Needing Help, Yet Can't Get It

I know therapy is going to seem to make things worse before it gets better, but there will always be people here for you. Hang in there and keep fighting. You have a very important special girl to fight for. The urges will lessen with time... a long long time, but eventually you will see improvement.

I'm not having a good week at all. My allergies have gone nuts. I had to go to the doctor. Because my eyes were almost swollen shut, they itched sooo bad, they were tearing non stop and I was waking up with them sealed shut. So my doctor gave me a steroid injection in my hip for it. She also had to prescribe 7 days worth of oral steroids, allegra & eyes drops for my eyes as well. I'm dealing with that plus last week I had my mamogram done. Well they called me back because they found a mass on my right side. I went back they took more x-rays. The nurse came in and told me they not only found one mass theres 2. So now on June 13th I have to have a double biopsy done. I am FREAKING OUT!!!! My ED has gone into over drive. I don't know how to deal with this at all. How am I suppose to work on my ED with this going on as well? someone please tell me? I've never been so unglued in my life.
Angel4024

Do you have anyone IRL like a close friend who you've told?

Yes there are a few people I have told. But until the test is done and I can get the results back I really don't want to worry to many people. It's not right. With that said thinking about it is driving me nuts. Plus even after the test on the 13th. I will have to wait up to a week for the results. My ED has not been good. I'm trying, I'm really working hard, yet for some reason I just can't seem to pull myself together. I just pray that my issue is within the 90% thats it's nothing. I've been in tears.

Angel4024

Well they called me back because they found a mass on my right side. I went back they took more x-rays. The nurse came in and told me they not only found one mass theres 2. So now on June 13th I have to have Sorry I haven't been here is awhile to reply....IRL has been a bit overloading lately also.

I understand how your ED is going into overdrive....mine always does whenever I have a stress in my life & what you are experiencing is definitely stressful. All you can do at times like this is the best you can without beating yourself over not being able to be totally successful. I know when I get stressed, I can even eat & loose weight because stress messes up my metabolism....but mostly stress makes me feel sick to my stomach & then I don't want to eat because I can't stand the sick feeling I get when I eat more than the sick feeling I already have from the stress.

Sometimes you just have to go into survival mode for the time it takes to get through this & eat what you can that's healthy to keep yourself functioning. Praying that the biopsy will turn up nothing & hopefully they will just find out you are "lumpy" like they found out with me......or at least they will find out that it's just harmless cysts that have formed.

Keeping you in my prayers.....it's understandable what you are going through right now.....especially if you don't have the loving support in your own family with your husband to hold you through times like this.

I know you don't have the kind of insurance to get the ED help you need. Thinking could they put you in the medical unit. When I was under weight that's what they did for me. With all that you got going on thinking they could possible tube feed you. Would you be willing to ask?

Tube fed? Seriously? Why would I need that? Anyway I just got a letter in the mail that states I'm losing my health insurance as of July 1st. Add it to the list of everything else I have going on. I'm so overwhelmed right now I don'tt know which end is up anymore. Plus I have this biopsy tomorrow, which I'm very nervous about. Plus my husband and i a while back had to stop paying on some of our credit cards, due to me losing my job. Well it was pay our house payment or pay the credit cards. well no brainer. Well now I was just served papers because one of the cards has decided to sue us. Plus i'm trying to find a job. I seriously can't take anymore stress. My ED is sooo far out of control. It's like my entire life is falling apart, yet at least my food is the one thing no one can take away from me. Which lodically I know something there is not right. Yet i'm soooo stressed out i don't know what else TO DO. So at the end of the day my ED is getting worse. Yet i'm telling my tean this & they are stepping in to help me. Which I'm very gratefull for. I'm sorryu to say that right now I'm having a hard time just keeping it together. Please just keep me in yours prayers for tomorrow for the double biopsy. Thank you.

Angel4024

I have been in a very similar situation as you are.....but without the biopsy......which I am keeping you in my prayers for.

I lost my career as an engineer......we had a huge house payment & my husband believed in putting everything on credit cards. Several of them took us to court & ended up putting leans on the house. I had huge hospital bills that my husband wouldn't go work with them on, so they all went to collection & I was the one at home getting all the collection phone calls. I was continually in the hospital......either the psych ward or the medical because of the anorexia & I kept ending up passing out & having the central line with the IV nutrition. It was not something I would recommend, but it was a matter of living or not basically.....but psych hospital stays weren't always volunteer either because of the many times I tried to end my life......so the hospital bills kept going up & up & my husband looked into bankruptcy but he didn't want to do that until I quit ending up in the hospital & he refused to negotiate with the hospitals because one had told him he couldn't represent me because he was my husband & only I could talk to them....but I could have signed a waiver & I knew that, but my husband never told me all of this until after I finally left him 5 years ago.

During that same time, my migraines (which I never even had a headache before in my life) that started with the taking of the anti-depressants, ended up being 24/7.....I was so sick with the migraines, & then other horrible side effects......I was just ready to give up on life & the stress made me feel sicker & make the weight loss that much worse from the stress (my normal reaction to stress all my life was to feel sick & then not eat)

I understand that horrible feeling of having life fall in on you all too well. I also know that there is another side & it can definitely get better. I survived all the bad times & the good is so much better than I could have ever imagines. There are still difficult issues I have to deal with & life will always be a challenge, but the worst is over. Living alone, I still have times of not eating or not eating well, but I have 5 dogs that depend on me to stay health.

I struggle living alone with sleep, eating & just plain exhaustion trying to take care of the farm by myself, sometimes just too tired to make anything to eat.......know when I get my horse here, life will be even more of a challenge.

Glad your team is helping you through this......does your husband's insurance cover you also. I know that when I was working my insurance was primary & his was secondary.....then when I lost my career & before I ended up on disability & medicare, his insurance was my only coverage after I ended up off medical leave of absence.

Life gets complicated.....but we do survive......praying for your biopsy to come through clean so you can get back to focusing on getting better from the ED.

Thank you. I had the double biospy done and I got the results back. They showed they were both benign. Which is what I was praying for. I've never been so releived in all my life. I was so scared. I'm not even going to say what was going through my head. Now I have to deal with the rest of my messed up life. I found out the insurance I do have I'm losing as of July 1st. Plus having to deal with being sued over credit cards. I'm paying on my house before I'll pay on any credit cards. This is so stupid. It's like I feel my entire life is so far out of control and my ED is the only thing no one can take away from me. My nutrionist has been so amazing to me. She is still trying to find me a place to go for treatment. This is so hard. I never thought this would be so darn hard. It's like it's almost easier to stay in my ED than it is to work hard and get out of it. I'm so tired, exhausted, I don't sleep well, yet I look at my kids and lodigically know my kids need me, yet at the same time I want to lie down and give up. I'm so confused. Yet also I know I will continue working w/ my team and doing what they tell me. Not happy about it right now, but I will.

angel4024

I am so happy that your biopsies turned out benign.....what a sigh of relief......

I know the feeling of the credit cards.....when I lost my engineering career, we were down to just my husband's income with all the debt that we had accumulated on both engineering salaries only my depression & suicide attempts I was not in a position to even go back to work but there weren't any engineering positions in California because aerospace was hitting bottom even back in 1994. That was when the anorexia hit me...prozac started the weight loss & my desire to die was so great.....that was why the ED treatment center didn't do any good for me because I didn't have any desire to live even with my daughter being a senior in high school. My marriage had been bad for so long & without my career as a place to escape to.....I felt like I had nothing......all the creditors came calling because we didn't have any money to pay the bills. We had more hospital bills & my husband did nothing about the amounts we ended up owing like getting them lessened & we didn't have any money to pay them anyway.....some ended up taking us to court & putting a lean on the house....some went to collection & just sat there....but my being home....I got all the phone calls there until I finally had the home phone turned off. Most of the credit card bills that went to collection just sat there because there was no way they could collect....can't get blood out of a turnip......but I know how miserable it is to go through that & how stressful it is. I am sure that all of that added to the anorexia I had.....it was no wonder I kept ending up in the hospital.....both medical & psych......I was a complete wreck.......that was the beginning of the horrible times......then 10 years later the trauma with my mother hit & so did the anorexia.......& more hospital time.....that was the initial reason my husband didn't file bankruptcy because I kept ending up in the hospital & he didn't want all the more hospital bills to deal with....wanted them in the bankruptcy.

After my mother died & I inherited everything.....couldn't file bankruptcy or I would have lost everything & lost my escape from my marriage & we couldn't get divorced because of all the debt....it would have been split, but the divorce lawyer said that it would bring back up all the debt & then it would HAVE to be dealt with.

On top of that, I just found out yesterday that my husband has been delinguent on the house payments that he lives in....my name is still on the house because it was needed to refinance the house. My husband is refusing to respond to any of my contacts to find out what he's doing & what he's planning......same old crap I got when I was living with him......definitely have no love for him.....never did because of the way he was.......so now there's more crap going on.

I can definitely relate to how you are feeling & understand the extra stress. Luckily, my anorexia isn't a problem now....but I do find days when I don't feel like making dinner & find myself going a couple of days sometimes without eating......definitely not healthy.......but I'm getting by.....my psychologist keeps track of my eating also......& in DBT......eating well & sleeping well is all part of emotional regulation.....neither of which I do well.

All you can really do is the best you can when you are going through so many stressful things in your life......I have really found that it takes more control to eat & sleep well than it takes to let the ED be in control.....because it's the ED in control.....not you & that's really the easy way out......it is much harder to make sure we eat well & sleep well......& I understand not being happy about it.....but you are working at it & the desire to be well is really the only thing that will get you there & having a reason to be well (your kids).

sorry was just trying to help. I'll Keep my mouth shut next time. Sorry if I upset you. Hope you get help soon..

unfortunately it seems to be the same around the whole world, whether you have insurance, Government provided health service or no service at all, it is always the wealthy who win, no matter what illness you have its always the same.

I just wanted to update everyone. I'm not doing any different. I'm working at this whole thing. I'm starting to withdraw more and more. I've even had thoughts of taking a break from going to church for a while. I just have a feeling like no one really wants me there. Something is telling me I need to spend more time at home. I'm still seeing my therpist and my nutrionist don't get me wrong. Just something really feels off. I'm seeing my therapist on wednesday so I'm going to talk to her about this. But it's like I feel like I should be telling everyone now I'm fine and I'll be ok. Then just stay home. Why? I'm not sure. My ED has been very bad. Expecially with all the stress thats going on. I'm not handling everything like I probably should be. It's like I have all of these pent up frustrations, anger, panic, anxiety etc... and I don't know what to do with it so I'm doing the only thing I do know how to do and thats turn it all out on myself. This whole situation sucks. I'm trying and I'm working on it. But now it's like I want to run away from it because it's getting to hard. Not that anyone cares, but please pray I have enough strength to get through this. Thank you. To those people who feel offended by what I'm saying sorry, don't take anything personally. It's nothing against you, I'm just trying to make sense of my HUGE mess and I'm not perfect just sayin. Thank you for everyone's support I really need this.
Angel4024

There is so much more involved with ED's than just "body image" issues that so many people want to narrow it down to. It is the life around us, the stresses, & many times past trauma's we've gone through. It's a matter of psychologically processing those things, not just a matter of learning to eat again or just starting to eat again because everything involved in our life is involved in the ED.....not something that one can just get through because they have been working on it for awhile & it should be fixed by now.......

Church should be a source of strength.....I know the church I went to when I was dealing with all the depression, anxiety, & anorexia, wasn't a source of strength....but then I wasn't in the same place with God that I have grown into then either & everything sounded like blah, blah, blah & the people's concern didn't feel like it could continue as long as my problems were existing......definitely NOT something that I got over in a blink of the eye like going to the Dr for an injury that just gets fixed.

The only thing you can do is keep working on it & keep up the determination. Remember the best things in life are the hardest things to obtain & have the greatest worth. I know now after my relationship with God has grown, that my greatest source of strength it through that relationship (not through church even though it's a large part of it).

Don't know if you have any kind of access to DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). It has been the best type of therapy because it not only teaches skills to help with deal with emotions & teaches you about your emotions, but also skills to deal with distress tolerance & interpersonal relations along with the best way to solve the problems that come up & that's through mindfulness & wise mind thinking which blends both the emotional mind with the rational mind. I have found that this is the only therapy that has ever worked for me & really makes sense.

Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers

It's been a little while since I've been here. I've had still so much going on. My ED is spirraling down hill. My marriage is collasping, my van is not working, can't do laundry at home our pipe is over flowing, I have to be in court on thursday for my credit card, which I was advised not to go. I'm still trying to find work. But the catch to that is if my income goes up at all I will lose my health care. Which I'd have to pay almost 500 dallors a month for plus three of my meds alone are 700 dallors a month. So do I get a job, just to pay for health insurance and my meds or do I say forget it and just stay home. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. My husband & I are behind on our bills, yet I'm not what to do. I'm soooooooooooo stressed out, my ED has gotten terrible. Like my whole life is out of control but my food is the one thing I can control and no one can tell me what to do with that. I'm fighting for my life, yet I'm tired, exhausted and just want to give up. Every time i take a step forward, it's like I'm taking 20 backwards. WTF!!!! I have never felt so defeated in all my life.

Angel4024

Ugh.......wish I could say I haven't been where you are....but I have been & I know how miserable it ALL feels........what you might want to do is think about the control with your food......in the other way....making your control be the good eating & not the not eating & bulimia. I have found that eating well takes more control then the anorexia.....but it takes more work when I don't feel like cooking or eating when I feel stressed......so I understand that aspect of it also.

The bills.....don't know what to say......we never went to court either. A couple of times they ended up putting a lean on our house which is still there which really lowers the value of what we get out of selling the house.....value will have to go up that much more before we can get any money out of the house.

I understand that feeling because I am trapped my my marriage (not able to get the divorce even though I left him 5 years ago) because of the financial mess we managed to get into because he refused to cut back on the spending & take control when I no longer had the ability to do it with all the depression, suicide attempts, anorexia, & then the trauma I went through. He never was in control of the amount of money available to spend & spent money we didn't have along with all the hospital bills from me which he didn't bother trying to get them to write them off like I know they would have...instead...it all went to collection. Have no idea how long stuff stays in collection before they write it off either.

Wondering if you can file for bankruptcy?.....that might help with some of the bill problems.

Wondering also if you might not qualify for disability? I know that I was so messed up there was no way I could go back to work.....I couldn't even function on a daily basis.....have improved some but still couldn't hold down an engineering job. Takes a year after getting on disability for the medicare to kick in....so insurance is still a problem. I have one medication that costs $2300/month. It used up all my savings before I was able to get onto the patient assistance program....but you might look into getting the patient assistance if you go off your insurance....at least your medication would be covered & I'm guessing but you might not be spending the amount you are on insurance for your Dr's, so it might cost you less if your Dr's will give you a lower rate for paying cash (same as what they get from the insurance)......you might not end up paying as much just paying for your appointments (if they are willing to discount) & getting your meds covered by the patient assistance programs that are available.....might help out a little.......always worth it to look at all the options....but it's confusing & time consuming & really adds another level of stress & anxiety until you get it figured out.

I totally understand how you are feeling right now. My life was (& still sort of is) just like that. Unfortunately, after buying my farm so I could leave my husband, it made it impossible to file for bankruptcy because I would have to sell my farm & pay all the debt & get only what's left over (basically loosing all my inheritance).....so here I sit, 2100 miles away from the mess I was in the middle of.....not in a great place financially, but at least I'm not stress by living around him 24/7 which is the only thing that gave me the will to live.

Wouldn't a new job have health insurance to cover you? rather than having to pay for the expensive COBRA?

Life is complicated & all we can do is try to see the big picture & handle it the best we possibly can given what we have available.......& accept that as the best we can do & just leave the worry at that point because you can't make something out of nothing.

Keep posting here when you get a chance....I know for me, just venting & getting input from others seemed to help me most of the time.

I went and saw the Pastor of my church yestrday and I think he is considering putting me in the hospital. He says he's very concerned about me at this point because he says he can physically see me continually losing weight. Which of course makes me feel guilty because I don't want to worry anyone. I'm not doing this on purpose. Why can't he see that? I still have weight to lose. I'm not even sure what a hosptial can do anyway. It's not like they can transfere me somewhere with the insurance that I have. Won't the hosptial just end up discharging me because there not going to know what to do with me? Plus my therapist keeps cancelling on me. So now I have to find a new therapist as well. This whole situation is so messed up. At least I fixed the problem with my insurance. For now anyway. If my income goes up at all I will lose it completely. Go figure. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, just so I don't have to deal with my ED. It's becoming even more complicated to hide and even do because to many people know about it. I wish I never would have told anyone. Maybe then my life wouldn't be so complicated right now.
Angel4024

Wow, I thought I replied to your message.....know I was thinking on it & must have gotten distracted.

Ok, all your pastor can do is take you to the ER.....it's up to them to run the blood work....if it's dangerous.....they they will admit you (anemia) & they would probably force you to have either a central line & IV nutrition, or a feeding tube if your blood work comes back looking really bad....know I've been there so many times, it's not funny....luckily, that's been in the past.....last time was in Jan/Feb 2005 just after my mother died. My GP put me in the hospital to run tests to see why I wasn't able to eat or drink (kept telling him it was stress). He wanted to definitely rule out anything physical.....then the blood tests came back really bad one morning.....that was when they determined that the IV nutrition was going to be necessary......but I ended up leaving to go to my mother's funeral with the promise that I would come back into the hospital after it was over.....hospital pdoc was angry because he wanted to put me on a hold so I couldn't leave the hospital.....thought I would die if I left......but as we see....I didn't....my GP was great...he looked the other way when I went AMA....but he couldn't release me because of the report that the hospitals pdoc put on my record.

The previous time I was dealing with anorexia....the GP I had then was constantly putting me in the hospital every time I passed out & then it was the central line & IV nutrition.....then that hospital had a psych ward so I ended up in there for a few days after I was in the medical area because of the anorexia.....they wanted to treat psychologically.

So that's basically how the hospital situations work......it's been awhile since hearing from you.....maybe your pastor took you to the ER & they found that your blood work was bad.......let us know how you are doing.

Don't give up yet, things may seem bleak but I promise they will work out. Talk to your doctor about putting you on a medication that will reduce the urge. My doc put me on topamax

I thought I'd write with an update. I'm still not in treatment where I have been told is where I need to be. My team is still looking. The pastor has not done anything either. Now my nutrionist has told me she can no longer see me unless my regular doctor can clear me as medically stable. So I called my doctor and the nurse said the doctor can NOT medically clear me and that the doctor wants me admitted somwhere because I'm medically in alot of trouble. Yet my insurance WON'T cover the treatment. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. In the mean time now I have NO HELP at all now. I wish god would just take me. I'm getting even worse. I've lost my balance before and fell into a wall. I got a huge black and blue mark on my forhead. I am slowly giving up. As a matter of a fact I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to be here anymore. No one cares anyway. No one wants to help me unless I have awesome insurance or I have money. It's just not right. Why can't someone just help me before I do die. I'm getting to the point where I've tried everything there is to try, I've applied for every scholarship i can. I'm done. I give up. I cry everyday, my behaviors are so bad I'm not even going to get into that. Doctors have to make an oath to do no harm, yet thats exactly what there doing by allowing a person w/ an eating disorder to get to the point of death. Why? due to the lack of funds??? thats just sick... So now I'm going to die and no one cares and frankly neither do i anymore. I have no strength left to fight.
Angel4024

Can your insurance pay for intensive outpatient? or the ER to get you hydrated at least. It's crazy that you are not getting the help you want and need. Your in my thoughts. I want to help you but I don't know how

If you are medically unstable....your Dr should put you in the medical hospital with a central line or a feeding tube & the TPN nutrition......I ended up there many times even after treatment.....so I can guarantee you that even if you did get into treatment, it doesn't mean that you will get better unless you want to......

Sounds to me like you want someone to care about you before you will care about yourself? I understand that feeling.....but that's the reason I got worse instead of better also.....because I didn't care & in all honesty, I didn't really want to get better at that point in time......the only time I really got better wasn't because of the treatment....it was because I wanted to & that's really what makes the difference.

It's not easy no matter what.....it's harder when we feel that no one around us cares.....so why bother caring about ourselves......but the bottom line is that we never get better until we want to.....yes, the treatment centers can force us to be better while we are there....but until the desire is there for you to want to get better.....that really has to be there before any treatment will work....anything else is just keeping you alive.....sort of like life support.

It's sad that your will to get better is so dependent on whether or not those around you are able to care & just because it's not possible for them to get treatment....you are willing to give up rather than to give 100% on your own.......but I know that I honestly didn't want to live when I was in treatment.....so it was basically useless........I had a bad marriage & I had lost my career which was my only escape from the bad marriage.....didn't want to get divorced with our daughter at that time....but realize that the divorce probably would have saved me from all the Suicide attempts & allowing the anorexia to get so bad that I was passing out constantly & landing in the medical hospital.....forced to have a central line & the IV nutrition.....back in 1995-1997. The time I was in the hospital last for anorexia was because of a trauma I went through & the stress caused me to get that bad.....my marriage was still bad......& in some ways, the medical hospital gave me the care I needed to get through that horrible time.....but I know that the lack of caring does add to the lack of getting better.....but looking back, I realize that it would have been better to fix the things that were causing me to feel so uncared for in my life & to leave that environment rather than to take it out of myself with the anorexia even though it was the stress that pushed it to be so bad, I still had some control over eating or not because of it......as I am finding now.

I have really high stress issues going on....stbxh (soon to be x H)quit paying the property taxes & the house payments on the house he's living in but we own together is in foreclosure....which puts my farm in risk of having to be sold to cover the deficiency. Lawyer expenses finally for the divorce, my property tax expenses to cover, vet bills for my dogs, maintainence expenses for my farm which I own & have to take care of by myself.....& the fact that my stbxh is being the passive agressive SOB that he's always been (something I just realized last week)....but even with the label that now makes sense, it doesn't help with the frustration buttons he's pushing not getting me the tax information I asked for, nor answering the questions I asked before I'm willing to send over the quit claim to get my name off the deed.....but names still on the mortgage, so it doesn't keep me from being financially liable. All this happened without a single word that it was happening & I found out when I got a call about the house payments being behind.....he even had the nerve to tell me that he paid the property taxes last year & if I hadn't filed an extension on the taxes, I would have filed them with bad information.....he claimed that "he couldn't remember everything" when I confronted him about lying.

The point to all of this however is that this stress is as bad if not worse than what I went through in the past when my anorexia did get the better of me......but this time, I am not allowing it to happen.....why? Because I got rid of living with him to start with by moving 2100 miles away where I didn't know anyone & had NO family...but I have found friends & a church family who has taken me in more as family than I ever experienced during the time my anorexia had taken over during horrible stress times......the point....I had to get rid of the environment that made me not care about living & to start caring about myself. I still have times when I don't eat well when the stress hits hard....I end up going days without eating....but I had not ended up NOT eating at all like the stresses in the past caused me to do.....& I am staying healthy.....have friends that care & that I end up going out with or over to their house & the eating I do is light, but at least I eat.......getting out of the bad environment for myself helps me care about myself more than I ever have in my life. I'm also in a different place with the Bible studies I have done & it's not just an intellectual knowledge & belief any longer....that change in relationship for me with God has made 100% of the difference & all the rest of the changes has been icing on top of that 100%.

Sometimes you have to get out of the environment that is making you not feel cared about....& I'm guessing that it's not just your Dr's & the health care system that's making you feel that way....even though for me, it felt like it but I wasn't able to be aware of all the other bad things that were going on around that were causing the real lack of caring feeling.....the medical caring even though we think it will help.....really doesn't because all the other not caring is so much worse than I was able or willing to understand.

Maybe you need to talk with your T about what problems there are in the environment that you are living in & find the things that you can change to make that better & focus on that more than on your ED.....fix those & your ED might just start getting better because your environment is getting better....just a thought because I have seen this picture in more than just myself....know that each situation is different & what applies to one doesn't always apply to another...but worth at least looking at as a possibility.

eskielover- Thanks for your input. It's not that I want someone to care for me more than I care for myself. It's that I'm sick and tired of reaching out for help and yet no one will help me. Yes i understand that I have to do the actuall work. But isn't kind of hard to do the work if you have no clue how to do it??? I've been this way my entire life. I don't know any other way of being. Why can't anyone get that. I'm not trying to play some poor me crap. I really don't know what to do or how to do it. Which is why my team has been looking for me. Because the more I look and get rejected the more it triggers me into my behaviors. This whole situation is so messed up and everyone seems to be taking everthing I'm saying and either twisting what I'm saying or not getting it at all. I just want help. I don't know how to live anyother way than I'm doing right now. Yes it may suck to have my control taken away, but maybe thats what I need. No I'm not gonna like it, but who does like any kind of treatment?? really?? I'm so frustrated, scared, lonely, angry, upset and all that, that applies. Being able to come here is all I have. What I need is a miracle. I need someone to say just come here and we will help you. Don't worry about the money and we will teach you and give you the tools you need to make it. But of course that is never going to happen. Thats just not reality. Yet I have no clue what to do. No one will help me, yet I'm told there's no way I can do this alone. Yet I am on my own. So what do I do?? everyone turns me down when I ask for help. This should not be happening. Yet it is.
So now I'm being told to suck it up and deal with it. Thats just great. Ok, but how???

Angel4024

I'm sorry you are having such extensive troubles. It is very frustrating to ask for help, and not feel you've received it.
Having the financial troubles thrown in just makes it feel worse. If you don't have that sorted, I highly recommend consulting a lawyer. You can have a consultation for free, and they have all the knowledge to give the best advice.
I am concerned that if you ever are able to go to an ED treatment center, that you will be supremely disappointed. It's basically just staying in a hospital setting while you see a therapist, doctor, and nutritionist. And you're getting that now. The main difference is having your every move watched, so you can't get away with things. And if you refuse to eat you will be force fed. This scenario is also available in medical and psychiatric hospitals, and these will accept your insurance. Might it be better to take full advantage of all the help that is available to you? Rather than lament the one kind of help that is not?
I hope you won't think that's critical - I believe you genuinely want help. But because you've been unsuccessful at changing your situation, maybe you can be successful at changing your perspective instead. I truly wish you well.

I have been in an ED treatment center & I know that your expectations of what you are going to get through them is NOT what you are really going to get.....Gr3tta is right.....the only difference in what you are getting now is 24/7 monitoring & if you don't eat the food they put in front of you whether you like the food or not, they will shove a can of sustacal (or other nutritional supplement they use now) to the point where you are ready to throw the stuff across the room because you end up really feel like throwing it up because it's so disgusting.....& they do that even if you leave one bite of the food you were trying to eat......maybe they aren't all that way....but the Radar Institute that I went to was like that.

Not only that but the psychologist who cost an arm & a leg even though my stay at the treatment center was free, was a complete idiot....he tried to put words & thoughts about why I was the way I was.....& he was so off base.....just a complete idiot.

In all honesty, I got better help when I was sick with the anorexia after going to the treatment center & in my near by medical hospital with the central line nutrition & visiting the groups in the psych section of the local hospital......the last time when I was in the medical hospital with the anorexia, just 8 years ago, that hospital didn't have a psych section but they had an outside pdoc & psychologist that came in....the pdoc was a complete idiot....but the psychologist was nice & came in every day to help me. Allowing yourself to get to the point where you are so anemic that you are at the point of having to have a central line with the TPN, or a feeding tube.....in definitely NOT a smart thing to do just to get that kind of help either....where they say if you don't get the TPN, you may not be alive in a few days.

The thing is that if you don't process the issues that started your ED in the first place....those many years ago......& change your thinking about your eating....no matter what an ED treatment center forces you to do, it won't become YOUR thoughts & ways after only 6 weeks......you already know everything they are going to tell you because you have an outstanding team with a T & a nutritionist.

Honestly, sometimes if we are serious about really getting well, we have to FORCE ourselves to do the behavior that it takes....& you really need a good T who is able to process whatever happened in your past that created this behavior in the first place.....& I know that the stress your life is in (& I don't mean just not being able to find a treatment center)......it sounded like your marriage wasn't doing well & your work situation isn't ok.....all stressful things that can cause your appetite to be bad in the first place.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy which my psychologist is finding works the best of all the therapies & I agree, there's a part in it that has to do with Radical acceptance.....it's looking at our life & understanding the things that we can't change....like the serenity prayer says.....accept the things we can't change, change the things we can & know the difference & not let it destroy our life.

I understand that feeling of needing someone to care about you.....but it doesn't sound like the lack of care you are having an issue about is just about not finding an ED treatment center that will take you.....sounds like there's a whole lot of other missing care in your life.....but you are focusing that lack of caring on the fact you aren't finding a treatment center that will take you, your pastor isn't doing anything to get you help & all your trys to find a treatment center hasn't been successful. I was angry that I wasn't getting the care I felt that I needed.....but it was more the fact that I wasn't being cared about anywhere in my life....I had no one that cared about me at all....not that no one cared about getting me the help that I needed. I had a husband (the one I am now finally working on getting a divorce from) who was passive aggressive & he never took care of our finances & let everything go to collection....if I didn't handle things, he never handled anything....he never cared about anything especially if it was a bit difficult or took a bit of energy....he would visit at the hospital....but would never really DO anything that really showed TRUE caring in all the 33 years I lived with him. My mother was dying of cancer & ended up she died at the point I was in the hospital 8 years ago with the central line. My GP cared, but not really, when I had problems, he never returned my calls. I had no friends IRL that cared.....I had never had real friends....something I realized now that I do after I finally left my stbxh & started a new life 2100 miles away from him.....I have just found out what it's really like having people who care. Having real friends who care is the most amazing feeling......& for me, stress was what mostly pushed my anorexia & now that I do have people who care, my stress level even now through the divorce issues & all the buttons that my stupid stbxh is pushing again while I am trying to get the divorce through......the caring people I am now surrounded by & the wonderful DBT group & psychologist I have.....have really helped me with the sick feeling that the stress used to cause....I still don't eat well, but at least I do eat while I am dealing with the long term stress situation I am finding myself in again. My point is that I am wondering if you are surrounded by all non-caring people like I used to be surrounded by & you are expecting your pastor to care in a way that he really isn't trained or capable of being.

Also, something I have learned from my experiences is that God knows our needs & he provides for our needs & if we have tried so hard to force what we think we need to happen & it's not happening.....then there has to be some other solution that is what God wants or knows is right or something we need more.

When we set our whole dependence on getting well on only ONE solution just because you haven't been able to get what you want out of your treatment team.....maybe you need to re-look at your treatment team & maybe you really need to start following what they have had to tell you.....because I can promise, you won't get anything more from a treatment center as far as knowledge than you have already received from them....other than forcing you to eat for the time you are there.

When the direction we have been trying to force for our life isn't working out....it's time to start looking at things in a different way......& truly USE what it is that you have rather than discounting them because they aren't the treatment center that you think is the solution......I honestly think you will be very disappointed if you do end up finding one, especially one that will be willing to take you for free.

I know that what we have to say isn't what you want to hear.....but sometimes we need to hear other ways of looking at things when we aren't able to see it ourselves or the way we should in the first place.

I know that you can get well....Sometimes when our self-esteem is so low that we feel that we CAN'T, the best thing for our self-esteem is to be able to do it more on our own with the help that we have available....when we do accomplish it, then we realize just how much strength we do have with God's help......& it can also bring us to a deeper relationship with God.

Know there are a lot of different thoughts going on here.....maybe something out of what we have had to say will make some sense that you will be able to use IRL for yourself.......keeping you in my