20 years and its back?

When I was in high school and college, I used to do many things to lose weight... severe restriction...which led to overeating when I couldn't take it anymore... which I woud usually vomit... that was how I viewed it.. I didn't think of it as eating disorder... After I married and started working and having kids....I didn't really have too big of an issue....seems to have leveled out... although I was progressively gaining weight..

20 years later... I go to this dr who puts me on a restrictive diet...not so much with the amount of food but the types of food since I am "insulin resistant"... I loved it.. there is such a "pleasure" that I get out of denying myself food...I stayed faithfully on it for 6 months ...

Then I had a stressful event happen and I went off the deep end... I told a friend that i was so upset this weekend...I was eating nonstop and ate so much I vomitted... and she called it "bingeing and purging".. i've never thought of it as that... could this really be an ED? how could it have been okay for so long?

So now... its a daily struggle to not give into the urge to purge even if I haven't eaten a lot of food..... i'm really want to go back on the diet it helped with so many of my other health issues but now I'm worried... will the extreme restriction lead to another binge? Why do I get such a "high" from denying myself food?

I told my T. about it but then I stopped therapy before we could talk about it...

It could have been that you had the disease in one form when you were young, then it went into remission (absence of symptoms) and then it reared its ugly head again, in a somewhat different form. It is not unheard of for psychological and psychiatric ailments to have remission periods, but, alas, they do not last forever. The stressor seemed to have triggered you. I think you know what to do - you have a plan you followed successfully for 6 months, so there is certainty with respect to the WHAT. It is a big deal - it is very good. The question is HOW - how will you find strength and motivation to go back to the plan?

Your doc put you on a restrictive diet? Did you tell him/her that you have restricted and had challenges with eating and stuff in the past? I wonder if they might have discussed a different approach toward weigh loss if they knew your background?

Usually eating disorders are a symptom of something else going on in your life-we feel that it's easier to control this part of our life than it is addressing the real challenge/isue in our life. You said you told your T - that's a great step! How did s/he respond to your concerns? Why did the session end - were you guys out of time?

How could it have been okay for so long? It was never "okay"...but maybe it just hasn't been as bad as it is now. You haven't been able to admit it was bad back then. It's not okay now and it wasn't okay then. You just were able to work through it on your own.

I think when food is restricted to a significant extent, the body starts to break down fat for energy and this gives a natural high (ketosis) and feels good. So wonder if this explains the high you feel?

I always think of having an eating disorder kind of like being an alcoholic. You might be sober for 20 years, but you're still an alcoholic. I might eat "normally" for years, then find myself puking over the fence when I take the dogs out after dinner. So it's not that we can't return to normal function, but we always have to stay mindful. I know for me that being even slightly hypogycemic makes me extremely irrational. And the first place my head goes when it's being irrational is right back into ED behavior.