[Grey Matter]

My anorexia was beginning to get put under control. Was I happy about it? Not completely, but having energy back when my autoimmune disease drains me of energy was fantastic. I stuck to my meal plans. I drank my supplements. I followed through with doctors visits and allowed them to weigh me. And I was, I'd like to think, getting better. I was on blind weight for months and they finally took me off, even after I said "I don't think I am ready" because I KNEW I gained weight because I hadn't been restricting at all. But they said I need to do it or I will fear it for the rest of my life, and like an idiot, I let them weigh me with me looking at the number.

Little to no surprise, I saw the number and I haven't been doing well since.

I told my T what had happened and she said I should have never been talked into it if I wasn't ready. And we decided it will be better to be weighed at her office because she will continue blind weigh ins. But it's ruined me already.

I mean, I am 5'8, I already stick out like a sore thumb.

I haven't gone out because seeing people staring makes me anxious. People make me anxious in the first place, but seeing people looking at me leads me to think they are pointing out my flaws and seeing that I've gained so much weight. Even though I know no one really cares that much when they are staring, it's in that moment of anxiety that I BELIEVE it to be true.

I went to the mall today and I hated every minute of it. Everything I tried on made me look huge. I was uncomfortable. My sister got me lunch and I barely ate any of it though I tried, I really did. I ended up just drinking a diet coke and calling it a night.

I wanted so badly to get to a healthy, normal weight, now I am having the same thoughts I did right at the start. "I need to be thin" "I need to weigh this much" "I can't eat I don't deserve it", etc. It's HORRID. I am so angry and annoyed and upset. I can't be messing with restricting because of chemotherapy and my body in general. But it's already happening and I don't know what to do.

[Karrebear]

Yeah, I agree with your therapist. They shouldn't have pressed the issue of you seeing the number. The good part is that if you got to the point where you were able to stick to meals plans, etc then you can get there again. Trust in your therapist, keep communicating with her and things will get better you have to be stronger than that voice in your head. Keep thinking about how good you felt when you were eating and had energy

[ShaggyChic_1201]

I agree with Karrebear and disagree with the doctor's office who said that you needed to be able to face / know your weight. I'm headed into my 3rd year of recovery. For many weeks at a time, I have no ED thoughts or symptoms. One day I decided to weigh myself and for weeks, I was a mess. I've re-decided that I do NOT need to know what I weigh. I let the professionals monitor my weight - my doc and dietician, and unless I go up or down more than # lbs, the actual number isn't relevant.

You can get back on track. You are not starting from scratch, I promise!

[Victoria'smom]

it's not from scratch and now you know to refuse seeing the number.

[Grey Matter]

Thanks for the support, everyone. I have just been really panicky over it for the last week. Last night I managed to eat my full meal plan dinner and I did two supplements, which was big from me restricting again to following it, even if it was late in the day. I am doing better today. I managed to have a breakfast. I don't want to fall back into it, but the voice is just constantly screaming and it's so exhausting.