[cka87]

I feel so trapped. I restrict and restrict until I inevitably binge and them back to restricting to make up for it. I'm so scared that I'll never be able to eat normally. I can't even have a normal meal where I leave feeling satisfied, it's either restrict so that my ED is satisfied or binge until I'm uncomfortably full and feel sick and hate myself.

is anyone on the other side ? is there ever gonna be normalcy for me ? I'm so freaking scared that I'm ruined, a failure, I'll never have a normal relationship with food ever. like I'm just this giant overweight monster waiting to happen

[ShaggyChic_1201]

CKA87 - There is hope! I got over the hump you described. I admit, I felt bad, and huge, and miserable for a while.

I never gained weight (tho if you were severely underweight, your experience may be different) and eventually I was able to eat a relatively normal amount without wanting to restrict/over-exercise/purge. Now I eat when I'm hungry and don't when I'm not. I still check in with my nutritionist every 6 months to make sure I'm eating healthily. I'm not adventurous in my eating, I concede that. I eat safe foods, but I eat them without distress. My thoughts have normalized and I don't hate my body anymore. I see my flaws, but dont obsess over them. I just camoflauge them as best I can and live my life. (I even wore shorts this weekend. First time in 10 years!)

I hope you hang in there and see progress real soon!

[foureleven]

i had the SAME problem! Exactly the same! (still have some issues with it now, but working on it) Have you ever thought of maybe visiting a nutritionist? Or if you don't have the funds....you have to find healthy foods that fill you up. Try and build small goals for yourself. When you feel yourself having to binge, grab carrots and celery. Grab apples, grapes, oranges, peaches, etc. if you feel the necessity to binge, maybe a "healthy food" binge won't feel as terrible. Even when you're craving cake or chips or brownies like mad, just try for one day to stick to it. What i do is i trick my mind thinking it's "just for today, i'll eat healthy" but then i tell myself that everyday! For some reason, it works for me. Also, look up healthy recipes for each different genre of food, and start cooking your dinners for yourself. it takes up time, and you can choose healthy and filling recipes. it has helped me sooo much! i hope this helps!!!! hang in there!

[spondiferous]

There are so many approaches, but yes, it's possible. And it's actually easier than you think. Five months ago I was sitting here, completely despairing and hopeless, wondering what the hell was going to happen to me, feeling like 'I can't do this anymore, I'm never going to stop'. I started taking workshops through the ED clinic that the nutritionist put on about mechanical eating and appetite awareness, and I started to see eating a lot differently. I still struggled for awhile. I still struggle with my thoughts quite a bit, on and off. But I no longer obsess about food ALL THE TIME. I no longer freak out if I have food in my stomach. Sometimes when I'm eating something really delicious I have a moment where I panic and think I'm not going to be able to stop. And then I remind myself: It's okay. You're never going to diet again. You can have this food again. And the panic passes and I feel okay again.
The hardest part for me is learning how to trust myself. And everything about an ED teaches us not to. Everything about the diet industry, the beauty industry, popular culture, magazines, whatever, it all teaches us that we cannot trust our bodies or our decisions because inherently we will all glut ourselves to death if given the chance. So not true. It's what I've been afraid of my whole life, and I've always kept doing it, and then the shame of doing it and the addiction of being stuck in the cycle has kept me there.
I've been free for almost 4 months. I constantly have to remind myself that I'm free, though. Truly free. I employ much the same method as bub: I eat when I'm hungry, and I don't when I'm not, although I don't have safe foods that I stick to. There were a few that I avoided in the beginning, and I guess in a way I still avoid them because first of all I see no reason to eat them, and second of all they're things I've only ever binged on. But - I do not restrict. If I am really really really wanting those foods, then I have promised myself that I will let myself have them, as long as it's not emotional eating. So far it's working. I have to constantly battle all the bull **** in my head: 'Am I really in recovery?' 'Is this really going to last?'
It's a process. Baby steps. foureleven has some good advice too. Start small. If being full triggers you to restrict, start with small amounts of food throughout the day, and work your way up. Definitely get a nutritionist, preferably one who does work in the ED spectrum. They will have a better understanding of the unique challenges and obstacles you face with food, and that it's not just about sticking to a food guide.
Good luck...