[Starshy]

Hi folks. I'm really struggling at the moment.
I suffered from age 8 to 20 (I'm now 21) with an eating disorder. It took different forms over time, sometimes it was purely restrictive but more often it was bingeing (or at other points, eating normally) and purging. Things were especially bad in my early and then late teens, until my partner at the time encouraged me to finally get help when I was about 18. I rejected the help at first despite going to counselling appointments. Eventually I accepted it though and it has been an uphill battle, but I've quit purging so much. At the moment I've been free of purging for four months and it isn't the first time I've managed that! I know I'm making progress.

Unfortunately, before I committed to recovery I was underweight. I gained a little at the start of recovery, hated it but over time accepted it and almost liked my body for the first time since childhood. Unfortunately, the weight kept piling on, and in the last year I've become obese. This has obviously been immensely difficult for me because I've felt fat all my life, but now I'm at my highest weight and I truly am fat. I lose and gain weight very quickly, my weight can change drastically in only a few months. I am less distressed now than I was initially, but I'm still very uncomfortable with my weight gain and often contemplate relapsing (and have relapsed briefly with restrictive eating.)

I think my problem is that initially during recovery, I would exercise and each time, I would find I'd push myself too far and exercise excessively, driven by my disordered thoughts. It wasn't healthy so I cut out structured exercise for the most part. Unfortunately, I got really out of shape and now exercise is difficult for me, and I struggle to work it back into my routine.

And although the purging has stopped, I still sometimes binge. I feel like there's no other way to counteract a binge and light exercise doesn't seem to be cutting it. I haven't yet worked out how to stop the bingeing, and in fact I still struggle with understanding how "normal" people eat.

Many people in my life suffer from disordered eating or fullblown eating disorders. At the moment I see a friend losing weight due to her slowly escalating food issues. I try to stop her, but a part of me is jealous.

Please, can anybody help me? I really don't want to be this size forever. I also don't want to relapse, but I feel like if something doesn't change, it's where I'll end up.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi there starshy

I had a long standing eating disorder in university.

Coupled with over exerting exercise, purging, calorie counting etc.

And to be honest, the reality is, many years after recovery I've never learnt to love my body.

Every time I mention how low I feel because of my weight to my dr she always does a bmi and keeps reassuring me I'm in the healthy weight range even though I don't think so.

Are you sure you're not over idealizing what you think your perfect weight should be? Based on self esteem issues?

[Starshy]

Hi Hooligan I'm sorry to hear you've faced an eating disorder too, and even more sorry that you still struggle with loving your body. It's a long, tough journey.

I definitely do have a very skewed sense of what my body "should" be, but unfortunately I really have hit the obese category. In fact I moved to a new city and when registering at a new doctors', the nurse doing my checkup told me I was overweight and to exercise more! Since then I've climbed up into the obese category.

I'm aware my body will need time to adjust to eating after such a long time of being disordered, but I feel like I fill the void where my eating disorder was with comfort eating

[eskielover]

Why not focus your energy on finding the healthy foods that aren't weight gaining foods.....lower on the starch & sugar...high on the protein. By controlling the types of foods you eat & not overeating can be effective & when the weather is good or if you have exercise that you can do indoors during the winter.....add that to the your daily routine.

I have to admit, I basically eat one meal a day & then eat a bowl of soup or a salad....anything light & healthy. When I do get into the candy & cookies at this time of year & see the weight go up more than I can accept, I do end up eating less & not allowing the weight to go over a certain healthy point.

My weight can change especially during the summer quite a lot during even one day...but that's mostly water gain & loss......

Don't forget also if you are on any medication or had a med change over this last year.....that can have a serious effect on weight also that has nothing to do with eating.

I have found that living alone, I need to keep my weight just above line in the healthy BMI zone.....& make sure that I don't get dizzy doing it.....it's a challenge at times but I need energy to take care of my farm, 3 dogs, & my home & eating along with riding horses during the good weather & social activities & volunteer work I'm involved in.....can't afford to allow the anorexia to take control as this is the first time in 33 years of a bad marriage that I am really loving life.....even though I still don't want to gain weight....that has been a life long thinking I've dealt with.

[Starshy]

Thanks I do think medication played a part - I started gaining weight on new medication, but then kept having my dose increased. Unfortunately my current medication allows me to function best out of everything I've been prescribed, so I don't feel like it would be wise to switch. It's a catch 22.