[Yismymindblank12]

I'd appreciate the feedback when available. I don't know why all my life, I'm never sure it's BDD with gender confusion issue or without or just regular insecurities mixed with BDD and my PTSD. I feel so stupid I'm going to be 21 in a year, and I have such an aversion and hatred towards my stomach and my abs. I hate myself on how I look, when I see a girl I feel like I'm looking in a mirror back at me of a pretty face and something that seems perfect to me what I want. I want that admiration of looks. I'm not ugly which is weird I'm aware and have good self esteem usually, but all the time. I feel my medical condition of Stiff person syndrome and my fear of my face and just hating me is so bad. I hate being around women, I hate it when my guy and girl friends talk about who they've hooked up with. I stopped dating people a year ago, because of being abused, I dated ok girls, but they were usually hooked up with me from their friend wanting some other hot guy I was with and I get the less attractive one. I hate talking like this, because I sound shallow, I'm not intending to be. I know what I'm attracted to, but personally I'd rather have her body feel her sense of beauty and looks. I want that superficiality not to fill a void and be more active in my looks and feel confident. I just want to feel appreciated and no longer pressured to be perfect all the time. I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was a boy around 14. I was 85 lbs everyone was 60 lbs on average over me. I was very underweight, I got most girls liking me when I was underweight. It's sad, I hate eating food and my body making me hungry, I wish I could just get rid of this and feel like I'm not some overweight freak. I want to work out and get my old 8 pack again. I lost 50 lbs I was overweight a year ago from my meds and it was hell. I don't take any medication other than my neuro meds for my new medical condition. Being active is much harder, because of my rare disorder, I was always active, but now I can't as much as I'd like to, because my nervous system will shut down my muscles in severe pain. I've been bed ridden for weeks and forced to starve myself, because it hurts to eat anything when the symptoms arise. I have to live with it for the rest of my life according to my neurologist and I'm afraid for continuing of losing weight and falling back under of the habit of anorexia again. I'm a normal weight, but I crave to be thinner and just look perfect. I hate talking like this, because I feel weak, I don't want assume the role as a guy, because it's hard. I hate this superficial crap I get from females, I don't put up with I have to be this guy or like that guy or I'm nothing attitude and I stick up for myself and I don't date, because the last thing I need is to be vulnerable I can't date and take care of myself. It doesn't work that way. I avoid and turn down girls when I know they are full of crap, I'm not exaggerating it happens all the time. I don't want to accept girls do this, but they do it's ******** and I want to be a girl or pretty and be a lesbian it's so ridiculous what the **** I go through inside to feel good about myself and it's why I hated most women. I'm not vocal on my hatred I don't want to be assumed sexist or bigotry I'm not I know I'm not. I just tired of their victimization or the fact I'm a guy I have to be treated like **** because all guys have to look like boy toys and used and be sculptures. I never dated someone or had one girl come up to me and tell me how good I look mean it even when I was in relationships. I had 8 of them altogether. I'm not a virgin. I haven't been with many girls, because I shelter myself and completely scared on how I've been told, "I think you're nice, but you're not what I'm into." "Oh no you're attractive, but your not my type, I'm always being avoided as the next guy over." I force myself not to assume that pushover and no matter how much **** I take and fight. It's made me believe for the past decade. I'm ugly, I seriously don't like being a guy nor the body I've been given. It's hurt me for so long. I would beg everyday I'd be a girl or just look hot and have that attention. I don't want my security to be filled by a mass female audience to fill my void. I'm just tired of being viewed the way I am in the manner of disrespect and disposability I've been given for being a guy.

I don't know how to understand this, I'm continuing being single and will reject everyone who does come up to me, because I've been hurt enough. I can't trust anymore. I'm tired of being a disposable, because of my gender and my looks.

[glok]

Hello, Yismymindblank12. Is professional help an option?

[Yismymindblank12]

Yeah I know. I'm going to be told to go seek that. I'm working on that. I just don't know what it is. I never did even my therapists couldn't give me an answer. Not a straight answer like no comment at all. Despite me bringing it up, I keep forgetting it too much it's not like it's unimportant forgetfullness, but as in suppressing it by having my charisma and personality take its hold. I'm a likeable person I have lots of aqcuaintance friends and close friends. I'm quite popular and have lots of success, very positive, but that's how I suppress it. It's not a negative suppression, but when it comes to females no matter how close or how much I've impressed them or they've liked me. I don't try to show my critical side on females much, unless they are being disrespectful to me directly. I won't be indirect with my responses either. I don't have drama or carry it I avoid it. It's bothered me since early childhood, I know I've struggled with this all my life. I've wrote it down to remember and I'm emailing my therapist to plan an appointment for this specifically. I can make friends talk to girls and flirt easy, but every time I can't help but feeling like I hate myself and being overcritical subconciously on my looks. I look presentable and I worry bout my appearance a lot I'm very mindful of others and avoid being called the "nice or sweet guy" as in pushover I do a good job at that. I accept being ignored with that i apart of it, but I still have this lingering question everyone tells me I'm gorgeous. I want to believe and I listen, it's just how things happen naturally every time even the girls I've dated been this way with me. I've been recently trained to suppress because my support is very negligent and rather not here me talk bout anything emotional. I almost want to leave my state soon get a sex change and change my identity everything over time while avoiding everyone to get the results I want and just say I don't know who my name so and so was if they bring it up remotely. I'm serious, I really want to wipe my current existence off the planet. I hate it that much I don't want to kill myself, I just want my body to be completely different I want that attention, because I've never received it easily despite my popularity and friends. Also I always got it by doing so damn much effort. I do my best to try not to look unavailable or positive, am I being too negative or am I looking appropriately dressed, am I looking how I want should I wear a suit again or go all tank top. Should I talk or not talk, is my breath bad. Am I not muscular enough do I come off as too me or feminine. Despite me saying I'm not like that or anything. It's worked very well people don't believe I'm insecure, but I'm the most insecure out of everyone. I don't want a relationship or have sex with any female no matter how good looking, because I don't want to show this side. It's I'm not narcassistic like my mom at times, and I find out. I'm very empathetic and I try to show I care, but now I worry do I care to little or too much this balancing act is causing my anxiety to get so bad every day I have no control of how I should manage it, not because of therapy or my self help that is successful. I just don't want to be what people assume me as, because I see myself different and other people should see and support how I see myself not be so critical. Women are the worst with me with it. I've grown to hate myself, deep down, because I want to feel what they feel. I'd give every penny, and I throw away all my problems I used to worry about and I work hard at becoming successful to get that attention for just five minutes. I appreciate it, but it hurts realizing how lonely and isolated I am from all my friends male and female constantly being admired and I get nothing. Maybe once in 5 years in truth, but other than that I get you're ok, or you look attractive not my type, no emphasis like I hear everyone around me and it bugs me so badly. I never knew why