said nothing and let it continue to get to me. No idea why. Maybe because I feel like a fake a lot of the time, I really do.

It seems at the moment that they gym is my stress outlet which yes, I know can be dangerous with someone like me, but it seems to be the only thing that stops me getting so down about myself. I feel like a fat, lazy, disgusting frump right now and until I go to the gym I will continue to feel like that.

Eurgh, what a week

[Lizabelle]

Aww Sorry to hear you had a bad week. It can really hurt when others make negative comments, but try to combat them with some positive self-talk. Sounds cheesy, but it can work.
Lots of s

[ThePainNeverDies]

My week's getting more and more difficult by the hour. Today my food intake has been very, very low. Just a handful of chicken and some fruit and a bit of veg, nothing else has gone in. I've just not felt like it in all honesty, I've just not wanted to face food..

Everyone knows things are bad when Kirsten starts to struggle with food, when she starts to cut out carbs, sugar and anything that could have an ounce of fat in... But everyone thinks little Miss TPND can just get over it. It gets harder every single time but no-one seems so bothered about that, everyone seems to think I'm in a little bubble that they can just pull me in and out of whenever they want/need me. It's frustrating because yes, I am in my own little bubble but more often than not, it's a bubble of depression, starvation and general misery, a bubble of bad memories that I only want to get rid of.

I had a few dreams last night. One, I found an old favourite jumper and it was like brand new, so I wore it all the time. The second one, I found a yellow and black vase that had broken. The top had chipped, a massive chunk had been chipped off the top and on the opposite side on the bottom, the same had happened. Leaning against it also broken, was a glass statue of a (I think?) cat, that had caused this vase to break as it fell off a surface..
The last was one I really didn't want to have, one I couldn't stop thinking about. It was a dream about the person who attacked me, coming back to get me like he said he would. Sneaking into my room at night, following me on the street, hiding at work and following me there. Eurgh. Now I can't shake the fear. I smile and laugh at work but inside, the anxiety leaves me tired and falling asleep by lunch time. It's awful

I'm so afraid at the moment and I know I'm slipping really badly and crashing, but I can't seem to save myself anymore.