[BeeKeeper]

I marked this as potentially triggering. No idea if it is or not.

Background, since this is my first post here: I have been binging/purging for over a decade at this point. I was just hospitalized for Bipolar and, while I was there, mentioned- for the first time ever to a professional- that I had this pattern.

Rationally, I know that I wasn't really treated for it because the problem is pretty much in remission and I was dealing with many, much more serious, issues at the time.

However, emotionally, I feel like they didn't take me seriously because I am still heavy. Most of the people being treated for ED were dangerously thin, which makes sense that most people don't seek treatment until they reach that point, but it made me feel like a failure as an ED patient. Does that make sense? Despite ten years of horrible behavior that led to health problems, I still have a high BMI and felt like nobody considered it a real problem.
It's like I can't convey to people how much this aspect of my life has affected me because, as far as anybody can tell, it hasn't outwardly affected me that much. That's really frustrating, because it was so hard to tell people in the first place. I never mentioned it again, once I was in inpatient, because I felt like such a doofus for bringing it up. To give my pdoc credit, she was very careful to avoid medication that would affect my weight, but I still felt so bad about sharing my problem that it made me want to start binging/ purging again, even though I hadn't done it in months.

Has anybody else felt this way? I'm so frustrated by both my ED and the response I've had to telling people, I don't know where to go from here.

Thanks for reading

[AngelWolf3]

I can understand and relate to your feelings. I totally get it. Although our situations are a bit different, I also look 'fine on the outside' or 'unaffected.' Back when i was at the worst of my ED (at that time it was anorexia) i did not meet the "weight" criteria for being anorexic so I felt like such a failure..even though there was a problem, it really didn't look like it at all. now I am at the other end of the spectrum and look just fine, so I feel like nothing I am doing as far as the purging and things (which has really amped up this past year) is not doing anything, so I don't feel like it's worth bringing up to my T.

Sorry I rambled on about me in an attempt to let you know I understand...and I think (I am definitely not a doc so this is not a 'diagnosis' or anything,) but regardless of the weight, you had been struggling with the behaviors for 10 years, and it was affecting you emotionally. I think that is the huge part of the ED, is the emotional trauma/wear and tear that it puts you through, rather than the weight itself. That is just the ED talking trying to get you to think you are not worth the treatment.

Do you have a therapist you can talk to about it? Just curious. ED comes in all shapes and sizes and forms.

I hope this helped. I am sorry if I rambled.

Welcome to PC

[precious things]

This to me makes perfect sense and is sadly something I have come across as well. I started out overweight and b/p like you, felt like it wasn't taken seriously by the therapist I was seeing (never mind that I was drinking epicac syrup). This was when I was a teen and I wish it would have been dealt with more seriously. A couple years later I was put IP and nurse said something to the effect that they get plenty of people in there worse off than I was so I shouldn't be crying- I never forgot that. Now, that was just one crappy nurse but in my eating disordered mind, I never felt worthy or that anyone would believe how much I struggled.

Now, many years later, I feel even when I meet full anorexia nervosa criteria that I am never bad off enough to need help...I think the way it was minimized early on plays a role in that.

I would suggest to you that you find someone (a therapist) who is specially trained in eating disorders because they understand that it has nothing to do with weight or what your bmi is....they know you can be any size and seriously suffering.

[onlytime]

I can definitely relate to this. But ultimately, ed's are psychological disorders - the way one looks, the number on the scale, lab results, etc. do NOT reflect the amount one struggles. It's hard when insurance (and even some treatment providers) determine how "serious" an ed is by these measures.

I agree with precious things that you might want to find a T who specializes in EDs.

Good luck!

[BeeKeeper]

Hey guys, thanks for the responses! It's nice to have that validation. I have a new therapist but the ED still isn't a priority.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Bee,
I think that's a good way to go until it's not a good way to go anymore. By that I mean, I did that too when my depression was so severe that I was non-functional. I just focused on that. Let my eating go to pot and didn't worry about it at all. My ED got worse in fact, but it was better than me doing something really stupid.

When I worked through the depression issues and got on new medication and was finally more stable, my therapist said it was time to work on ED. I disagreed, because I thought that once my depression was better, ED would automatically go away. I argued my case, but I was wrong. I was stuck in a bad habit and needed to make recovery from ED as big a priority as I had made recovery from depression.

I'm happy and proud to say that it's been over a year since I've been largely ED-free. I lapsed in December for 2 weeks, but picked up stronger than before.

So, IMO, focus on what you need to focus on when you need to focus on it.
Good luck on all forms of recovery - whatever you need to do and in whatever order you need to do it.

PC is a great resource and I'm glad you've joined us.
Bub

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks bubsmiley! Rationally, I know you are totally right. I'll get to it when I am able to. I think it would definitely be too much to fix everything all at once.
Emotionally, though, it was really hard for me to finally share that part of my life and have it put up on a shelf for the time being...