[spow]

I don't know if this post will be allowed. But during the first visit, my psychologist referred to my ED as 'it' and I quizzed her about why she refers to it as a separate entity from myself. She said it's a disorder that's trying to control me, not me who's doing this to myself. She asked me to read Life Without ED by Jenni Schaeffer to gain a better understanding.

I have read some of the book. I agree and disagree with what I've read so far.
My biggest problem is trying to think of the ED as an 'it' instead of 'me'. It seems irresponsible to shift the blame to an abstract 'it' when I think I'm the one who put myself in this dark place.

As for trying to have a conversation with 'it', I find that ridiculous. I want to recover from this but I don't want to come out feeling crazy as if I have multiple personalities.

I notice many of you here describe your ED impulses as voices in your head. I guess you have managed to detach the ED from YOU. I'm having trouble doing that. I have to recover from my ED. It has affected my marriage!

[precious things]

I think when we are stuck in the eating disorder mindset, and especially if it has been going on for years, we believe it is part of our identity. We forget that no one is born with an eating disorder. It is a condition that develops for many different reasons. It may overtake your life and dominate your every waking moment ( I know this far too well), but it is not who I am or who you are. We are in there somewhere, it's just we get so buried underneath the behaviors it's hard to believe there was an individual there before the madness started.

Just my thoughts. I'm sorry you are struggling so much. My ED is wrecking havoc on my marriage and entire life at the moment as well.

[spow]

I go through phases of thinking I will beat this, and at other times I want to just let it consume me. But my husband said that if I don't want to fight this, he is afraid he might have to leave because it is playing with his head, making him frustrated and making him see food in a negative way as well. He no longer enjoys food.
I think one of the worst things about EDs is how they affect relationships.

[Victoria'smom]

When I was "really" bad I had "ana" and "mia" as two separate entities. "Ana" would scream at me when I ate. "Mia" would calm me and "her" by reminding "us" I could purge. Right now I don't see "them" as separate. I can't say what's healthier. I feel healthier without the names but currently I'm kicking, biting, hitting, and clawing while I'm chemically being dragged towards recovery.

[spow]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I feel healthier without the names but currently I'm kicking, biting, hitting, and clawing while I'm chemically being dragged towards recovery.

I just read through yours and your family's diagnosis that's at the bottom of your reply. I feel a familiar twinge of sadness. My mother has bipolar and has been suffering bouts of bulimia for years. I was diagnosed with dysthymia when I was 14. I still have to take a very low dose of anti-depressants every other day to stay sane. I think that having existing mental disorders make EDs more complicated.

Got an appointment with my therapist this morning. I hope that will be of some help to me.

[AngelWolf3]

I read that book too...I also had mixed feelings about it! But, yes, I don't really think of it as a separate entity, I like how precious things put it...it has just been so long that I really feel like it's a part of me now...but I am trying NOT to make it my identity...even though I am internally yelling that YES it IS....eesh. It is SO NOT! Wow. Interesting how torn it can make someone!

[unaluna]

I liked the book. It surprised me how much ED's voice sounded like my parents. I mean, really really surprised me. I was like, no, that is not me at all.

[spow]

I think the ED voice is probably different for everyone. Maybe to some it sounds like a parent's voice and to others it sounds like something else. But one thing is for sure, it always taunts/teases/confuses and manipulates!

[Runner18]

I feel likeit is a person sitting on my shoulder constantly saying im fat, ugly amd not skinny enough .over time with recovery it fades out but can come back