How to talk about ED when you don't feel it's an issue

Okay, I had Therapy last Wednesday. I have talked to her about everything including psychosis. I completely trust her but I just don't know what to say regarding ED. She says I'm very personal and guarded about the whole thing but I don't feel I am. However I still give one word answers and try to change the subject. I don't feel my eating disorder is an issue I'm on the high end of healthy which does make me feel like a failure but honestly I feel it's more of an issue to my husband then to me.

Yes we (my husband and I) have all out fights about it but that's because he refuses to let me control when and how I eat.

Yes I refuse to eat any meat except 1 boneless skinless chicken tender

Yes I refuse to take medication that can cause weight gain

Yes I still eat toddler size meals 1x a day and would eat 3x a wk if allowed

yes, I only drink 20 oz. of fluid a day

But I don't see any problem with that. I don't understand what T 'wants' she knows all the above information. I just don't really understand how to talk about it with out one word answer. I'm sure she asks open ended questions but I don't see them as that.

I want to talk to her about this because I really don't want to keep anything private but how do I do this?

Usually in between sessions, I take some kind of notes and keep a journal which helps me see what is most bothering me that I need to talk about the next time. This doesn't mean I actually talk about those things though because I have to build up the courage. Plus sometimes my notes have more than could be covered in 50 minutes.

I think what has most helped me to talk about my eating problem is knowing that what I say to my T is confidential. I also decided that keeping things from my T or not being completely honest would not really help my therapy but might actually hinder my progress.

I think it is great that you don't want to keep anything private. It is another thing to actually get all the private stuff out but hopefully your T has created a safe place for you to do that. Maybe she would let you write some things down for her to read and then you could start talking about them. I haven't tried that with my T but I sure have been tempted when I am scared to get something out because sometimes just bringing it up is hard.

I hope you can find a way to talk more about your eating with your T because it sounds like you are concerned. I know I go back and forth between thinking I have an ED and then totally denying it.

I don't know if you have read any books about ED's but I read Almost Anorexic and Good-bye Ed, Hello Me and then I am now reading Life Without Ed (note that this one is better if read before Good-bye Ed, Hello Me). While these books have not changed my eating behaviors, they have challenged them and made me realize that there is something wrong with what I am doing. That has led me to talk about it with my T a few times and then to her realizing that this is a problem we need to focus on. Anyway, I am not trying to sell books but just sharing what I have found helpful. I hope you are able to find a way to open up with your T and get it all out. Even though it is stressful, it really does feel relieving when you release everything that has been internalized, and do so in a safe place like therapy.

Maybe it would help if you did not approach your eating disorder in relation to your health and "eating"? I would address the issue of your husband not letting you control your own choices and actions, what that is about and how that affects you, your marriage, other relationships, etc. Why do you allow that?

It is another thing to actually get all the private stuff That's my current problem, I've wrote her well over 100 pages (Single spaced, 10 font)about my history of food issues, rants, trying to reason with her that food is not a requirement to life, and all other types of things along the lines with food. At this point I actually have to speak about it and I don't want to clam up. Maybe I'm okay about this only because there maybe something else I should talk about, OR I'm trying to find something more importation? I don't know but I've mastered the ability to distract myself and others from 'real' issues.

I hope you can find a way to talk more about your eating with your T because it sounds like you are concerned I'm not but T and Husband seems to be, I think I worry the BP board at times.

Why do you allow that? When I was pregnant with my son needed food. It grew to I try not to have full out arguments around my son. This is the only thing our son sees us argue about. We only have all out wars when I'm manic or mixed.

I would address the issue of your husband not letting you control your own choices and actions, and how that affects your marriage... Both my T and his T have addressed this. My T has even told him "look she has had this long before you, and will have this long after you if you push her." (It's not like I haven't dropped everyone and just took off because they were all concerned). He get's "Is she talking to her T & pdoc? ... then let them handle it" from his T. I'm fine with others it doesn't effect our relationship because they accept "No thank-you"

It just seem that whenever it turns to about me and my ED I think the longest actual IRL was at most 5 min. last time that wasn't a complete"word vomit" session
your eating disorder in relation to your health and "eating"? I told her when my test results came back from the "lets see the damage I've done in the past 5 years" test.

I did look at the books online. Did you find them triggering?

The books: I didn't find them triggering but I could see where some of the examples and short case examples in Almost Anorexic could give people with ED's more ideas they don't need. For me the books helped me better understand my own symptoms and what I need to do about my problem...and I am taking very slow steps to recovery as my mind goes back and forth between wanting it and wanting to continue starving and over exercising to lose weight.

I think recovery is there when we are ready and if a person is not ready, they are not ready. There are clear health consequences with ED's but a person has to be ready to accept help for an ED.