Needing Help, Yet Can't Get It

Thank you. I tries accepting your friendship request but I keep getting kicked off or logged out. Not sure what I'm doing wrong. Everyday I keep failing miserably. I purged again yestrday. I took approx 20 laxatives pills, water pills, diet pills. I want so bad for this to stop, yet I don't know how. Plus no help. I consider this website my only life line I have. Again thank you for the link. :-)
Angel4024

Don't give up there should be a way you can get help. Right know I'm in the process to accept that I have a eating disorder can't help you a lot. My first appointment is next Monday if I don't die before. If your husband doesn't support you another person in the family would do. It's hard and you're right it's a challenge for people with mental illness to get the right treatment if you can't afford it or have an insurance with an excellent coverage. But don't give up!!

Thank you. It is a struggle everyday. Treatment is turning into nothing but a pipe dream. However I still do have my doctor, my therapsit and a nutrionist. Which I am paying for out of pocket. But I told them my situation and between all three I pay approx 120.00 a month. So thats not to terribly bad, it could be ALOT worse. But all 3 are telling me I need inpatient treatment. All3 are telling me I need 24/7 supervision. I'm trying to listen to the nutrionist and do what she says with the meal plan. Of course thats easier said than done. To me that meal plan is 3 days worth of food. Its alot to me. But she wants me to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. Yeah right. Thats a joke. I do that and then I end up purging or using even more laxatives or excrise even more that day. Anyway good luck to you and I pray you get the help you need.
Angel4024

Just wondering how it's going?

Hi when and if you go to treatment. It's all about committment, you have to give it all, well over a 100% percent. If you can't or won't it wont work. Sometimes treatment is not the best. A lot of work and drama too. It took me getting out of all that to get the better end of the stick. Every time I saw a therapist or anyone else related to ED was making it worse. They weigh me all the time that alone was a trigger, so every week I wanted to stay sick just because I was special getting all that attention. It was a must to me to stay sick just for the high of them telling me this or that. I think it's a mind set I got better for me and to save myself. If your not ready all the treatment in the world it won't work.

Thanks. Things are not going as well as they should be. Easter I went to visit with my grandma. Which that part went well. Even my ED was under control. It was when I got home that everything went down hill from there. All the cake, candy, ice cream etc.. that was in my house did not sit well with me being in the house. Well lets just say I purged, took so many laxatives, water pills, diet pills etc.. I paniced sooooooo bad. It's been this way ever since. It's in my head that I can't gain weight. Why does it have to be this way? why can't I just be like everyone else? Why can't I just sit down and eat a meal without 20 million things running through my head. The other nite I was in tears because I just want this to be over or go away. I hate this. Yet at the same time I don't want to lose the control I have. I'm so confused it's not even funny.
Angel4024

HAVE YOU TRIED CALLING 211 INFO lINE?

My nutrionist wants to weigh me but I won't let her. I'm not comfortable with it. My doctor weighs me and that makes me worse. My doctor does not weigh me backwards so I see my weight and that drives me insane. Which makes me want to lose weight all the more. Not to smart for a doctor if you ask me. I am ready for treatment, yet at the same time I want to do this so I still have some control. But from what I've heard that can't happen. I've heard it's all or nothing. That I might have a problem with. It would probably be some conflict. Not sure. But I've also been told it's the only way I'll get any better. So I don't know.
Angel4024

Yes i have tried calling them as well. i have just within the past day or two here, I've turned over the search complelty over to my nutrionist because I can't handle anymore rejection. I'm done with it. As far as I'm concerned I'm closing the door to treatment. If my nurtionist finds something fine, but I personally am done with it. I'll just keep going to my nutrionist, my therapist and my doctor. Hopefully something will get better soon. Right now I'm just not ok. My behaviors are getting worse. Because I can't find anywhere that will take my insurnace and I keep getting turned down, I'm feeling like no one really cares and all anyone cares about is money. So why should I care? what ever happened to just help someone because they NEED IT? jeez!!!!! So for now I am giving up the search.
Angel4024

I don't know if you said where you are from, but I went to the Midwest Center for Eating Disorders in Kansas City, Missouri. There where people there from all over. One lady was from Montana. I have medicaid and was there for 2 weeks. I needed to be there longer, but because I was doing better insurance wouldn't pay for more treatment. I am still on a refeeding plan and struggling every day. My treatment team consists of my gp, t, and dietician. I have been out of the hospital almost 3 months now. At my last dietician appt I found out that I lost weight and was told that I can't lose anymore. I don't want to go back to the hospital, but if that is what it comes to then so be it. May you keep the Courage to get the help, find the Strength to fight this disease, Hope for the future, and Health for you.

I was told it depends on what state you live in is depending on what kind of funds are available and to what extent public aid. Of course I live in Illinios where theres no money anywhere. Thank you for your suggestion. I do have a nutrionist, a therapist which those I have to pay for out of my own pocket. Then I do see my doctor which is covered w/ my insurance. But I'm losing faith in this system. My team can't find anywhere for me to be and I keep getting worse not better. I can't seem to get my purging and laxative abuse under control at all. I can't handle food in my stomach what so ever. I'm still hiding some of it from my husband still. He knows about it, but doesn't know to what extent it's gotten to. I'm to scared to tell him. Because I'm up to 20 to 30 laxative pills a day I'm afraid he will freak out on me. thats not including, the water pills, diet pills, the purging and the magnesium citrate liquid I do. I can't gain any weight and I want to be thin soooooo bad. I don't know how to stop this. I need help, yet I can't get it. my nutrionist, my therapist and my doctor are still looking with no luck. They have been through LITERALLY hundreds of references & refferals w/ no luck. The more rejections i get, the worse I'm getting. Thank god I can come here to vent at least.
Angel4024

I am just curious.....what are you expecting to get out of a treatment center that your nutritionist, therapist, & Dr haven't already provided to you? A treatment center will only control every aspect of your life while you are there. Take away ALL your laxitives & every other substance you use ( cold turkey), & control your going into the bathroom after eating so you can't purge. Yes, your behavior pattern is controlled for the few weeks you are there & you can break the habits that you have gotten used to.....but what are you going to do when you get back home & are no longer living in a controlled environment? Is your desire to continue to live healthy going to be enough to keep you from going back to those unhealthy habits? In the long run, it will only make a difference if you want it to & IF YOUR DESIRE to STOP is great enough. When I was at the Radar institute, if anorexic people didn't finish every meal they were given, we were forced to drink a can of sustical. To this day, I get sick at the thought of drinking sustical or any of those nutritional drinks.

Your Dr & nutritionist have already told you the damage you are doing to your body by continuing your behavior......your therapist should be teaching you & working with you on learning skills & changing your behavior through accountability checks.
One idea I might offer is to give your Dr all your laxitives, other pills & substances you are using & write up a contract with them on a weekly basis that you will not go out & buy more, will not purge, & will eat according to the nutritionist's plan. You need someone to hold you accountable for your behavior.....getting your husband involved at this point might be a good idea also. Your behavior in a treatment center would be completely controlled no different than the contract's control.....so it shouldn't bother you that your behavior be completely controlled now if you really want to get better & you are really serious about wanting the help that a treatment center would offer.

If being rejected by the system is controlling you more then the knowledge of the damage you are doing to your body.....do you really think that a treatment center will do anything more for you than the team you are working with now? I know that sometimes we get so mad at the system that we think.....we will just show them how bad we really are by getting worse.....but does that really show the desire to get better?

I just get the feeling with your saying that the more rejections you get the worse you are getting......your expectations of what the treatment center is going to do for you may be greater than what they will actually offer you in reality.

I know it's difficult, but sometimes we have to work with what we have & find a way to MAKE IT WORK. You say "I need help, yet I can't get it".....the question you really need to ask yourself is "Do I really WANT help?"......not do you NEED it......you say you can't gain any weight & you WANT to be thin sooooooooo bad. You go to a treatment center & you WILL GAIN WEIGHT.......& you still will be thin.....you just will be healthy because that is what their aim is "a healthy weight for each individual person".....but you have to WANT the help more than your WANT to be thin sooooooooo bad that you are unhealthy......otherwise, your mind will be closed to the help they can offer you at a treatment center just as much as it's closed to the help your Doctor, nutritionist & therapist are offering you. The only difference is the complete control of your life during your time there & some people rebel at that kind of complete control also.

Just some things for you to think through while you are trying to deal with the struggles of finding a treatment center & maybe help you look at the situation a bit more realistically. Treatment centers are not miraculous fix it places unless your desire to be fixed is greater than your desire to stay broken & that desire is not something they offer, it has to come from within.

I hope you are able to start seeing your life in a different light & understand the importance of being at a healthy weight which can still look thin over your desire to be thin soooooo bad.

I have been at the point too many times where I had lost so much weight that I had become anemic & had to be in the medical hospital with a central line & IV nutrition. I thought it was better than a feeding tube....but it's a surgery they to to put the needle in your artery next to your heart....just my luck....the Dr doing the procedure one time knicked my lung with the needle & ended up in much worse shape in the hospital than just with IV nutrition. It's not worth it & IT IS NOT WISE to let our bodies get to that point as long as we have the ability to control it otherwise. I let myself get to that point the first time because I didn't care to live any longer & was in that condition a lot longer than the last time which came from a stressful trauma I had gone through & physically wasn't able to eat because of the nausea I was experiencing even though it had a psychological cause rather than a physical one. It is definitely not worth it to allow one's body to get to that point of being unhealthy & it's much better to be recognized for looking healthy & in good shape rather than looking so thin as if you are dying from cancer & passing out every time you try to do something.

I know it's a hard cycle of habits to break including the mental desire to be thin.....a treatment center can only give you the groundwork to build your desire to get better on......they can't make you get better unless you really want to.......I hope that you get to that point where you have that WANT greater than all your other desires.

Thank you and i do hear what your saying. My team of 3 are seeing me as outpatient right now and according to them I'm NOT responding to ANY of it. Do I want to go to inpatient? Well Does anyone? no I don't, however I went to see my nutrionist on monday and now not only am I bulimic but she is saying I'm now having anorexic behaviors as well. So she said I'm actually both now at this point. I am trying to do this, yet it's just not working for me at home. As much as I want to be home and do this as out patient. My nutrionists point of view is my control NEEDS to be taken away to get me under control, wean me off of the laxatives properly with medical care and having someone teach me the proper tools I need to make it as outpatient at home. Whats the difference between outpatient and inpatient, well my nutrionist seems to think I NEED to be supervised 24/7. Which I'm NOT happy about, but it is what it is. At the same time, which this may not make any sense, but a small part of me does WANT the help and does want to get better. I'm just having a hard time giving up that control. It's the fear of the unknown. I've ALWAYS been this way. For 30 years I've been this way. It's been all or nothing. I've NEVER had a medium or that BALANCE. I've been this way since I've been 14. I'm now 42. This is the ONLY way of life I've EVER known. This is NOT easy for me. I'm trying, I'm just not winning and maybe it's just time for someone to step in and help me get my feet on the ground so I can do this at home and do it the right way. I don't have all the answers and I'm scared. I have a long road ahead of me and I know that. But as long as I can get the support I need and the proper tools I know I'll have a much better chance.I'm dealing with a 30 year old eating disorder thats never been treated.
Angel4024

Angel,

I read most of this thread, I do relate with the post you just made tho. And I do completely agree with Eskielover.

Many people swing back and forth between bulimia and anorexia type behaviors, its pretty common.

I have been dealing with anorexia since I was five years old, yup just five. I saw my first ED therapist at five. I am 33 now. So I can relate to that, I barely have any memories of not being this way. I have not had in-patient therapy, I have kept myself off the radar for help most of my years. Not the best move I made. I did start out-patient a while back. No it did not hold all the answers, and honestly I do know the answers, I know how to eat healthy, I know the risks involved, I know what my triggers are, I know I need to work on my body image ect ect. What no one can give me is the desire to get well, the desire to want to be healthy more than I want to be thing, or more than I want to win perfectly with my insane self control. And that desire to want to overcome this is so much harder to get than the actual other work is.

What I am going to say might sound like huh wha??? Just hear me out and consider it as yet another tool. So I've been working on my ed for years, never made any real progress in terms of thought process. That is until I started yoga. I didn't start yoga with this intention either, It has been the one thing that has helped me more than anything. There has been a massive shift in my thought process, my body appreciation, actually it has helped correct a lot of my body dysmorphia as well. It has been the first time I have been able to maintain a healthy weight in my whole life, and actually feel good about it. It has also given me a new way to use control, focus, and decipline over my body and mind, something that I just cannot give up, but it is a much much healthier option. Not talking power, exercise weightloss yoga here.

If you look up anorexia in the wikipedia you will find this: In preliminary studies indivualized yoga treatment has shown positive results for use as an adjunctive therapy to standard care. The treatment was shown to reduce eating disorder symptoms, including food preoccupation, which decreased immediately after each session. Scores on the Eating Disorder Examination decreased consistently over the course of treatment.

http://www.empowher.com/bulimia-nerv...lp-studies-say

http://jscms.jrn.columbia.edu/cns/20...gatherapy.html

Those are just a few short articles, there are many many articles on this if you google it. Now I don't know if this is something you have tried, or are even interested in. What I will say tho, is that above all my treatment, this has been the biggest tool for my progress, and success. I think it is worth a shot, because anything at this point that could help is worth trying. It is just one more very good tool that you can utilize.

I wish you the best, I really hope something comes through for you, but do not give up. Even if it means you have to look for other sources of help, just do not give up. I know that 30 years seems forever, almost my entire life seems forever, but there is a way out.

Thanks. Actually I was thinking about yoga. I have to talk with my surgeion about it though, because I've had total knee replacements done on March of 2011 & the other one June of 2011. So I do have to be carefull. Theres just certain things I'm no longer able to do. I know I'm not allowed to ever run again or put any form of pressure on either one of my knee caps for the rest of my life. The yoga thing I'm not to sure about. Thanks for that suggestion.
Angel4024

I thought I would post an update even knowing theres really nothing new yet. I had blood work done today. But I don't get those back until I see my doctor on the nineth of this month. I do know In the past 2 weeks I've lost around fifteen more pounds which my doctor is not going to be happy with. I'm outside alot walking. I walk anywhere from four to six miles a day.Plus the restricting, purging, laxative pills, diet pills, water pills & magnesium citrate liquid I take. I really don't know how to make this stop. People are telling me what an inspiration I am for the amount of weight I have lost, yet those people have no clue I have an eating disorder. Some people yes do know, just not everyone. I'm no ones inspiration. That makes me feel even more guilty. Which in turn sends me into my ED even more. It's like this bad cycle that goes on and on in my head. I purged again tonite. I ate myself for doing this, yet at the same time I don't want to gain the weight. I do realize I'm in waaaay over my head here. But what really got me, is a week ago I found my ten year old in the bathroom weighing herself. I asked her why she was doing that and she said because she was fat and wanted to go on a diet. Now I'm not sure if she is just role playing or if she is serious. I haven't seen anything since like that and believe you me I'm watching for it. But nothing so far. That scared me. She obviously sees me doing that or she wouldn't be doing it. I know now I must go into treatment and change not only me but my family. If I could just get into a place. I've never felt so helpless & hopeless in my entire life until now.
Angel4024

My two cents... Here goes you do know ED kills i'm guessing. I use to home school my Son.. When my eating disorder was at it's worse. My son and me turned in to ED freaks. That's one reason I decided to get help. If your not ready all the therapy in the world won't work....I also know I lost three friends to ED yes three....enough said...

I will put in my 3 cents after avoice's 2 cents.....that gives you 5 cents worth of comments.

Is your daughter worth enough to you to push you into action?.....Is holding onto the excuse that you can't do anything without a treatment center more important than showing her that her mother can be a person responsible for her actions & does care more for her daughter than holding onto the ED?

You don't have a treatment center to go to. You need to get your treatment group (doc, nutritionist, T, YOUR HUSBAND & your daughter so she can learn the importance of what you are doing & use it as a teaching experience) to be a part of your accountability team right here & NOW.

If you are really serious about making the change so that you don't harm your daughter any farther, Your doc can take away all your pills & other ED things you use, you can sign a contract with all of them knowing it, that you will not actively take part in any ED activities from restricting, to purging, to over exercising. (I did this with my pdoc after several suicide attempts with my meds & so did others who had him as their pdoc, so I know this is a normal way of handling behavior that "need to change"). Your husband & especially now, your daughter, can be part in holding you accountable. You may not want them to know everything you have been doing, but part of healing is being HONEST with everyone involved in your life who needs to be part of your accountability team & stop HIDING....because hiding those things is also part of the ED & it's all part of you taking responsibility for your actions.

If you do end up finding a treatment center to treat you....you will be that much farther ahead in your treatment....but if you don't...you won't be sitting here doing NOTHING & making your daughter's situation worse.

I can honestly say from my experience with my mother who died from cancer that was obvious to her but she was in denial about (a huge tumor that she could feel every time she went to the bathroom). She didn't bother doing anything about her condition until it was too late....stage 4 cancer.....then she kept asking me when she was going to get better. It's hard telling your mother that she is never going to get better because she didn't take care of herself soon enough. In my mind, I thought the same thing her oncologist thought of her (his comment to me was that she was an old fool who didn't care enough about herself to get the treatment when she could have with the very slow growing cancer that she had) Growing up, I always thought my mother was not a very smart person because she never seemed to be able to take on any responsibility for herself....she always had an excuse for not doing something. Unfortunately, even in her death, I felt she proved my thoughts correct. What I learned from my mother is what I didn't want to be like rather than learning anything good from her. Is that the kind of example you want to be for your daughter?
What kind of person do you want to teach her to be....a strong person who is willing to take responsibility for their actions or a person who always has an excuse & gives up when what you think is the solution isn't just handed to you? It's not like your treatment team hasn't been working on finding a treatment center put it all on you to find (like mine did the last time.....unfortunately, ED treatment centers don't treat ED's caused by stress from trauma's). In my DBT group, we have learned the facts about radical acceptance......there are some times when we have to accept things the way they are because there is not going to be any other options that comes our way.

Basically we get a few opportunities in life to really make huge good impressions on our children....& we either take the opportunity & make something of it, or we blow it. What kind of mother do you really want to be?

My mom blew it.....I pray that after my blowing it earlier in my life with my daughter & all my suicide attempts & my anorexia that I wanted to have kill me, that I don't blow it in the future as I am working hard at changing my daughter's perception of me & I don't intend to blow it in the future since I know how I was left feeling by my mother.

Wow so powerful and the truth.

I have decided to surrender to the treatment my nutrionist has given me. Yes I've signed contracts wih her recently. I'm doing this for my daughter. As far as my husband goes. He thinks this whole thing is stupid and I'm just being stupid. He's saying to just stop it and just "get over" it. He doesn't care or at least he doesn't act like he does. If any of you actually TRULY understand ED's you know this is something I can't just "GET OVER". This will take time. It's NOT going to change over night. My husband won't even go to therapy to make our relationship better. He says he isn't the one who needs the therapy I am. He treats me bad all the time. Which is actually one of my issues. Yet I'm the one who needs all the help? how does that work? How am I going to get better if our ENTIRE family doesn't get help as well? Theres obviously a break down within our family as well. I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm stating the facts. We all need therapy for me to get better. Yes I'm trying, yes I'm NOW doing what I should be doing. I don't want my family falling apart, yet it seems like it already is. I want my family intact. I feel like it's ALL my fault. Which makes me feel guilty, which makes me want to hide even more. But my therapist said it's not my fault how my husband treats me. Which because of all of this and more. I'm not going into details but my therapist said I'm not lashing out at anyone or saying anything to anyone, instead I'm taking it ALL out on myself. The ED. i don't understand what she means by that but maybe one day I will. Bottom line is NO my daugher is not going to have a mother that is a quitter.
Angel4024

I am so glad to hear you saying this. For you & for your daughter.....as for your husband.......probably in the long run, you will end up doing what I finally did......leave once my daughter was grown up & out of the house.

Your T is wise.....as I was reading your comments about your husband I was thinking those thoughts you wrote she was saying as I read through the post. I'm guessing your husband has been like this all your married life? I am guessing that there has always been some level of tension between you from the beginning also......& always some level of his being in control & you not in the marriage relationship....always making things be 'your fault'?

Your husband treats you the way he learned to treat women & especially the way he learned to treat a wife......that is NOT YOUR FAULT. Yes, you may have come into the marriage with some ED actions......but when the support wasn't there for you to feel equal control in the marriage....it only increases the only actions where we have control.....& I'm sure that after having your daughter, you wanted to get your weight back to looking good for your husband & how he might have interfaced in that situation?....part control & part the need to hurt something because of the hurt you were/are feeling in your marriage.

I know in my situation, I had a bad marriage from the beginning, the attitude of my husband toward everything from lack of wanting to be responsible to his sarcastic comments (which I smashed before he got very far with that), to not wanting me to be in control of my education & my goals in life which was what I went into the marriage being the conditions...I was up front & open about it all....but when it was more than words & became reality....he never wanted to cooperate with anything & spend money he didn't have was his mantra even before we got married........so I ended up being able to hide in my engineering career that I finished up 3 1/2 years after we got married. I didn't realize until after I finally left my husband 5 years ago just how much he was a huge part in my suicide attempts & in the anorexia which was a part of not wanting to live. It felt good to loose the weight that the prozac had started.....& I just kept it going along with the laxitives. He cared on a surface level that any other person would care about me....but he had no idea how to be in my life on any emotional level or know how to really care for someone. From the beginning he would rather loose himself in a book he was reading or a TV show he was watching than to talk about anything important. He was forced to go to therapy when he ended up being a little physical abusive & I ended up in the psych hospital & my pdoc found out what had happened. For me, there was only so much fighting I could do with my husband & it did no good......so between loosing my career that was really my whole life....the only thing I had ever wanted in my life & then knowing how bad my marriage was & hating to even be a part of it, I turned all my anger onto me between the suicide attempts & the anorexia which I did loose so much weight, more the first time than the second time which was caused by the trauma from the home care person & my mother who was dying of cancer......recovery from that was something that only because I had a wonderful new filly that I because so attached to before the trauma hit....otherwise, I am sure I would have been back to the previous place in my life, turning all the hurt I was feeling from others in on myself because there was nothing else I could do that gave me any sense of feeling control over any aspect of my life.

Don't know it any of this helps you understand a bit more what your T is saying to you......most ED's aren't caused by body issues (some are but most have a starting situation that initiates bad feelings toward self. Studies have shown that women who have been SA, or how have been raped, or who have had an abortion or who have gone through some bad trauma, or who are in an abusive relationship, are more subject to developing or expanding ED behavior not just because they start off wanting to be thin (there are those reasons for some.....but the others are more prevalent from what studies have shown).

When there is no point & we know that we won't have any effect on those others who are causing our life to be miserable, the only place where we can have an effect is on ourself....on our weight.....on the food we bing & purge on....or for those who overeat.....FOOD vs LACK OF FOOD.....but it's still our only way of having something that we can have an effect on when the things that are really causing us to be miserable are out of reach for whatever reason.

I know that some day what your T is telling you will make sense. I am just so very happy that you are working with them & they are finally working with you to make the situation YOU ARE IN successful in your treatment.

As for your husband......he is definitely NOT being a real husband even though I am sure he is sure he is (just like my husband was sure nothing was wrong with him either).

....keep posting on how you are doing.....here to support you all the way

Thank you for all of your support and being so honest with me here. This is the hardest thing I have to do for myself and I'm still struggling with it. I am working with my team and i'm doing what they tell me to do. I am under more strict guidelines now than I was before. Yes i had to sign contracts. I'm not perfect and i'm still messing up all the time and i'm even still wanting to fight this at some level. Some days I feel like I'm just going through the motions. My urges to want to purge, take laxatives etc.. are still so strong it's scary. I feel like no one truly gets me except for my nutrionist. Even knowing we butt heads, I know she does have my best interests at heart. I am fighting this the best I can. Today I even got bapisted at church and so did my 10 year old daughter. which was her choice. She asked to be bapisted. I just pray that this is my turn around. This war in my head is still so bad, I still don't sleep, yet I do work at this and I do fight this. Please pray I can pull myself out of this. I'm tired, weak and frustrated. I NEVER thought it would be this hard. The support I get from here means the world to me. Thak you.
Angel4024

Angel

I am very proud that you have taken this seriously & are really working with your team.

It's going to be hard....one thing I have learned in life is that anything worth doing is usually difficult....it makes us appreciate it more & gives us more good feeling about ourselves (in the long run) because we can look back & see all the work we did.

Also....prayer....on our part & on yours asking for the strength to get through this. Know it's God's will for us to take care of our bodies.....so when we ask for the help....we are asking for what is God's will....he is sure to answer. That is so wonderful that you & your daughter were baptized at church.....I know God will give you the strength & also asking for the desire in your heart to make it through this successfully is also important.

My DBT group leader is very interesting....she gets into how the brain works as part of our learning process........which explains why it's so difficult to change behaviors that have been so much a part of our actions for all of our life. There are actually neuropathways that get developed that we have trained to respond the way we act.....so we have basically trained our mind to restrict & to purge & even to use the laxitives when we feel certain things. We actually have reprogrammed our mind from the usual way it works with hunger......so we have to reprogram it back to the normal way a body needs to react to the feeling of hunger or the feelings of being full.

The only way that those neuropathways can be changes is to make sure we react the right way.....it takes a long time to reprogram our minds....it's definitely not done over night. I think for me that when I understand how my mind is working & why & what I need to do to reprogram it....it starts to make more sense because then I know how difficult it is & why it's do difficult.

It's normal to slip up......& it's normal to fight change....because along with fighting the weight issues, your mind is just reacting the way it's been programmed to so for so many years....so it's kind of a double work being done, so slipping up.....will come less & less, but it's understandable & nothing to get mad at yourself for or even feel bad about....just keep working on it & it will get more & more time between the slip-ups because the mind's neuropathways are getting reprogrammed & as long as those old neuropathways are more than the new....it's just something that will happen.

I am so pleased with the attitude that you are feeling toward this. Fighting it's a normal reaction....because of those neuropathways are programmed to the way you have lived for so long & it's definitely hard to change something that we have liked for so long. Making the mind not like something that gives it pleasure & makes it feel good because of the feeling of control it provides.....isn't easy......so just working at doing what they tell you is a major accomplishment.

Good Job!!!!!!!.....I will keep checking to see how you are doing....I am sure your daughter will also feel really good about the strength it's taking you to do this also....it's important for her to understand so that she doesn't lean toward it in her future. When one is concerned about weight....it's an easy behavior to slip into even for those who haven't had abuse or a trauma in their young years growing up.

Keeping you in my prayers......I know that God is smiling down on you & all the hard work it's taking....also know that God provides us with the strength to make the changes we need in our life especially when it has to do with the care of the body he has given us.

Again thank you for all of your support. My nutrionist is going to be ordering some kind of workbook that she wants to me to start. This is so hard to do. every part of me wants to still stay in my ED. Yet another part of me is tired, exhausted & ready to move forward. It's that feeling of being tired etc.. thats pushing me forward. I've just got to get out of this. I'm hoping that with the workbook some good will come out of that. My therapist says I have ALOT of bulit up anger. Which she says also needs to come out and dealt with. Yikes!! thats what I've been pushing down and not wanting it to come out. For fear of what will happen once the anger does come out. Then what? It's obvious I have ALOT of work to do. I just pray that this work will be effective enough to stop my behaviors soon.

angel4024

That's the worst part of the ED's is that there is usually something very much more underneath or behind it that was the cause of it or at least pushed it forward even more & made it be a huge part of our life.

I can understand anger.....the husband I am now separated permanently from pushed me to the seeing red anger level.....now that I have been able to get away from that, it's amazing how much better I am. I have found that the DBT therapy I started being involved in 1 1/2 years ago has made such a difference in all of my life.....hope your workbook helps you even better.

I know you can do this.....that horrible feeling of being exhausted & passing out all the time like I did with my horses was definitely a wake up call for me. It's a lot of work.....but in the long run, you may be way happier than you ever expected with learning how to handle the anger & understand where it's coming from better & not fighting the anorexia any longer......it will be a much better life.

Thank you for the updates......I will continue to be here for you through this.