[Girl-Interrupted]

So i used to make myself sick after everything i ate even if it was big or small...now i have started starving myself ive been doing this for about a week or so ...i orderd laxatives off the internet and i have been taking them...i hate my body so so much ,i look in the mirror and i hate the person looking back i cant stand myself at all ,im fat and ugly,
I am disgusted with the way that i look ,i see all of these perfect looking girls in the magazines and wish to be like them ,i get bullied and that makes me feel even worse about myself ,i get called a freak and a pyscho because i selfharm and i have a different fashion sence to most of the other girls ,the girls at school are pretty i wish i was like them...i dont really have anyone to talk to about what i am doing because my parents dont care and never listen to anything i say its like i am invisible to them
I cant carry on being the person i am i cant carry on being ugly and fat

[AngelWolf3]

I am sorry you are in such a place right now. I don't have great advice, or much to say, but please keep posting and get the feelings out...

[Girl-Interrupted]

thanks for the comment and the hug x

[eskielover]

i have a different fashion sence to most of the other girls ,the girls at school are pretty i wish i was like them.

I know it's easy to say NOT TO COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS & to learn to be happy with who you are.....but I also know that people self-harm because they have a deep emotional pain they are feeling & until you are able to deal with what that pain is.....it's almost impossible to be happy with yourself.

Are you happy with your different sense of fashion?.....or do you really want to be like the others which would include changing your sense of fashion?

I remember growing up.....& yes, it was so many years ago & things were different....but my sense of fashion was determined by the cloths my mother made & she was definitely NOT into fashion & neither were my cloths......always felt self conscious about that when the other kids came in with cloths that I would have really loved to look like them.....so it wasn't that my sense of fashion was so off, but sometimes our sense of fashion can be caused by many different issues.

I do remember growing up & feeling awkward around others....I grew up with parents who had no self-esteem or self-confidence so I had no idea how to even be like that around others....but what I did was sit back & observe & be quiet while I let my mind learn what I wanted to be like. When I had a difficult interface with someone.....I would replay it in my mind & determine what I could have done different & what I could have done to make it turn out better & feel better about myself. The one thing I had going for me was my good grades so many others wished they were more like me in that way....but being teacher's pet wasn't always good thing either...that brought it's own set of issues. I never had any close friends in school....they were acquaintances........I also played piano & from 3rd grade on, I was part of the school orchestra. I sort of just did the things that I enjoyed doing on a very low key level of interfacing with others where I knew I would be accepted by them & I tried not to let anything really different be obvious to others. My mother didn't drive, so I could never go or do things with other kids so I really had no social interface other than what I had in school during the day.

It was amazing....by Junior High, I started taking the flute in school & practiced & found other music people I had things in common with & that was how I met the one GF I had from junior high until after we both got married....but I didn't do well clicks.

My confidence was low, but I pushed myself to try to get involved in the things that I was interested in....by the end of junior high, I was president of the girl's academic club, a class representative & president of the orchestra giving me the interesting opportunity of directing the orchestra for my own graduation from junior high......while I still would have rather crawled under a rock then interface or lead the groups.....I had observed & worked hard at figuring our the best way to interface with others so I could be better accepted. I really think the observing & replaying the situations in my mind trying to figure out what normal would be was the best thing that helped me get along & get to the place where I was able to be more accepted by others. I still had my good grades & even ended up with a BF in junior high who was the smartest boy in the class & he was interested in music also.

I couldn't talk to my parents about anything either because they had no idea what I was feeling or what it was like to even want to have self-confidence & they were definitely NOT a good example of what I wanted to be like in my life.....so I had to figure it out on my own.

It's interesting looking back at those years & trying to remember what it was like & what feelings I had.....given I'm almost 60 now.......

I do remember that high school was more difficult because there were so many new people from so many different school (growing up in Los Angeles Calif in the San Fernando Valley). Being that I didn't have a group that I was a part of in junior high, I didn't go into high school with a group as support.....& I struggled, but tried to keep doing what I had been doing & being in music, I got involved in marching band & that allowed me to have the fun of going to the foot ball games in a safe & comfortable environment & my acquaintances grew mostly out of the music.....school grades started coming harder in the math & science.....but was still involved in the girls academic group. I thought that getting involved in an off campus girl's club might be a good idea, but I didn't feel comfortable, so never went through with the pledging stuff they were doing.....I felt too independent to be a comfortable part of something like that even though it might have been good to have some level of support around me...it wasn't worth the uncomfortable feeling it gave my independent side of my personality.

College was a whole different thing....I went to a junior college & it wasn't like there was a graduating class to be part of......I started with a major in music & did well in that & enjoyed the performing but when I transferred to the 4 year state university....it was definitely a place to get lost is & all I did was focus on graduating & a career.....so nothing much else was necessary.

The most important thing I found was to figure out the best way to feel comfortable around others & trying to analyze what would make that work better through observing & analysys of what wasn't working when I did something that made me feel uncomfortable....was the best way I found to get through those difficult years.

Know that things are quite a bit different now with the strange pressures that seem to be on everyone these days, pressures that we didn't have to deal with in the same way.....but I would think that some of the same methods might work in some ways.....mostly, I realized that I needed to decide what I wanted to be like & what values I was NOT WILLING to give on & work through the rest.

Don't know if any of this makes sense.....but your post brought these thoughts into my mind from my past memories of the experiences I went through

Hope you are able to sort through this...know it's difficult when you are surrounded by people who have preconceived ideas about you already.....sometimes if it's possible, it's a good thing to move away & start fresh in a whole new area.....I did that 5 years ago when I left my husband.....& I was able to get rid of the bad things that had grown to be a part of my life....anger & hate & resentment.....& I'm now surrounded by the most wonderful people I could have ever imagined & I am sooooo very happy with my life....moved 2100 miles away from where I had lived for 33 years with my husband & 53 years where I had grown up & lived...to a place where I didn't know anyone. That fresh start in my life was the best thing I have ever done & even though it's known that we bring ourselves with us when we leave a place....we don't bring those bad surroundings & a fresh start can be one of the best things possible when things are going terribly bad in life.

[Girl-Interrupted]

i like my fashion and the way i dress but i have to change to fit in with the others

[Taptaptaptile]

I'm so sorry you're struggling

I can't really think properly at the moment (bloody ED fog) so excuse me if this comes out strange.

I suspect you know that laxatives don't help with weight loss. They just make your body poorly. I do understand that sense of self loathing...sort of smashing a self destruct button.

Anyway, like I said my brain is scrambled, but I wanted to say something

[NoCake]

[WALL OF TEXT]

Using laxatives this way can actually remove the body's ability to create bowel movements on it's own. It's extremely dangerous (and nasty lol) to use them like this. If you want to lose weight you need to understand how the body works. Starvation will get you into the hospital - it will not make you thin because the body will not allow you to do this.

1.Your body NEEDS food. You can't live without it or starve yourself. The body's main function is survival - it is not looking pretty. When you starve yourself your body goes into what's called "starvation mode." When the body isn't getting fat and nutrients to fuel itself it DECREASES the amount of fat you can lose. This is useful if you're stranded on a desert island with no food to eat. The second function of starvation mode is that it will take DOUBLE the fat from the next food items you eat to compensate for the the food you missed out on. That can actually cause weight GAIN!! And if you try to work around that and don't eat anything during starvation mode you will simply get sick because the body has no fuel to run on. That's why people on crappy diets always relapse and look even bigger. You will destroy your body long before weight loss occurs. I am sorry to be blunt but you need to know this so that you don't make things worse.

2. Food is FUEL. Your body needs it like a car needs gas. No fuel no go! Otherwise your body will STEAL nutrients from other parts of your body and try to put it in other areas. In extreme cases the body may take nutrients from your hair to keep itself going. That causes hair loss. So we NEVER EVER want to starve ourselves.

To lose weight you don't just stop eating. You EXERCISE and you eat SMART!! You need to eat healthy foods and you need to eat in intervals so that your body has the energy you need to go. And since you're going to start exercising your body will need fuel now more than ever to do all those workouts.

It's all about calories. You need to be in a situation where exercise causes you to lose more calories than you take in from eating. This creates weight loss. All this stuff has been said before so you should do some research online to find great plan. I posted earlier today on what happened to me:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...43#post2862443
And I wasn't even trying to starve myself...

I felt that was important to get out of the way because you can't just will your body to work however you want it to. You have to understand how it works to get it working the way you want it to. If you ever lift weights (you don't have to) you will find that simple things like the orientation of your arms changes the muscles that are worked. The body is simple but complicated as well.

But more importantly you have to try and love yourself. Losing weight is not going to change the outlook you have on yourself. You might look better on the outside but those feelings of inadequacy will stay there. That's why there are plenty of thin girls that are always asking each other if they are fat. They are physically fine but the mental problems they had NEVER went away. And so they are thin on the outside but they are not thin on the inside. If all you do is lose weight then you're going to end up like that. But you can do a lot better.

High school is a lot like the matrix. You are forced into believing values and ideas that make no logical sense but are embraced because the people that live by them are too afraid to question them. The people that do believe in them follow them and love them because it gives them a false sense of security. But I promise you that it is very fake. There comes a time in life where those rules fall flat and those same kids start running around confused because the "rules" change again.

If you ask yourself why you want to be like the other girls can you find a reason other than wanting to fit in? Think about it:

Why would you want to fit in with girls that run around making people feel bad, that have obvious insecurities that they throw around to hurt others, and that do whatever they are told to do in the name of popularity which means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things?

The most common theme I see here is that kind women that treat people well end up getting bullied by other women that decide to take their insecurities out on others. And because these kind women aren't in that place where they love themselves and are ok with themselves they fall for the ridiculous rules of the matrix all in the name of fitting in. They are even trained to hate themselves if they cannot do this. Sometimes these kind women become just like the agents... I mean people... that bullied them. It's a real shame...

You're young and this may be difficult because it takes a long time for people to begin to find themselves. But all I can advise is that you start to do what you love and be what you love. Do things because you believe in them. You cannot allow peoples' criticisms to get you down. You cannot assume that what others tell you is truth. Those people that tease you do so because it is all they know. They have been fooled into believing that it is acceptable to do this. They live in the matrix... You don't have to do this anymore. Know that you are special and that there is nothing wrong with doing things your own way.