Please help me, recovery is more than I can handle. TW

Okay, so I went to go see my t today and she was so lovely to print me off another chapter of the anorexia workbook we're working through. The last chapter was mindful observations which I fought tooth and nail to not do. I eventually just gave in and said I did it. She doesn't really believe that I gave it a full try, so she wants me to try to do it again... I'm just going to lie about that too.

Unfortunately, this chapter doesn't get any better. There was a worksheet I have to fill out and its called, "The Mindful Eating Worksheet". What. The. ****. It wants me to eat one of my unsafe foods and document my reaction towards it, what it was etc. My unsafe food is pizza. Like that's the only thing I can think of that I will avoid at all costs. Its just so unhealthy and gross, and just... nasty. I cried when I read that I had to do it and I texted my t to see if I could skip that exercise along with a mirror and scale exercise that was in the chapter. The mirror exercise was to look at yourself completely naked until the uncomfortableness went away. **** that. Then the scale exercise was to hold something heavy and see a larger number on the scale. Then increase the amount of weight you were holding. The point is to get yourself to be okay with seeing a "healthy" number on the scale. **** that too.

Sorry for my language guys, but I am sooo freaking mad at my t right now and so upset. I can't bring myself to eating a piece of pizza... like I will seriously have a panic attack. I can't do it. I think I would rather eat a bug... at least there is protein in that. Any tips on how to at least attempt to eat something like that? I just cant.

Hello, utterlyconfused. Being connected with your therapist is essential to achieving a good outcome. A treatment plan jointly formulated is also a key.

You and your therapist are at loggerheads. You either must discuss your concerns with your therapist in an effort to establish a workable connection, or, determine any connection has been irretrievably broken and move on.

Ugh.....Pizza.....what I do is make a whole pizza & then cut it into 8 pieces & then eat everything except the crust at the edge. Cover it with toppings that you like....I personally go with the veggie pizza....peppers, mushrooms, olives, pepperchinos, onions....basically things that I like grilled alone but mix a little pizza sauce & cheese over the top......figure that's healthy because of the veggies....can't stand the meat pizza's......also love the muschroom & spinich pizza's with a cream sauce.....totally NOT the normal pizza's & then eat & enjoy just small slices rather than large ones.....it makes a huge difference in tolerating.

You know that your T is just trying to do what she thinks will help you & fighting against it, it counter productive.....but it's just like I was in the eating disorders treatment center when I ended up there the first time my anorexia got really bad. It wasn't until I really wanted help & was willing to do what helped me that I was willing to cooperate with anyone...the rest of the time I fought any help.

You are in control of yourself & your mind.....you determine what you will & will NOT do.....& you determine the results of your treatment.....it's your choice.

(((utterlyconfused)))
Eating disorder recovery is painful. It's so hard to look at ourselves another way. I hope you are able to figure this out with your T. It sounds like she has her heart in the right place, but maybe moving a bit too fast for you. To play devil's advocate, though, I admire her for pushing you...it's the only way to ever change. Just keep hanging in there...