[QueenMary]

Hello,
I am fairly new to this site, but very glad to be here. I have come to the point where I have lost about more weight then what my tiny little body can lose. I have never had an eating problem before. But since I have been going through so much I get to having these panic attacks, and anxiety. Then I deal with my husband, and my dysfunctional family. All in all I am not trying to say that I am blaming my losing weight on something, but with out insurance there is no way of getting any help. I am in the process of fighting for insurance and SSI. Who knows when that will happen. Meanwhile, I try very hard to eat at least one meal a day. Or sometimes I eat smaller portions like snacking so I get something in my stomach. I just don't feel like eating sometimes. Pretty soon there won't be much left of me. Wish I knew what to do about how I feel and that it is really hard for me to eat sometimes. But I do my best. I guess that is it. Just not really sure where I am going with this, but hopefully I can get some help soon. Peace to all.

[spondiferous]

Welcome to PC, Mary. I hope we can help support you while you navigate the system and the other challenges where you live.

[eskielover]

All in all I am not trying to say that I am blaming my losing weight on something,

I have news for you......ED's are not caused by body image issues....they always start because of some issues that exist in our life that causes us undo level of stress which turns into an eating issues (too little, too much) & soon, the weight reflects the eating. All my life every time I was stressed, my reaction to it was to stop eating because I would feel sick to my stomach & wouldn't eat when I felt that way.....even mid terms in college & music performances.....you name it....stress involved would reflect a noticeable weight loss. Most of the time in my younger years, those stressful times were short....but the older I got the longer the stress periods lasted & the more the weight loss as it was directly in proportion.

The first time anorexia hit was after I lost my career as an engineer (at the age of 42) & my bad marriage of almost 20 years at the time & a pdoc who gave me prozac which destroyed my appetite on top of all the stress & major anxiety & depression & suicide attempts I was going through.

Being small in the first place....I didn't have any reserve to loose before I was in a very dangerous place weightwise. I ended up in a treatment center....but I wasn't in a place where I cared or even wanted the help that everyone was trying to give me. I managed to survive & actually gained too much weight at the end of those 10 years & ended up in the middle of a trauma with the home care person when my mother was dying of cancer.....it was a very dangerous situation with that home care person as I had no idea what she would do to me or my mother to gain what she was wanting to gain along with many other stresses that had hit my life at that same time (continued bad marriage now 10 more years, asthma/bronchitis hospitalization from forest fire smoke, new foal who had injured her leg down to the bone that required me attention 2 times a day, 1 hour drive between my home & my mother being the only child).

I had lost every pound I had gained. I didn't get down to the horribly bad level I had been at before, but I was still so underweight I ended up in the medical hospital with IV nutrition with the hospital pdoc telling me that if I left the hospital to go to my mother's funeral I wouldn't be alive to come back for the IV nutrition.....(yes, he over-exaggerated & I knew it because I had weighed less in the past).

Your anxiety you are dealing with & the family issues are the cause of your eating issues & there is no reason to deny it. You need help....but you need help is dealing with your stressful issues & in doing that one learns how to deal with the eating issues that are a result of those issues.

I finally left my husband after this last time & it was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to my life. I moved 2100 miles away to where I didn't know anyone & started my life over even with the PTSD issues I came here with.....found a wonderful psychologist who works with DBT.....& this is the best therapy for everything including ED's because it teaches skills to deal with distress, emotions & interpersonal effectiveness along with using one's wise mind to make decisions to solve the issues that are causing the problems in our life. It's important to be able to force ourselves to do the things we don't feel like or want to be because we know that our health depends on it. It's not easy & I continue to fight the not eating much as I now live alone with my 3 dogs.....but I'm so much better than when I was living in that very toxic marriage environment....yes, the things around us are definitely the reason for the eating issues at least at the beginning....at times I do get caught up in the weight loss which isn't good either.....but to not blame the weight loss on things in our life is to be in denial of what is really going on in our life that we really need to deal with.

Wishing you the best with this....I know how difficult it is....hope that soon your SSI will go through so you can get the therapy help you need so you can learn to deal with your life situations in a healthy way.

[Karrebear]

Keep checking in here and get the support you need until you can get some financial help. I have a history with ED NOS, was in therapy for like 6 yrs and in treatment as well. It doesn't matter that you have a diagnosis of it or not, you know you need help. That knowledge and the will to recover is what is going to carry you through this.

[caseygirl]

I just got diagnosed, didn't know if you wanted to read my story, kind of surprised.

I?VE BEEN DIAGNOSED: ANOREXIC | LIVING IN STIGMA

I'm now waiting to begin the Introduction meetings at the ED Program at our hospital in January. Don't know what to think about this?

[buttrfli42481]

Casey you are lucky to have a program at your local hospital. I would have to drive 4 1/2hrs away to get to a ED unit now. You can do it!

[caseygirl]

Went for my first "introduction meeting", it was a disaster. Only stayed one hour. I am the oldest (57), everyone else was in their (16 - 20's). I felt so out of place. Also, I was the fattest, felt I will have to gain weight to fit into these groups!!. Don't want to go back. Think I will write an article on this in my blog. Stay tuned. CG.

[buttrfli42481]

Casey: I am so sorry things didn't work out for you the way you thought they would. BIG HUGS for you for trying it out.

[eskielover]

CG.....I can relate to what you are saying.....I was 43 when I was in an ED treatment care facility for 8 weeks & there were mostly young girls that I didn't relate to & unfortunately the T there didn't know how to relate to my anorexia issues either....they lumped me into what they determined was their view of people with anorexia.....& they didn't bother to even listen to what I had to say......it was a waste....but at least I didn't have to pay for it because my pdoc got me in there on funding that was available for people who were in a really bad place (my weight was dangerously low)......but there was so much that was going on in my life that was triggering it & not the body image crap they were trying to shove on me.

I think when we are older.....we have a whole pile of things that contribute to the anorexia we end up dealing with & there is a lot of treatment necessary. That whole next year, every time I ended up in the medical hospital for the IV nutrition.....they would make sure I went to the groups in the mental health wing of the hospital.....& there was another group at the hospital that was all young kids. Only other thing they offered in the area was EA (emotions anonomous)........when I was at the ED treatment center they had all of us to do Overeater's A suggesting that the theory would help.

Life was a disaster during those years.....things swang the other way for a short while & then back again to anorexia when a trauma hit my life & I have been dealing with trying to stay healthy every since I finally left my H because I have to take care of ME now & I live alone 2100 miles away from where I lived all my life......but I'm in a much better place & it really helps with the eating mostly....I just don't always feel like cooking & forget to eat at times because I don't have the hunger that normal people would have......think I did mess up things to a certain extent.

[caseygirl]

Thanks Eskielover for your words of encouragement. I made the decision to go to this program, yet didn't think it would be this way. Never faced an eating disorder going the other way (concerned being anorexic), so didn't know what to expect.

I used to feel right at home during my Weight Watcher days, fitting right in with the other fatties. I did phone the caseworker, who sympathized with me and said she would try and put me in with some people my own age. It's the age that is a concern, but also the appearance. I felt so out of place, as if people were looking at me thinking "why is she here, she isn't exactly thin".

I thought depression is hard to deal with, this is much worse....and this is making the depression much worse. I'll keep in touch, but at least you are over 20 and can relate. Thanks. CG

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Casey -
I'm sorry you felt fat and out of place during your ED group, but I can assure you that everyone else there did too. I was mid 40s in an ED unit and could have been everyone's mother. I also objectively outweighed them by a lot. I too thought on my first day that I had made a big mistake.

But, I finally realized that my *thoughts* were no different from theirs. Yes they were younger and had younger-related problems, but ED-craziness is ED-craziness, no matter what body it is packaged in. I encourage you to try to give it a bit more time and see if the program helps you.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm 30 and I've been dealing with this since 7ish. It has morphed changed, got better, got worse, changed labels but it never seemed to fit the "typical" eating disorder reasons. leading me to believe that the stigma of who and why you get eating disorders are still alive and well in the mental health community.

[ahdm]

I've never been diagnosed with an ED, but for about 5 years I've been struggling with food. I've gone from bingeing in MASSIVE portions (15+ crisps, 5+ choc bars, and dinner) to fasting for days on end. I've never seen the point of going to the doctor because, well, let's just say nobody is interested or takes you seriously unless you are super skinny. I'm 140lbs, so obviously everyone would just think I'm making it up for attention or trying to use it as an excuse or something.

I've now found an ana buddy
And I have a feeling things are going to get better. If I get thin enough, maybe then people will start to notice and I won't be the fat ugly girl in the corner no one cares about.
My therapist knows I've lost a stone, but hey, I don't care, she can't do anything about it. I'm not going to tell her about any of this, she probably thinks I'm making it up anyway. I'm dreading going back to counselling in January - she'll see that I haven't lost any more weight and she'll put it down to me lying to get attention or something.
I am going to HAVE to lose weight now, no matter what.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Trigger warning

Originally Posted by ahdm

I've never seen the point of going to the doctor because, well, let's just say nobody is interested or takes you seriously unless you are super skinny. I'm xxxlbs, so obviously everyone would just think I'm making it up for attention or trying to use it as an excuse or something.

I've now found an ana buddy
And I have a feeling things are going to get better. If I get thin enough, maybe then people will start to notice and I won't be the fat ugly girl in the corner no one cares about.

I am going to HAVE to lose weight now, no matter what.

I am very sorry you are in the grips of such disordered thinking and behaviors. I am glad you have a therapist and encourage you to work on these issues directly, rather than hoping they will see the signs and bring it up to you. Those kinds of passive aggressive and manipulative actions only hurt you.

TBH, I am not sure what response you are looking from with this posting. The big smiley after announcing you found an ana buddy indicates you are happy about that, which is certainly not something anyone of us on this site who are struggling to recover can support. We can provide encouragement and lessons learned from our attempts to break the grips of A/B though, so keep posting if you're seeking help to get better. Pro Ana posts are inappropriate and triggering.

Good luck and many fond wishes

[eskielover]

AHDM:

I'm 140lbs, so obviously everyone would just think I'm making it up for attention or trying to use it as an excuse or something.

If I get thin enough, maybe then people will start to notice and I won't be the fat ugly girl in the corner no one cares about.

Sounds to me from reading your post that attention is exactly what you are wanting.....attention at being thinner......you can do that in a healthy way that doesn't have to be with anorexia......if you are looking at anorexia to accomplish your goal.....then as bubsmiley said...you are posting on the wrong site.....we support those who are trying to recover, not those who are trying to get ill just to accomplish weight loss to be accepted by society.

If you are serious about weight loss....there is a support forum for just that here at PC.........& just for your information starving doesn't make the body loose weight.....it actually makes it retain weight because the body goes into panic thinking it's being starved....it's not until there is damage done to the body that the weight loss is actually obvious....& if you have read the medical issues that those of us who have struggled with it have.....you wouldn't want to go there.

Think about what you are doing & saying.......& maybe when you go back to your T you need to work on your self worth that has nothing to do with how much you weigh.